Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Medical freak!!

Oh for f***s sake it's still going!! Just been weighed and it has gone up again despite now having had no increase in my diet for nine weeks. Even the staff are surprised its not stopped yet I just know I'm going to get to my target weight on this diet and then will be unable to stop gaining feel completely out of control and spiral back down in to my old ways because it's the only way I can see to control my weight.

The staff and dietician keep assuring me it will stop and to trust them but so far it has done the complete opposite to what they advise it should do and I feel like I'm going to be the medical freak who the rules don't work for. It's almost like my metabolism has completely failed to realise I'm gaining weight and is therefore still running at 40% rather than rising in line with the weight gain.

I want to just give up today bury my head in the sheets on my bed and cry but I don't even have the energy to cry because I am so tired and emotionally drained I have nothing left and no tears to cry. I only managed about an hours sleep and feel completely exhausted and I already feel like crap for sleeping much of yesterday and not having really done anything productive.

Today will be a tough one as I am really just freaking out and don't want to do it anymore. Dreading Monday already there is just no let up to this constant nightmare, flitting from one anxiety to the next without any real time to stop and catch a breath. Not sure how much more I can take.


  1. Remember what I said about you body being at such a low weight when you came in? If you'd been given purely what your body required to maintain your weight at that time, then you would have had a fair few increases by now, I'm sure. You aren't an exception to medical rule (unless you're actually only half-human :P ). You have been poorly for a very long time and your body is going to need more than a few months to recover. Your metabolism WILL sort itself out eventually, because it's physically impossible for your body to be getting what it needs to function properly with a small diet. I know it's flipping hard to believe, and I hope I haven't crossed the line by writing this. You are a Bec and you will get through this. It's in our blood. ;) x

  2. Thanks chick it means a lot to get support and advice from someone who knows exactly what it's like to go through it. No line has.been crossed at all I really appreciate your words. Will be thinking about you this weekend and sending happy vibes your way.

  3. What she said. Beccas are right, you know. *nodnod*

    Forgive me for not commenting for a bit, had a horrible chest infection that knocked me for six.