Sunday, 25 November 2012

Hard time

I haven't really felt much like communicating with the outside world over the last few days primarily because I have felt quite low in mood and thought that it wouldn't be particularly interesting for people to read a continuous out pour of verbal diareah of how I feel fat, my stomach is huge, my bum is massive and my thighs wobble when I walk top that off with the start of a double chin and you will see why perhaps I have just not bothered to say anything!!

Thought maybe today I would attempt to say something at least although positivity I can't promise. The unit is still a really unsettled place although we have decreased drastically in numbers and this weekend there is only four of us and one of those is on bed rest so there is just three jn the dining room. It is unfortunate that one of the three is refusing to eat anything and has been doing so now for several days although she is now being tube fed she is still paraded in to the dining room where she is given a meal only for her to sit there and not eat it, mean while the rest of us are meant to carry on eating and pretend that it doesn't effect us.
Truth is I wish it didn't bother me and it's not even that I think she is getting away without having calories its just really hard when you are struggling and she sits there cracking jokes and not eating, it feels like its ok for you to laugh and joke because your not having to face your fear but the rest of us are so shut your face!!!!

My frustration has just been increased by the staff nurse asking myself and the other patient who are eating to remain in the dining room once we had finished eating, when we questioned why we were told it wouldn't be discussed. It's hard enough being in the dining room anyway but do they really think I want to extend it longer without seemingly a good reason. It would appear that they were in the lounge with the patient not eating not sure doing what but as the lounge is a communal area it strikes me as inappropriate for them to be using it as a clinic when we have one. I sat in the dining room for 10 minutes and couldn't take it any longer so left and went to my room at least there I can use my iPad.

The other patient is still taking the piss around sitting time getting up and down and generally finding a million excuses not to sit down. I think in ward round I'm going to ask if I can manage my own sitting time as at least that way I will have a choice of going to my room if people are really pissing me off!! I also think I can manage to rest during this time and think I will be able to fight the urge to exercise as I tend to sleep after meals anyway just as a way to get through the initial intense period of when I want to vomit.

I am still getting the urge to vomit regularly and some days find it incredibly difficult to fight but with each day I try not to beat myself up if the previous day has not been 100% successful and start again. I it particularly difficult when I feel full as this in my head equates to fat and being disgusting, lazy and weakness that I have eaten and not fought against it. So far today I have not done too badly I slept after breakfast and then went in the activity room after sitting time from snacks and did some craft which passed away the morning just a pity that I had to have lunch which ruined my relatively relaxed feeling and has left me feeling hideous. I might try to go back in there after sitting time from lunch as there is screaming and shouting coming from one of the rooms which is really stressing me out. Hopefully then I can pass some of the afternoon till mom and dad come.

Weigh day again tomorrow already! time is here goes so slowly and at the same time flys past so quickly it's scary one minute it's breakfast I blink and it's final snacks it's just one long continuous nightmare with each meal running in to each other but on the other hand I feel like I have been here forever, mind you I will have been here 11 weeks tomorrow that really is forever!!

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