Monday, 26 November 2012

What day is it?

Just had one of those moments when you wake up and you have no idea what day it is and where you are and it takes a few minutes to work it out. Then I remembered all to quickly its Tuesday and I'm still in hospital. It's amazing how quickly the covers want to be pulled over my head and the desire for the day not to starting again. It makes very little difference that it's Tuesday as everyday in here is pretty much the same, eat sit, eat sit, you get the point. I suppose at least today there are quite a few things going on that will break the monotony. I have relaxation at 10.30am followed at 11.00am with the nutrition group. Then this afternoon I have anxiety management group. I would normally see the psychologist at 1pm but this week he is not here so will be seeing him tomorrow instead.
The highlight of my day will be Ben coming in this afternoon followed by a parental visit this evening. The sad part is all this will happen in the blink of an eye and then I will sleep for what feels like five minutes and the whole thing will start all over again!

Am feeling particularly anxious this morning as I think there is a possibility we may be getting a new admission on the ward today as staff were making a bed up in one of the rooms yesterday. It is always really difficult when new people come for several reasons. The worst and most eating disordered reason is not knowing how ill they are and how thin they are going to be, I worry if they will be worse than me and if they are I know I will feel like I need to be worse than them and want to loose weight and be thinner. I hate that this is the first thing that comes to mind but I have to be honest and this is very much the case. I worry how much bigger I will look compared to them. On a less selfish note I worry about how hard it is for them coming and having to start the difficult journey or worse still the thought that they have been here before and are just stuck in the seemingly never ending cycle of relapse and recovery. I think this is a particularly difficult thought as its how I see things being for the rest of my life and I just can't comprehend that being the case and this being all there is. I wonder how the dynamics of the unit will change although it couldn't really make it much worse, could it?!

On top of all that my hips are really painful as is my back to the point I can't gets comfortable and am extremely restless (hence why I'm awake so early when not being weighed) I did however get to see the aromatherapist yesterday for a massage as recommended by the physiotherapist and hopefully will be getting another one tomorrow at 10.30am providing she makes it in this week. That's tomorrows bit of a day break and also Ben coming in will be a highlight. Unfortunately by then it will mean that Thursday is imminent and therefore weigh day again. Only bonus to Thursday is that three of my best friends are coming in and I very much look forward to their visits as I get a couple of hours feeling relatively normal catching up on gossip, reminiscing and actually being able to laugh. Ahh light relief, I can't wait.

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