Tuesday, 13 November 2012

No more

Woke this morning hoping to feel much better after yesterday but I don't. I finally got took off bed rest after nine long weeks after the initial jump for joy a ton of other feelings soon came flooding in. I feel if I don't need to be on bed rest then I must be absolutely fine now not Ill and ready to be sent home this isn't helped by the fact I feel so disgustingly huge and detest being me.

I wish I could step out of my body for a few minutes and have a look at myself without anorexic goggles on and see how others see me but I can't and so all I'm left with is the constant terror and out of control feeling.

I spoke to the doctor this morning and was trying to get her to understand why I feel like I want to go home that my fear is that the weight isn't going to stop despite what they keep telling me as all the evidence so far just supports what I think and not what they are saying. I fear that I will never be able to eat normally again and so may as well just leave and go back to how I was at least then I felt in control and not completely day in day out disgusted by my body.
I have tried to get the doctor to agree to discus in ward round a plan of action so I know that when I get to my target weight if I'm still on this tiny diet and still gaining that there will be something they can do. I know they keep saying it won't be the case but I don't believe them and need to know that something will be in place for that eventuality otherwise I may as well just give up now!

I really can't pick myself up my mood is at an all time low and everything feels hopeless I honestly feel that it would be better if I could go to sleep and not wake up. I'm sorry if this is hard for people to hear and it's not said to hurt or upset people it's just about me being honest. It feels like if I will never be able to maintain at a weight I am relatively comfortable with and is healthier then I may as well not put myself through all this agony and just give up. It seems ridiculous if I can't be guaranteed of help to maintain then I will just end up loosing weight again and the vicious cycle will start again and quite frankly I can't deal with that prospect and I'm certain that neither will Ben or my family.

Have just had a good talk with the nurse and have gone over my ward round form it has helped a little as at least I felt like he had listened to my concerns and helped me get it down on paper in a relatively constructive and succinct way. He has asked for the team to review a plan for when I get to the weight I don't think I will want to go above as a starting point and in return I have agreed to see how I feel when i reach that point rather than just say now that there is no way I will go above that it seems a good compromise as in fairness I don't know how I will feel. I can only go on previous experience but that is experience from 11 years ago which is the last time I weighed that much. He also made me see that it is ok not to trust them as its honest and means that I am facing feelings rather than pretending there not there and it doesn't make me a bad person.

I think I will bop off now as I imagine i have depressed you all enough for one day but I will share something that the nurse has just said that I hope will turn out to be true "those who feel and acknowledge the pain are the ones that will recover"


  1. Oh I so agree with the nurse!

    Yes, this is hard to read, but only because you are hurting so bad, and how I wish I could just wave a magic wand and fix it all for you *ting* like that. Mind you, not that i need to, because you can do this. You ARE doing this, in fact!

    He's right you know, you're being so honest, and acknowledging your feelings and sharing them - not hiding them as you've been doing for so long. Big step. HUGE. It may feel like you're getting nowhere, but hang in there, you are progressing, even if it feels like a teen tiny step at a time.

    It's always darkest before dawn, and all that (((HUGS)))

  2. Thank you as always for your support it really does help to know there are people out there trying to understand xxxx

  3. People around you who don't have eating disorders (Ben perhaps?) could possibly try to describe to you what they see when they look at you at the moment - but I think it'll be a bit more time and healing before you'll really be able to take that on board. One day you'll look back at photos of yourself now and be horrified, and marvel that you were so desperately underweight but somehow managed to survive. You must be phenomenally strong - physically and mentally - to have got this far at all.

  4. Thanks I only wish I could believe it xx