Saturday, 3 November 2012

Same old!

I wish I had woken up today feeling much better than yesterday unfortunately I haven't I still feel completely hideous and massive. The nurse on my observation this morning wouldn't let me look at myself in the mirror to body check as she said it would make things worse. In actual fact by not letting me do it that has made me worse because I need to see how bad i look especially my stomach first thing but now I have had breakfast it's even worse and because I didn't really see it this morning it's all now too much and all I want to do is get rid of my food and I don't think I have strength today to fight the urge.

The only saving grace for today is that after a week apart I finally get to see Ben and I can't wait. He has had a manic week so not even managed to talk to him for that long so I am really looking forward to seeing him, I have to admit to also being nervous as I think he will be able to see how much I have changed and how much bigger I have got. Hoping the weather stays dry so we can have 10 minutes outside together in relative privacy. Mom and dad will come later on this afternoon as well which will be good as they go for a meal at the local pub and then come back in the evening so it fills my day quite well.

Decided to try doing some cross stitch after breakfast to act as a distraction method, hmm I think it's meant to be relaxing not sure that's the case for me as after doing three rows I had to undo part and quite frankly was ready to chuck the ruddy thing across the room! Maybe I'll try it when I'm a little calmer and not so stressed, think maybe i'll go back to reading.

Despite me not feeling great yesterday I did manage to do some prompt cards which I have given to dad to laminate so they don't get wrecked in the bathroom. I hope they work but today I don't feel too hopeful.

Don't really have much else to say today as all I can really think about is how huge I look and feel and am finding it hard to think about anything other than that maybe I will have more to say tomorrow.


  1. (((HUGS))) cross stitch is always beyond me! what about jigsaw puzzles?

  2. Have decided to try to stick to cross stitch although I may live to regret it x

  3. Stay with the cross stitch!

    Remember, always, that this disease is fucking with what you see when you look in the mirror. It's like cataracts of the brain, it's intefering with the image you get.

    I've been obese, although not very far into the category (BMI of 30 is the lower end of the range) and I can say with genuine confidence that even then people didn't look at me as if I was big - mostly because there were other, bigger people for them to be judgemental of, sadly. When you think about how huge you look and worry about other people seeing you, try to fit it in this context - anorexia says you look 'huge', you know this is the illness telling you lies. It fights back when you tell yourself it's lying but it doesn't change the fact that it is, and you know it is. You can win this fight.

    I know it's a complete bastard when it's your own brain that's turned on you. But that's the thing you really need to hang on to - it's NOT TRUE. Some tiny twitching ball of cells in your head is putting out this horrid stuff and you're going to heal it up or sort its chemistry out or whatever it is that it's going to take to get rid of - but you are, and can, and will.