Weight maintained this morning which I admit was a massive relief or at least it was for about two minutes before starting to panic about Monday's weigh in. I don't want to be lead in to a false sense of security as for the last two weeks I have either lost or put on a small amount on the Thursday and allowed myself to think that it might finally be stopping and plateauing only for the Monday to arrive and see it jump up a lot which has caused a melt down on both occasions. That is why I am now terrified to dream that it might finally be stopping as I can't cope with another melt down, although I know there will be many more to come.
I had a visit yesterday from a very close friend which I was both looking forward to and dreading at the same time, I hadn't seen him in three weeks and was terrified he would be able to see how much bigger I had got. He of course said that there was nothing of me I just wish I could believe him. This got me thinking why dread these things so much if you won't believe them anyway. It all comes down to our, and by our I don't necessarily mean people with eating disorders but infact I imagine a large proportion of the population, inability to accept compliments or not see the negatives over the positives I guess with this illness it's just heightened.
Ask yourself how many times if someone has given you a compliment be it over appearance or an achievement have you found yourself saying "oh no its not that good" "no I don't look that nice" "it's only an old dress/top etc" anyway you get the point. I am beginning to question why we tend to react in this way because if we're honest sometimes you might agree with the compliment but more often than not will still revert to type and not accept it. The reason for this is because it is, or at least for me, far easier to believe the negative so they don't really mean it, saying it to be kind, don't know how to tell me the truth rather than to just accept it say thank you and move on.
In my case I find it hard to believe any sort of positive reinforcement as anything other than a false platitude because I have so much self hate and low (well almost non existent) self esteem and confidence so struggle to believe that anyone could ever see anything positive about me or my actions. Negative thoughts are just easier to deal with for me because to see any positives evokes the feeling that people will think in arrogant, rude or big headed.
I have been learning that it is important to really challenge your negative thinking to ask yourself why you are thinking in this way. For example one of my fixed responses if someone is upset is to automatically think its my fault and to apologise however this is just one of my Core beliefs that I am constantly responsible for other peoples feelings, this is extremely negative and often really not the case. For example if someone is upset because they have cracked a tooth how can I be responsible, but believe me I will find a way!
I am really working on my core beliefs and trying to stop myself and question why do I think these things, what evidence have I got that the way I am thinking is correct. I am shocked at how draining it is to constantly keep trying to challenge the thoughts and question each negative response but I hope that with enough practise it will start to become easier and my fixed thinking and beliefs will become easier to challenge.
Anyway I have rambled on a bit today but I just wanted to share with you some advice that a very very special friend shared with me, unbeknown to me she has been having a very tough time lately and has been seeking some external help to deal with some issues and the one thing that she has really found helpful is each day when you wake tell yourself today is going to be a good day. Hopefully if you can start the day like this rather than thinking today will be just as crap as yesterday we have at least started with the thought that there is at least a possibility it might be a good day.
So to each and all have a good day and try to see some positives and challenge the negatives.