I just had the feeling I imagine people get when being released from prison. For the first time in almost two months I have been allowed outside to sit in the court yard for 10 minutes. Air has never felt so good the cool breeze on my skin and the clean fresh smell so crisp and clear in a word amazing. Who would have thought so much pleasure could be got from an activity others do each day without thinking. After two months though I felt a real sense of freedom and of calmness and clarity.
This is a very welcome feeling today being weigh day, my weight did increase slightly but since my melt down on Monday I'm afraid to say on a couple of occasions I have vomited due to my sheer panic that because I had stopped that's why my weight jumped Monday and panic over what it would now be if I hadn't been doing it at all. So now I'm back to square one or that's how it feels, I'm already dreading Monday incase it jumps up again if I don't use compensatory behaviour between now and then.
However my aim which I have talked about with my named nurse and the dietician this morning was to find ways in which I can look at stopping this behaviour and challenging my thoughts. I am going to try writing down every time I get the urge and also tell the staff member I'm with. Hopefully if I can do this I will be able to see if there is any sort of pattern or if it gets worse after any particular meal or event and then find ways to challenge it and find other ways to deal with the feelings and emotions triggering the reaction. I guess it's also important to try to remember that this is a behaviour I have used for 11 years and therefore can't expect it to go away in five minutes. My biggest fear is that I won't ever be able to stop as if I can't do it in here how on earth will I manage in the real world.
On a different note the ed nurse came to see me yesterday and to be honest my opinion of her hasn't changed, she did however advise me that I should be able to get funding to go on to the day care programme when I leave the inpatient unit if that's how I want to go forward. Also as the local team currently have no dietician that should also be funded for me to continue to see the dietician here. She has given me the option to see another ed nurse from the neighbouring team if i don't want to see her but would have to travel to them and I won't be able to meet her unless I choose to go with them as my care provider, this seems completely backwards to me how do I pick care from someone I have never even met? Well either way I have three weeks to decide. Im not entirely sure how when I can't even see how I'm going to get through the next day let alone think about how I'm going to feel and what care I will want/need in several months.