Wednesday, 14 November 2012

Let down

I feel completely cast adrift and let down. Ward round did not go well for me yesterday first and foremost they have said no to my exceptional leave on the 7th December to see Rod Gilbert's live show which Ben brought me the tickets for my birthday. Despite the fact that this is still a few weeks away. However when I asked if Ben was ok to take me to my dentist appointment on the 12th December a mere five days later the doctor said well you will probably be stronger and qbetter physically so that should be ok we will just have to speak to him. I pointed out to him what difference does that five days make but as always this was just brushed aside.

They have taken me off level three observations despite the assurance the other day that this would not happen so soon after bed rest ended in order to continue with the intensive support. Their solution to stop my urge to vomit was to put me on double sitting time which would mean sitting in the lounge for two hours after all meals and one hour after snacks. I told them they may as well have left me on bed rest as this would not be helpful and actually feel more of a punishment because I would be unable to use much of the distraction tools I use ie iPad, course work, speaking to family and friends as none of these items can be used in the lounge. When I told them this the doctor asked if I could guarantee not to vomit which of course I couldn't as there have been times on level three that I have not managed to resist the urge. The doctor said that I sounded like this is what I do and I can't change, err durhhh!! that's exactly how I feel but surely that's why I'm here!! Anyway I'm not doing it. The team were going to have another discussion when they had seen me and would come back to me surprise surprise they didn't and all that was handed over was that I was no longer on obs.

I feel like they went in to ward round and thought we can't have this many obs because we haven't got enough staff so because others are kicking off and I'm quite quiet and trying to comply that they just thought oh stick her in the lounge for longer and then we will no where she is so don't need to worry about her. The whole thing has made me feel like there is nothing wrong with me any more so I must be well and as big as I think I look so can go home after all I have gone from them panicking I'm going to die and constantly telling me how ill I am to someone just sticking their head in my door every hour not speaking and going again!!!!

No one bothered to tell me how the weigh day process went when your not on bed rest so had to work that out for myself. As always the weight is still going on! I think I have just resolved myself to the fact that I will reach my target weight on this tiny diet, not have the help to maintain, go home and then because I won't be able to eat relatively normal amounts will just slip straight back to old ways. I tried to discus with the doctor the plan for maintaining at a particular weight even if it was just until I decided if I was able to go further but all I get is we'll look at it when you get there. I tried to explain that my fears were that I would reach that point still not eating normal size meals and quite frankly his response really offended me I was told what i hear is that your scared, anorexic and putting on weight!! Thanks, just because some of my thoughts and feeling are anorexic they are still my feelings and should be no less valued that those without a problem.

To add to my stress they have taken it upon themselves that my epilepsy drugs should be reviewed and probably stopped because I haven't had a fit in about ten years (touch wood) so probably don't need them anymore. Why they feel they need to get involved with this is beyond me after all it has nothing to do with my eating problems. I am really not happy at this intrusion in to areas I feel they have no need to be involved in.

I am thinking I may as well go home and try to manage after all there would be more support there than I am getting here. I have promised not to make any rash decisions and to think things through. Until that point I will just keep my head down and my mouth shut as I have lost all the limited trust I had in staff and their care completely.

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