Friday, 9 November 2012


Feeling quite low today, didn't sleep too well again and when I was asleep I was dreaming about being here and the staff, I think that probably equates to a nightmare! Looked in the mirror and my stomach is looking so big I could sob I feel completely disgusting and lazy my bum looks flabby and my thighs are just chunky.

Doesn't help feeling so helpless, Ben is really stressed work wise and it's really getting him down it's so hard when I don't really know what to say to help and I can't even give him a hug. He isn't able to come home this weekend so that will be hard not just for me but I imagine for him as well although I hope he is not worrying too much about me and just concentrating on himself and the job in hand.

Yesterday was hard I was unbelievably tired all day and really struggled to keep my eyes open it really was just a constant battle. I am not wanting to sleep because I feel guilty and lazy and like I should be doing my course work not lazing about like a slob. The staff and even the other patients have said if your tired you should rest and then when you do feel like working it will be more productive, I wish I could think like this but it just feels so lazy to be sleeping in the day but yesterday I just couldn't stay awake.

A couple of my close friends came to visit last night which did make the end of the day more bearable as its a flash of normality catching up on the gossip and having some real girlie time. I have wonderful friends who I would not have come so far without their constant love, care, support and humour. I only hope one day I will be able to do for them what they do for me, to have the ability to be a proper friend who can give as well as take.

Not really much goes on now till Monday in terms of groups and quite a few people are going on weekend leave today not returning till Sunday night. Its so hard to watch people go home and hear how their going to spend time shopping, seeing friends and family or even just getting to sleep in their own bed while at the same time being really pleased for them. My weekend will be quiet and ultimately I will just be waiting for weigh day on Monday and dreading it. I think I will try to get some work done been as though there are no groups and the unit will be quiet. Mom is going to the craft fair on Saturday but thankfully my dad has said he will come over on the train I am so glad as it's good to spend some time together on our own (it's also a good opportunity for me to kick his bum at scrabble!!) mom will come over later, they will get some food and then come back till 9pm so at least my afternoon will be better.

It's hard to imagine how I would ever get through some days in here without friends and family to offer love and support and even at times allowing themselves to be my punch bag. At times like this you really get to see who your true friends are and it still shocks me each day how much they will stand by you even when you can offer little or nothing in return. I wish to these people and I hope they know who they are that I could give them something to show them how much they mean to me, how truly sorry I am for putting them through this and how I hope above hope that one day things will change and I can be the friend to them they so rightly deserve to have.

1 comment:

  1. Becky, I have so much admiration for you, not only do you have the courage to bare your thoughts and feelings to others on what your going through but you bare your sole. Having only brief times out with you and Ben with the gang, I had no insight to the massive battle you have been living with and can only comment on what a strong and courageous and beautiful individual you are. I hope that one day you will come to reflect upon how much you have coped with and through out it all (reading your blogs) your unselfishness to always think about others and how they manage with your illness. You really are incredibly strong and one day (hopefully soon) your mind will 'click' and realise it too and you get to live the life you deserve as you truly deserve a magnificent one! xxx