I am so tired today both physically and mentally thinking has never felt so exhausting. I feel like I could sleep for days and still feel drained. I don't want to sleep though because I feel lazy and useless, I haven't done much of my course work over the last few days and feel guilty for not spending more time on this and sleeping instead. I am struggling with feeling guilty for not fighting the tiredness and working i feel like sleeping is a failure. I have anxiety management group at 2pm today so may try to get some work done after that but the groups sometimes leave me so tired and I don't know why after all were only sitting down. I know sometimes you get more tired when you don't do much but before admission I was working full time 9-6 and then continued with cooking and house work when I got home and didn't feel half as tired as I do now and I have been doing practically nothing for 8 weeks.
We discussed in support group about feelings around when we leave and how we cope with fitting back in, this is something I worry about all the time it is really hard to think of everyone else's life going on while yours is on pause and thinking will there be a place for me when I leave or will the gap I left have been filled and I won't have a purpose anymore and no longer needed. I guess it's accepting that the gap you leave has to be filled and that things will have changed the purpose you once had will have changed as will you after all that's the point of being here. If there is no change then there is no point really putting yourself through this painful recovery process. It's easy to say this but not easy to accept.
I have to admit to feeling terrified, jealous and sad earlier when Ben told me he was off to see a show in London tonight with another woman. I don't know her as it is one of his friends from old and although I am pleased he is taking some time out from his stressful week to have some quality time doing something he enjoys completely un related to work I can't help but acknowledge the pangs of jealousy and fear. Not necessarily jealous of the act of going to a show more that he is experiencing it with someone else giving him yet more of an idea on what he has missed out on being stuck with me and this illness. Jealous also of her because she is able to do things I can't and haven't done for so long and sharing experiences with my husband that we should be experiencing together. While I trust him implicitly I can't help but worry he will find if not in her but someone all the things he doesn't get from me and move on. It all comes down to negative thoughts and thinking that I am useless, worthless and don't really deserve him anyway so why shouldn't he find someone else. I know these thoughts are not helpful and really need to be challenged but at the moment I don't feel able and don't know if I ever will.