Monday, 5 November 2012

Please stop!

Here we go again as I predicted my weight went up quite a lot again this morning I really can't take much more. I can't get my head round the fact I have now put on a stone since I got here with only one increase and still it's going up and still showing no sign that it will plateau. I feel like it is completely out of control and like I'm some sort of medical freak. I asked the dietician when it will stop but she can't say but they do admit they have not known for weight to continue to go up for this long without a change of diet which has really made me think that I will be the medical mystery whose weight will just keep going up and up.

I feel absolutely huge and can't believe anyone when they tell me that I look the same as I did when I came in and the only thing that has changed is the colour of my skin and that it's not pulled so tight it looks like it might rip!

The dietician said it might be worth putting something else in my diet anyway as she thinks possibly because my diet is quite low my body may still be holding on to everything and if we increase it it might start to burn more, I just can't think about this until I see that it will stop otherwise I will never believe them.

Day has gone from bad to worse I hadn't picked my 3.15 pm snack as mom had come in I had gone straight to my room after lunch which is when I usually fill it in we then didn't come out of the group till 3pm and then I was back on bed rest. I decided to have my 10 minutes outside but then they called snacks and I realised I hadn't been asked what I was having so thought maybe I had written it down in the morning and forgot I'd done it, WRONG they had chosen for me! This did not go down well as they had selected a Twirl which I really don't like as the claggy feeling they give you in the mouth makes me gag. I asked to see the nurse in charge to say I had not been given a chance to pick but was told several people had not picked either so they chose for us! To be honest it was only after dinner that one of the other patients said that because of being on bed rest they should have brought the list to me to pick. In the end when no one came i made myself eat some of it but i only managed half because it made me feel sick but I figured it was better to have some rather than nothing. To say I'm pissed of would be understatement of the decade!!

Dinner was then huge, we had French bread pizza and I'm sure last time I had one piece but this time I had two so cue yet more tears.

The crapness of the day has been compounded by the fact that today is my dads birthday and I haven't been able to see him or celebrate with him so feel like I have let him down, again!

Now just when I thought I had no more tears to cry I have just spoken to Ben who has had a really traumatic and stressful meeting and feels like crap and was in need of a hug. I wish so much that I could be there for him, I feel like my words are meaningless and that i can't say anything to help him feel better, I guess this is how he feels about me much of the time.

So that takes me to now and all I can think is please god let this day be over but to be honest tomorrow will then be here in a flash and I will undoubtably feel just as crap, fat and useless. There is a new patient coming in tomorrow which I am dreading as it will just be someone else that I will be twice as big as. When oh when will this whole thing stop!!

1 comment:

  1. (((HUGS))) I know the body can go into 'starvation mode' when it hoards everything it gets because it's not sure when it will get sustenance again. I guess it needs to trust that it is going to get food at regular intervals, and that's going to take a little while rather than over night?

    Also if you were so underweight that they were afraid for your health when you were admitted, maybe your body hasn't quite restored to it's nominal weight yet?

    and you know what - WELL DONE for eating that Twirl, especially when you didn't choose it. Seems (to me anyway) like a significant step

    I know you feel like you're going backwards, but i think thats maybe the illness trying to stop you, because it seems to me like you're making huge progress, hang in there xxx