I feel I need to explain a few things as I'm worried people may have the wrong idea about things I have said about Ben and our relationship. First and foremost I trust Ben completely and the jealousy I spoke of yesterday was more about how I was feeling about how I have let him down as a wife and my concerns that he has not had the love and experiences he should have been having with me. I'm not worried that he will stray but more that eventually I will push him too far after all there is only so much one person can take, and to be honest Ben has already taken a life times worth of crap from me.
It may have come across in precious blogs like Ben does very little in terms of house work and therefore not been shown in a very good light. I would like to say that although I did do the majority of the cooking and cleaning this was my choice and he did offer. I can see that my perfectionist traits and desperate search for some level of control prevented me in allowing him to take over jobs I thought I should be doing as I wanted them done to my standards, which of course were impossible for me to meet let alone Ben. I'm so sorry to him because I can now see that I will more than likely have had a negative effect on his own self esteem by criticising things he did that in my eyes were wrong or not good enough. There were times he would Hoover the lounge and instead of me saying thank you and being grateful I would pick fault and accuse him of not doing a proper job. Equally I would get annoyed when I got home from work if he hadn't tidied the lounge or left washing up in the kitchen as in my eyes when he is home all day there is no excuse for it not to have been done. On evaluation maybe I should have been more accepting that although he was home he had still been working hard and I would imagine he got to the point when he didn't see the point of trying to do things if all I was going to do was criticise him anyway at least this way I could only moan that it hadn't been done and not for him to feel like he had done it and I was still not satisfied.
A friend of mine recently spoke about some marriage counselling she and her husband had regarding ways in which to avoid arguments that they were constantly experiencing. She spoke about how it was important to think about what sparked the arguments and if they were things either partner did that irritated them to think rationally about them before just reacting, spending a few moments to think would it be easier to just do the job in question and not make it in to an issue worth arguing about, was it really that terrible. I think this is a valid point and there will always be things that either partner does that will irritate the hell out of you it's just deciding how you deal with these irritations. Ben will leave half drunk cups of coffee for days on end around his office as well as dishes of half eaten cereal which are left till the milk has set and begun to smell, I will ask him continuously to bring them down and wash them as often I will go to make a drink and discover we have no cups. This behaviour irritates me intensely and despite my constant requests not to do it he continues to do so this undoubtedly causing an argument. I will end up just washing them when what I should really do is try to rise above it keep a cup on one side that is just for me and wait in the hope that eventually he will realise he has no more cups and therefore wash them himself. Until now i have found this impossible but when i leave the unit I will try have the patience to do this. I suppose some of it could come back to him thinking well even if I do it it won't be good enough anyway so why bother. Either that or he is just lazy!!
I guess what I'm trying to get across is that people's relationships are never simple and I am beginning to realise how much of an impact my illness has had not only on me, my eating,self confidence, self worth and my life but the massive effect it has had on Ben in all these areas and of course also my family and friends. I am deeply sorry for this and wish I could promise I could change and make it better over night but this illness didn't get me here over night so I should stop expecting it to go away that quickly.