My mood is really up and down today and it's only 11.30am. When I woke up I felt crappy because I still felt like I'd eaten a brick (last nights dinner was really heavy!) and that I was huge and disgusting, needless to say breakfast was hard. I then has a really good talk with my named nurse which left me feeling slightly better and a bit more positive, I discussed ward round for today and asking them to reconsider my exceptional leave on the seventh to see Rod Gilbert and also plans around Christmas if I can get leave. We had support group which for once was not just thirty minutes of silence. After snacks I had to meet with my local ed nurse again and give her a decision about which service I want to go with, either her and the local service or the neighbouring service. Luckily I have found out that I can access some areas without actually having to see her so I felt ok to go with my local service and who knows all might have changed by the time I leave.
I am now feeling quite low though as I have been waiting and looking forward for a week for a massage with the complimentary therapist who I have just heard is now not going to be in. This will now be the second week I have missed out and that was what was keeping my mood up today so now I feel really annoyed, wound up and angry!! I can't believe that this can make me feel so crap and really drag my mood so low I could scream and cry. It's interesting though that in our anxiety group yesterday we looked at how we deal with disappointment and it's true that I don't deal with it for being just disappointing but instead make it in to a massive issue that i blame myself for and use to reinforce negative thoughts. Instead of just thinking oh that's a shame I actually think typical I new it would go wrong nothing good ever happens to me!! The frustrating thing is knowing your doing it and thinking this way and feeling unable to change.
I saw one of my best friends yesterday who I hadn't seen for some time I was so nervous of what she would think when she saw me and have to admit that I felt devastated when she told me I looked well, luckily I plucked up the courage to ask her what she meant by this as I thought she was telling me I looked far too big to be in a specialist unit, it turned out that she thought I had good colour but was still very very thin. Now while I know she wouldn't lie and I had asked her what she meant rather than just going on my assumptions I still couldn't help but think she was just saying it to stop me flipping out. I really hate that I feel this way. This friend has been going through a really hard time herself and it was really good to talk to someone and see that much of the way i think she is also feeling just without the food issues, now while I do not wish these thoughts and feelings on her it was good to talk to someone who I felt could really identify with many of the thoughts and feelings I was experiencing and i hope that in some small way talking with me may have helped her as well.