It is so exhausting worrying I should know because it's all I seem to do, in fact I think I would worry about having nothing to worry about!!
It feels that I live in a constant state of anxiety lurching from one worry to the next.
I lost a small amount of weight in today's weigh in which I admit to being over the moon about not all because the anorexia was chuffed but more of a positive reinforcement that vomiting or at least not vomiting does not always correlate to weight gain. The reason I can feel this is because I have now managed to go five days without vomiting and worried this would equate to me having a huge weight gain. However I am now already worrying about Monday as I am convinced that I will have the huge gain then and that it will just confirm my worst fears and my weight isn't finally plateauing after all.
I am also worried that this environment is currently running the risk of making me worse and so have seriously considered trying to discharge myself, what stops me is the ever constant threat of being sectioned and also in more rational moments realising that I may cope for a few days or maybe a week or two but it would not be long before I slipped back in to old ways as I'm just not in the right place yet to accept recovery and to move on. Although I can't accept recovery and all associated with it for myself at the moment I owe it to Ben, my family and friends to keep trying and to try to stay focused and not let those around me effect me.
That is far easier said than done as I am particularly finding being around certain other patients extremely difficult. One in particular is driving me to distraction but at the same time I do feel sorry for her as she is clearly deluding herself that she is not ill either that or she really is a super nut job that needs to go from here to some other ward, perhaps one with a padded cell!!!!
I found yesterday particularly difficult as this patient and another at my table both refused their lunch and supplements this made me feel like a complete failure for sitting their dutifully eating mine and also that I was a complete heffer that clearly did not have a problem. I tried to talk to staff about this and the fact that my urge to vomit had really increased but this was at 1.15pm and at 5.30pm I was still waiting. I was so angry and just felt that I was not worthy of help because I wasn't screaming and shouting and didn't warrant any support and therefore must be fine. A similar situation occurred at dinner with the one refusing to eat all their meal and so the other followed suit and also refused, luckily I had already left the table else I suspect they may have ended up wearing their dinner!!
Frustration and anger came to ahead after snacks when they both went outside and were walking about during sitting time red mist descended and I lost my temper lurched for the door fully intent on punching one if not both of them, luckily by the time I reached the door my tiny rational side stopped me and so I just yelled at them to sit the fuck down because your taking the piss! Granted it was not the most articulate or constructive i could have been but the point was made never the less. I stormed off to my room like a stroppy teenager and fumed quietly till I felt that I had calmed down and able to face the ward again. Evening snacks were no better with one of them refusing that also.
It feels like this patient is trying to be the other it is so weird and scarily unhealthy, while I no and have explained previously that you can pick up on each others habits and anxieties quite easily this is something really quite different. It really feels like she is emulating to be her marking her arms the same way, refusing meals because she is, following her around, picking snacks together and a whole host of other things. Weird that's all I can say!!
So here we go again with yet another day I will try to focus on me and not be effected by those around but this is seriously far far easier said than done.