It's been a while since I last wrote primarily because I didn't want it to bore anyone that should read with the sad excuse for my life!!
As you can tell from my tone life has not exactly been particularly kind to me of late with things gradually slipping further and further downhill. Following a difficult wisdom tooth extraction I developed a nasty infection which impacted hugely on my ability to eat worse still I managed to get a virus at the same time which played havoc with my blood pressure causing me to faint at increasingly often intervals. Needless to say this had an impact on my weight which was already causing concern to my cpn. However despite several conversations regarding readmission to a specialist unit I have still remained free to reek havoc on the world.
The past few months have been super stressful desperately trying to move on with life without Ben and dealing with the breakup of a close friendship. I thought the world of the man I thought of as my best friend and would have walked over hot coals for him. I supported him while he was at his lowest point following the breakup of his long term relationship and did all I could to get him through it. I to this day still remain quite shocked, hurt and disappointed over the way he has gone on to treat me. One minute we were spending all the time we could together then suddenly he was gone, turns out he had started seeing someone new but didn't think me worthy enough as his so called best friend to tell me. I haven't seen him now since June when I went out with friends for my birthday, which also ended with me in hospital for the night but that's another story! He has recently made contact to ask to meet up but we shall see.
So on top of the upset of loosing my friend Five months ago Ben and I reluctantly accepted an offer on our house, much lower than we hoped for but were assured it was a cash buyer looking for a quick sale. However now five months on and the sale has still not gone through and now having signed contracts the purchasers have decided they want a further £6k off the already crazy low price. To say this has pushed me closer to the edge would be an understatement. We of course told them in no uncertain terms to do one but sadly having sat down with Ben we have realised that In fact we have no option but to agree to the demands of the buyer or as I prefer the bitch cow from hell!! We have managed to get a slightly better offer getting them to agree to a £3500 reduction rather than the full £6 k. The fear now is as we are expecting to exchange on the 4th November when they return from a holiday that they will do the same again, change their mind and demand more money off. If this happens I really have no idea what we will do as we already can't cover our full debts with what we're getting. So another two weeks of worrying over that is sure to follow.
The house saga leads me nicely on to the Ben situation, you would think after over a year things would be getting easier for me to deal with but the truth is it isn't. Despite hating the way he has treated me and some of the issues that have come out during the divorce proceedings and in trying to sort finances which have hurt me no end the sad truth of the matter is that I still miss him. I want to hate him, some of the time I do but then I think back to all the happy times we had but that makes it even worse because now I doubt they were ever real. I don't know if he ever really loved me and if all the times I thought we were happy were real at all. I find myself sitting thinking about him and wondering what he's doing and worse still wondering if he ever thinks about me and the past, if he ever has any feelings towards me other than hate. I've lost count of the times I've shed tears over him and how close I've come to just wanting to end it all, end the pain and the stress I cause to my friends and family.
I think the main reason I've not gone that far is seeing the devastation that the recent suicide of a very good friend of mine has caused to all those who loved her, all the unanswered questions of why and what could we have done. Sad thing is there was nothing anyone could do when you get to that point that you see no other option and make that choice there is no going back. It devastates me to think this is now the third friend I have lost to mental illness and even sadder I doubt it will be the last.
Anyway if your still reading I've probably depressed more than enough for a Sunday or any day for that matter so I shall just bugger off and do something productive or maybe I'll just watch Hollyoaks 😉