Sunday, 11 November 2012

Want to go back

Nice to see that yet again I was right not to get my hopes up over the final plateauing of my weight as predicted it went up in a large jump yet again. To make my utter despair worse my weight has now gone from the 20's to the 30's (kg) it has not been this high in years and I completely hate it and myself for allowing it to happen.

All I want to see is for it to plateau so I know my body is finally ready to accept more, I know it sounds strange to be in an ed unit and getting upset over a tiny diet but I am. I feel at the moment that my weight is going to continue to increase to the point I reach my target weight and I will still be on the same diet as I was on seven weeks ago and will then need to reduce it to try to stop it increasing further.

What makes it worse is that the dietician said weeks ago that the diet I was on wasn't adequate to really make me gain much weight, so how is it I have only had one increase (adding around 200 calories) in nine weeks and I have put on over a stone and it's still going!!

Each meal I eat looks huge but I know realistically if someone without an ed were to be given it they would be shocked and ask where the rest of the meal was but this is making me feel even more like I will never eat normally again. Now I know I haven't really eaten normally for years and I accept eating what ever you want as long as you can vomit is not normal but the way I feel is that I would prefer to go back to that than deal with the prospect of never eating the foods I love ever again without this continued weight gain.

I really want to give in tell the staff to stick treatment where the sun doesn't shine as up to yet they have been wrong and I am terrified that I am going to be the exception to the rule (more than I have already) and the weight really isn't going to stop. I want to go home so I can once again be comfortable in my skin and feel like I have a semblance of control over my own body deluded or not this is what I want.

Short of refusing to eat I don't know how to deal with this as I don't trust the dietician or staff as up to yet its me that's been correct about my weight and it feels like they are just saying it will stop in order to placate me. Well I'm sorry but it isn't working. My head is screaming and I want to rip at my skin to try to get rid of the disgusting fat covering my stomach, bum and thighs!

Quite frankly I am repulsed by my body and feel weak at my inability to stop the weight and feel like I am spiralling out of control, set for a melt down on a global scale and god help those around when I do.


  1. (((Hugs))) Not sure what to say m'dear... I've always been small, short at 5ft4, petite and light - at around 55 or so kg. I know it's all relative but I'm thinking 30kg is ever so light still... Do you look at BMI at all? would that help? to see what bracket you were in I mean?

    I would imagine that although you are not eating much, the fact you are not vomiting it (well done you!) means that your body is actually getting to process more of it, hence the weight gain. I don't think it means you wont be able to eat your favourite foods without going over your goal weight (when you get there)

    just (((HUGS))) I wish I could make it all easier for you, I can see how hard this is for you. I can only say that while the dietician is of course not infallible, they have studied in this subject area and probably do have an idea of what they're doing, though you are of course always entitled to a second opinion xx

  2. It will settle. It really, really will. It literally can't not - we're talking pure maths here, biochemistry. Like mamacrow said, you're still not even consistently managing to hang on to the food you DO eat, the effect being that if you have a few days where you manage the whole portion and don't vomit, that's going to be exactly the same effect as increasing the meal - because the net effect is the same, you're hanging on to more calories. Few weeks of consistently eating, and keeping, every meal and you'll have a much more honest picture of how your body's handling it.

    I'm so glad you've managed to gain some weight. I know you're not, or at least the anorexic bit of your brain isn't, but that's just *that much* further away from you dying, that's your heart muscle having enough energy to work properly, your liver and kidneys and spleen being able to do their job and be protected by that magic, precious tissue - the omentum - of which a small amount of fat is a critical part.

    Keep going. You CAN do this. You have a life to return to, your own home, own bed, husband.

  3. Thank you both that's all I can say just a huge thank you xxxx