The overly vocal patient has gone, discharged herself yesterday and alarms hardly went off so for a few hours at least the unit regained some of its quiet and calm, even if just on the exterior. The only problem with this is that it gives you more time to think about yourself rather than having an excuse of using others as a distraction.
My thoughts haven't really changed much since yesterday I still feel like I've resolved myself to the thought that I will never be able to have a normal relationship with food or weight and that I will never be free of the time consuming fixation I have on certain areas of my body and how much I detest them.
The only high light of my today is that Ben is finally coming home after two weeks away. I am so excited and I can't wait to see him however at the same time I am so scared that he will see huge changes to my shape the thought of which is just terrifying me.
We had an interesting session on body image yesterday looking at what we thought we're healthy and unhealthy body images. I think that everyone has parts of their body they are dissatisfied with but I think it's a sliding scale on that level of dissatisfaction as to how it effects you and your desire to Change it. Ultimately body image is not really about how you actually look but how you think and feel and how that can influence your thinking about how you look. It's so easy to become fixated on issues such as my stomach is too big and the more you fixate on it the worse it becomes and the bigger it looks, it may not have changed at all but because you are focused on it the worse your feelings become about that area and the more you see it negatively.
This can be true in other areas of life so maybe you feel that your not good at your job so you fixate on how you can improve but the more you stress and worry about changing the more negative feelings you will experience this will just escalate the problem more and more.
So despite the fact that I am utterly repulsed by my body I am challenging myself each day to try to look at it differently, to not focus on the fact that I no longer have the gap where my underwear fits over my hip bones which I see as the only way it should look. Looking at what I see as a now huge, rounded sticking out stomach and trying to see if I can possibly see it flat like others are telling me it is and if there is any way I might be able to see it as ok and think that I might be able to live with it in a new shape. So far I have not been able to but I will keep trying.