I can't believe how quickly my mood can change not only day by day but seemingly by the minute. I can go from relatively positive to completely negative, from calm to raging, and happy(ish) to uncontrollable sadness all within a few minutes. This instability is exhausting and much of the time quite overwhelming especially when much of the time I don't know how to deal with emotions, particularly the negative ones.
Yesterday felt quite positive like I was thinking better about the future and how I could make positive steps in challenging myself, thoughts, feelings and how to take steps to stop compensatory methods in order to deal with emotions and to find other ways to manage them. Today however I have woken up feeling like yesterday was nothing but a pipe dream and that I am kidding myself that things can ever change or that I will ever be free of this illness and will only ever be able to exist if I can use compensatory behaviour. I feel completely deflated and useless like all I have done is let people down especially my family.
I have had on three different outfits so far and can't stand to wear any of then because I look huge in everything. I really wanted to wear my jeans and a grey chunky knitted jumper but when I put them on the jeans are now too tight and all it showed was my stomach sticking out my bum looking huge and how big my thighs have got. I asked the nurse if she thought my stomach was sticking out and she said no its just the material in other words yes you look like its sticking out!
The unit in a whole is quite subdued today I think because most of the other patients are waiting to go on leave some today and some over Saturday and Sunday. Me however I'm stuck here no leave and quite frankly today feeling like all I am want to do is die!
I am particularly struggling with the arrival of a new patient she is tiny and looks like she might snap, she isn't on bed rest but I can clearly see I am twice the size of her I just try to avoid being next her so no one can see how big I am. I am also finding her intensely irritating, she jabbers on insessantly like a chattering monkey and so far she has been late to most meals which is not an issue for those patients on the unsupervised tables but for me on supervised it means we can't start till she arrives. This morning alone that left me sitting in the dining room for 10 minutes waiting getting more and more anxious especially as we only have a certain amount of time to eat.
She also got up mid breakfast and started scrutinising the cereal box information and then proceeded to get the peanut butter and discuss the label, I know we all have issues but seriously does she really need to do this at the table when others are desperately trying to get away from this negative behaviour. She has also been told about sitting time several times and still continues to make excuses to get up and wander round, if she doesn't pack it in I'm going to tie lead weights to her feet!!
We have just had patient support group, this is a group we have each morning at 9.30am for half an hour and to say its excruciating would be an understatement. It's a patient led thing where we can discuss issues or share problems and gain support unfortunately no one really speaks so it ends up being half an hour of an uncomfortable silence that almost always ends up raising anxiety levels.
I found today particularly difficult as all I could think was that everyone was looking at me and thinking how big and ugly I am.
Have also had weekend support group which is when people share what their plans,challenges and fears are for the weekend particularly for those going on leave. It was good to hear what people are doing but just made me feel even crapper that I'm stuck her missing Ben, my family, friends, Mr George and my home.
Was going to have a go at doing some prompt cards to put up on the bathroom door and on the wall near the toilet and sink just to try to stop me in my tracks before vomiting and make me stop and think rather than just reacting however today I can't think of anything useful to put as today I just feel like its all just pointless.