Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Medical freak!!

Oh for f***s sake it's still going!! Just been weighed and it has gone up again despite now having had no increase in my diet for nine weeks. Even the staff are surprised its not stopped yet I just know I'm going to get to my target weight on this diet and then will be unable to stop gaining feel completely out of control and spiral back down in to my old ways because it's the only way I can see to control my weight.

The staff and dietician keep assuring me it will stop and to trust them but so far it has done the complete opposite to what they advise it should do and I feel like I'm going to be the medical freak who the rules don't work for. It's almost like my metabolism has completely failed to realise I'm gaining weight and is therefore still running at 40% rather than rising in line with the weight gain.

I want to just give up today bury my head in the sheets on my bed and cry but I don't even have the energy to cry because I am so tired and emotionally drained I have nothing left and no tears to cry. I only managed about an hours sleep and feel completely exhausted and I already feel like crap for sleeping much of yesterday and not having really done anything productive.

Today will be a tough one as I am really just freaking out and don't want to do it anymore. Dreading Monday already there is just no let up to this constant nightmare, flitting from one anxiety to the next without any real time to stop and catch a breath. Not sure how much more I can take.

Monday, 26 November 2012

What day is it?

Just had one of those moments when you wake up and you have no idea what day it is and where you are and it takes a few minutes to work it out. Then I remembered all to quickly its Tuesday and I'm still in hospital. It's amazing how quickly the covers want to be pulled over my head and the desire for the day not to starting again. It makes very little difference that it's Tuesday as everyday in here is pretty much the same, eat sit, eat sit, you get the point. I suppose at least today there are quite a few things going on that will break the monotony. I have relaxation at 10.30am followed at 11.00am with the nutrition group. Then this afternoon I have anxiety management group. I would normally see the psychologist at 1pm but this week he is not here so will be seeing him tomorrow instead.
The highlight of my day will be Ben coming in this afternoon followed by a parental visit this evening. The sad part is all this will happen in the blink of an eye and then I will sleep for what feels like five minutes and the whole thing will start all over again!

Am feeling particularly anxious this morning as I think there is a possibility we may be getting a new admission on the ward today as staff were making a bed up in one of the rooms yesterday. It is always really difficult when new people come for several reasons. The worst and most eating disordered reason is not knowing how ill they are and how thin they are going to be, I worry if they will be worse than me and if they are I know I will feel like I need to be worse than them and want to loose weight and be thinner. I hate that this is the first thing that comes to mind but I have to be honest and this is very much the case. I worry how much bigger I will look compared to them. On a less selfish note I worry about how hard it is for them coming and having to start the difficult journey or worse still the thought that they have been here before and are just stuck in the seemingly never ending cycle of relapse and recovery. I think this is a particularly difficult thought as its how I see things being for the rest of my life and I just can't comprehend that being the case and this being all there is. I wonder how the dynamics of the unit will change although it couldn't really make it much worse, could it?!

On top of all that my hips are really painful as is my back to the point I can't gets comfortable and am extremely restless (hence why I'm awake so early when not being weighed) I did however get to see the aromatherapist yesterday for a massage as recommended by the physiotherapist and hopefully will be getting another one tomorrow at 10.30am providing she makes it in this week. That's tomorrows bit of a day break and also Ben coming in will be a highlight. Unfortunately by then it will mean that Thursday is imminent and therefore weigh day again. Only bonus to Thursday is that three of my best friends are coming in and I very much look forward to their visits as I get a couple of hours feeling relatively normal catching up on gossip, reminiscing and actually being able to laugh. Ahh light relief, I can't wait.


Well I'd like to say I'm surprised about today's weigh in but I'm not yes you guessed right it went up again so still no sign of a plateau. I actually don't think it would have mattered what it did today as I was already feeling really crap and huge before i got on the scales so I guess the gain just reinforced how I felt.

Had quite a stressful morning. It had been mentioned a couple of weeks ago that the doctor wanted to assess if I should still be taking my epilepsy medication as they didn't want me taking stuff I didn't need! I questioned why they had suddenly decided this and was told that because I hadn't had a fit in about 10 years (touch wood) that I probably didn't need to be on medication!! Now is it me or does this make no sense at all? Why would you question if someone needed to be on a drug because they were displaying no symptons of the problem the drug is taken for when the aim of said medication is to do just that!!?

I made it perfectly clear to the doctor that I had real reservations about coming off the drug despite that fact that I too hate taking tablets especially if there not needed. I pointed out that we went through hell trying to get a diagnosis when I started with the problem and it took up a massive part of my life and was the cause of me having to drop out of sixth form. We went through several possible diagnosis's and at one time was even told it was psychosomatic,  it was only when we saw a professor who was specialised in neurology that he diagnosed epilepsy and was shocked that no one had tried medication to see if it stopped the fits. I started medication and although it took a while the condition started to become controlled. The diagnosis impacted on my life massively as it meant that I couldn't pursue learning to drive and at the time would have to be fit free for three years. I finally went three clear years and got to learn to drive. This enabled me to change jobs as I was no longer restricted to having to work close to home.

So this is one of my main concerns with stopping treatment based on the idea that I might not need the drug the point is if they stop it and I fit they will completely destroy my life as I would be unable to continue to drive and therefore would be unable to do my job. This at a time when I already feel like I am ruining my life and that of those around me and now they want to give me this added stress.
Anyway my mom came in this morning to talk to the doctor about the time I was diagnosed and what happened in terms of fits, good old mom went in guns blazing informing the doctor in no uncertain terms that they would stop the drug over her dead body, hmm useful!! I did ask her to calm down but I was actually really grateful for the support. I did at least admit to the doctor that them questioning my medication reminded me of being diagnosed and that I felt like they didn't believe I had a problem and was making it up. When asked if I had any say or if my opinion would even be considered she said it would but if they felt it was not needed they would not prescribe it, so in other words no!

So now I am really stressing as its made me feel like getting better is even more pointless if there going to make another problem come back and if it does I really will give up and will just want to die, this is a hard enough fight without having to go through that again as well.

Sunday, 25 November 2012

Hard time

I haven't really felt much like communicating with the outside world over the last few days primarily because I have felt quite low in mood and thought that it wouldn't be particularly interesting for people to read a continuous out pour of verbal diareah of how I feel fat, my stomach is huge, my bum is massive and my thighs wobble when I walk top that off with the start of a double chin and you will see why perhaps I have just not bothered to say anything!!

Thought maybe today I would attempt to say something at least although positivity I can't promise. The unit is still a really unsettled place although we have decreased drastically in numbers and this weekend there is only four of us and one of those is on bed rest so there is just three jn the dining room. It is unfortunate that one of the three is refusing to eat anything and has been doing so now for several days although she is now being tube fed she is still paraded in to the dining room where she is given a meal only for her to sit there and not eat it, mean while the rest of us are meant to carry on eating and pretend that it doesn't effect us.
Truth is I wish it didn't bother me and it's not even that I think she is getting away without having calories its just really hard when you are struggling and she sits there cracking jokes and not eating, it feels like its ok for you to laugh and joke because your not having to face your fear but the rest of us are so shut your face!!!!

My frustration has just been increased by the staff nurse asking myself and the other patient who are eating to remain in the dining room once we had finished eating, when we questioned why we were told it wouldn't be discussed. It's hard enough being in the dining room anyway but do they really think I want to extend it longer without seemingly a good reason. It would appear that they were in the lounge with the patient not eating not sure doing what but as the lounge is a communal area it strikes me as inappropriate for them to be using it as a clinic when we have one. I sat in the dining room for 10 minutes and couldn't take it any longer so left and went to my room at least there I can use my iPad.

The other patient is still taking the piss around sitting time getting up and down and generally finding a million excuses not to sit down. I think in ward round I'm going to ask if I can manage my own sitting time as at least that way I will have a choice of going to my room if people are really pissing me off!! I also think I can manage to rest during this time and think I will be able to fight the urge to exercise as I tend to sleep after meals anyway just as a way to get through the initial intense period of when I want to vomit.

I am still getting the urge to vomit regularly and some days find it incredibly difficult to fight but with each day I try not to beat myself up if the previous day has not been 100% successful and start again. I it particularly difficult when I feel full as this in my head equates to fat and being disgusting, lazy and weakness that I have eaten and not fought against it. So far today I have not done too badly I slept after breakfast and then went in the activity room after sitting time from snacks and did some craft which passed away the morning just a pity that I had to have lunch which ruined my relatively relaxed feeling and has left me feeling hideous. I might try to go back in there after sitting time from lunch as there is screaming and shouting coming from one of the rooms which is really stressing me out. Hopefully then I can pass some of the afternoon till mom and dad come.

Weigh day again tomorrow already! time is here goes so slowly and at the same time flys past so quickly it's scary one minute it's breakfast I blink and it's final snacks it's just one long continuous nightmare with each meal running in to each other but on the other hand I feel like I have been here forever, mind you I will have been here 11 weeks tomorrow that really is forever!!

Wednesday, 21 November 2012


It is so exhausting worrying I should know because it's all I seem to do, in fact I think I would worry about having nothing to worry about!!

It feels that I live in a constant state of anxiety lurching from one worry to the next.
I lost a small amount of weight in today's weigh in which I admit to being over the moon about not all because the anorexia was chuffed but more of a positive reinforcement that vomiting or at least not vomiting does not always correlate to weight gain. The reason I can feel this is because I have now managed to go five days without vomiting and worried this would equate to me having a huge weight gain. However I am now already worrying about Monday as I am convinced that I will have the huge gain then and that it will just confirm my worst fears and my weight isn't finally plateauing after all.

I am also worried that this environment is currently running the risk of making me worse and so have seriously considered trying to discharge myself, what stops me is the ever constant threat of being sectioned and also in more rational moments realising that I may cope for a few days or maybe a week or two but it would not be long before I slipped back in to old ways as I'm just not in the right place yet to accept recovery and to move on. Although I can't accept recovery and all associated with it for myself at the moment I owe it to Ben, my family and friends to keep trying and to try to stay focused and not let those around me effect me.

That is far easier said than done as I am particularly finding being around certain other patients extremely difficult. One in particular is driving me to distraction but at the same time I do feel sorry for her as she is clearly deluding herself that she is not ill either that or she really is a super nut job that needs to go from here to some other ward, perhaps one with a padded cell!!!!

I found yesterday particularly difficult as this patient and another at my table both refused their lunch and supplements this made me feel like a complete failure for sitting their dutifully eating mine and also that I was a complete heffer that clearly did not have a problem. I tried to talk to staff about this and the fact that my urge to vomit had really increased but this was at 1.15pm and at 5.30pm I was still waiting. I was so angry and just felt that I was not worthy of help because I wasn't screaming and shouting and didn't warrant any support and therefore must be fine. A similar situation occurred at dinner with the one refusing to eat all their meal and so the other followed suit and also refused, luckily I had already left the table else I suspect they may have ended up wearing their dinner!!
Frustration and anger came to ahead after snacks when they both went outside and were walking about during sitting time red mist descended and I lost my temper lurched for the door fully intent on punching one if not both of them, luckily by the time I reached the door my tiny rational side stopped me and so I just yelled at them to sit the fuck down because your taking the piss! Granted it was not the most articulate or constructive i could have been but the point was made never the less. I stormed off to my room like a stroppy teenager and fumed quietly till I felt that I had calmed down and able to face the ward again. Evening snacks were no better with one of them refusing that also.

It feels like this patient is trying to be the other it is so weird and scarily unhealthy, while I no and have explained previously that you can pick up on each others habits and anxieties quite easily this is something really quite different. It really feels like she is emulating to be her marking her arms the same way, refusing meals because she is, following her around, picking snacks together and a whole host of other things. Weird that's all I can say!!

So here we go again with yet another day I will try to focus on me and not be effected by those around but this is seriously far far easier said than done.

Up and down!

My mood is really up and down today and it's only 11.30am. When I woke up I felt crappy because I still felt like I'd eaten a brick (last nights dinner was really heavy!) and that I was huge and disgusting, needless to say breakfast was hard. I then has a really good talk with my named nurse which left me feeling slightly better and a bit more positive, I discussed ward round for today and asking them to reconsider my exceptional leave on the seventh to see Rod Gilbert and also plans around Christmas if I can get leave. We had support group which for once was not just thirty minutes of silence. After snacks I had to meet with my local ed nurse again and give her a decision about which service I want to go with, either her and the local service or the neighbouring service. Luckily I have found out that I can access some areas without actually having to see her so I felt ok to go with my local service and who knows all might have changed by the time I leave.

I am now feeling quite low though as I have been waiting and looking forward for a week for a massage with the complimentary therapist who I have just heard is now not going to be in. This will now be the second week I have missed out and that was what was keeping my mood up today so now I feel really annoyed, wound up and angry!! I can't believe that this can make me feel so crap and really drag my mood so low I could scream and cry. It's interesting though that in our anxiety group yesterday we looked at how we deal with disappointment and it's true that I don't deal with it for being just disappointing but instead make it in to a massive issue that i blame myself for and use to reinforce negative thoughts. Instead of just thinking oh that's a shame I actually think typical I new it would go wrong nothing good ever happens to me!! The frustrating thing is knowing your doing it and thinking this way and feeling unable to change.

I saw one of my best friends yesterday who I hadn't seen for some time I was so nervous of what she would think when she saw me and have to admit that I felt devastated when she told me I looked well, luckily I plucked up the courage to ask her what she meant by this as I thought she was telling me I looked far too big to be in a specialist unit, it turned out that she thought I had good colour but was still very very thin. Now while I know she wouldn't lie and I had asked her what she meant rather than just going on my assumptions I still couldn't help but think she was just saying it to stop me flipping out. I really hate that I feel this way. This friend has been going through a really hard time herself and it was really good to talk to someone and see that much of the way i think she is also feeling just without the food issues, now while I do not wish these thoughts and feelings on her it was good to talk to someone who I felt could really identify with many of the thoughts and feelings I was experiencing and i hope that in some small way talking with me may have helped her as well.

Sunday, 18 November 2012


Here we go again another day dawns and the weight is still going, 10 weeks on and still not doing what the dietician and nursing staff assured me it would do and continues to show no sign it will plateau. To be honest I haven't even got the energy to cry today as I only managed to have about an hours sleep and I am so tired I would seriously like to just not bother today.

Weigh day was the primary reason for my lack of sleep but something else was playing on my mind. A mutual friend of Ben and I has recently been going through a tough time personally. She had spent some time with Ben helping him on some of his recent work and has also been amazingly supportive to him and also to me. She has also taken support from Ben and they have helped each other through difficult days.

It was brought to my attention yesterday that a group of their friends had insinuated to Ben that this support was looking like more than that and he should be careful as people were talking. None of these so called friends had bothered to say anything to the friend in question and so Ben took her to one side and told her what had been said. It comes as no surprise that her reaction was anything short of fury at the thought of people talking about them like this especially as several of them had had affairs!!

When Ben told me I felt nothing but sympathy for our friend as rumours like this quickly spread and develop and before you know it her and Ben will be having a full blown affair while his wife rots in hospital!! This sympathy soon turned to anger not at them but at the others. While I can see why they may suspect the situation is more than just that of mutual support what does that really say about them and how they see Ben and our friend and more to the point about my relationship with them.

Ben has been nothing but open about time they have spent together and how he has been supporting her through her difficult time where he can. He has not tried to hide the fact she has on a couple of occasions been to our house. I have to admit I did find it hard to think of her in my home with my husband but not because I thought anything was going on but just because I was jealous she was getting to spend time with Ben in my house when I couldn't. Equally our friend has always been open with her husband so nothing has been kept 'secret'.
Our friend has so much to give and I think it has helped her been able to show this to Ben and I when she is struggling to find an output for this at home. I'm sure their so called friends said what they did with the best of intentions and to advise how others may be reading the situation but I am so frustrated that people feel it necessary to always see more in a situation than is there, finding it acceptable to pass comment on situations they have absolutely no insight in to what so ever.
Imagine I had heard this on a particularly bad day it wouldn't have taken much for a seed of doubt to be sown in my mind and before you know its chocked up with emotional chick weed and paranoia.

Luckily I do trust Ben implicitly and have no doubt that this is anything more than a friendship. I hope they can rise above the ridiculous insinuations of others and do not allow them to destroy their friendship. I hope they remember that the comments of these friends appear to me to be more the words of small minded people projecting there own failings on to others and I trust them completely and hope they can continue to offer support and kindness to each other as and when they can.

Saturday, 17 November 2012

Short staffed!!

I'm so ticked off!! I am constantly told by staff that they are always available to talk to and help me through stuff when I'm struggling. So I am finding things quite hard this morning and am really stressed and finding the urge not to vomit unbearably hard to fight so instead of bottling things up and giving in to the urge I go to the office and ask if anyone is free to have a chat and do some relaxation with me what do I get "err not really were short staffed perhaps we might be ok this afternoon!!" brilliant!! I completely give up so because they can't sort the bloody staffing levels out we as patients are expected to put our needs, feelings and stresses on hold until its a more convenient time.

This has just once again fed my feeling that I'm not really important any more and not really worthy of their time and support. I feel like I must be fine now and ready to go home having gone from constant panic about my health and 24 hour support to bugger all almost over night. So it's back to my original plan of head down get on with it get to a better weight and go home and just try to cope.

That said I would like to say that the staff who were on last night were amazing and actually made me feel like a human instead of an illness. Ben was home yesterday after several weeks away I was sooooo excited to see him although nervous as to how much of a change he would see in me physically. (he couldn't see any, or so he said) His work that has kept him away and ridiculously stressed was finally shown on BBC Children in Need last night so he came in so we could watch it together, great plan until we found out it would be on between 9pm and 9.30pm and visiting finishes at 9pm. I spoke to staff to see if there was any chance he could stay half an hour longer after all it's not everyday your husband has work shown on the BBC. Not only did they say yes but they even allowed us to go in to the day care lounge so we could watch it one the big tv rather than my iPad. It was incredible I was so immensely proud I think I continued to smile about it for several hours after. It has been a hellish project filled with problems, arguments and 24 hour working days but I have to say it was worth it all and the finished piece was superb. What made it all the more perfect was getting to have an hour of relative normality being able to curl up on a sofa with him to watch it, in fact I think that's the longest we have actually sat with each other without me getting up for more food supplies or to sit by myself for years and it was wonderful.

I know this blog is about me but part of me is my love of my husband and I am so proud I want to share his work with you so go to you tube and search for Morcome and Wise hologram and you will be able to see the piece with Chris Moyles and also the making of video with Ben himself.

Well done Ben so proud xx

Friday, 16 November 2012

Relatively calm

The overly vocal patient has gone, discharged herself yesterday and alarms hardly went off so for a  few hours at least the unit regained some of its quiet and calm, even if just on the exterior. The only problem with this is that it gives you more time to think about yourself rather than having an excuse of using others as a distraction.

My thoughts haven't really changed much since yesterday I still feel like I've resolved myself to the thought that I will never be able to have a normal relationship with food or weight and that I will never be free of the time consuming fixation I have on certain areas of my body and how much I detest them.

The only high light of my today is that Ben is finally coming home after two weeks away. I am so excited and I can't wait to see him however at the same time I am so scared that he will see huge changes to my shape the thought of which is just terrifying me.

We had an interesting session on body image yesterday looking at what we thought we're healthy and unhealthy body images. I think that everyone has parts of their body they are dissatisfied with but I think it's a sliding scale on that level of dissatisfaction as to how it effects you and your desire to Change it. Ultimately body image is not really about how you actually look but how you think and feel and how that can influence your thinking about how you look. It's so easy to become fixated on issues such as my stomach is too big and the more you fixate on it the worse it becomes and the bigger it looks, it may not have changed at all but because you are focused on it the worse your feelings become about that area and the more you see it negatively.

This can be true in other areas of life so maybe you feel that your not good at your job so you fixate on how you can improve but the more you stress and worry about changing the more negative feelings you will experience this will just escalate the problem more and more.

So despite the fact that I am utterly repulsed by my body I am challenging myself each day to try to look at it differently, to not focus on the fact that I no longer have the gap where my underwear fits over my hip bones which I see as the only way it should look. Looking at what I see as a now huge, rounded sticking out stomach and trying to see if I can possibly see it flat like others are telling me it is and if there is any way I might be able to see it as ok and think that I might be able to live with it in a new shape. So far I have not been able to but I will keep trying.

Wednesday, 14 November 2012

Let down

I feel completely cast adrift and let down. Ward round did not go well for me yesterday first and foremost they have said no to my exceptional leave on the 7th December to see Rod Gilbert's live show which Ben brought me the tickets for my birthday. Despite the fact that this is still a few weeks away. However when I asked if Ben was ok to take me to my dentist appointment on the 12th December a mere five days later the doctor said well you will probably be stronger and qbetter physically so that should be ok we will just have to speak to him. I pointed out to him what difference does that five days make but as always this was just brushed aside.

They have taken me off level three observations despite the assurance the other day that this would not happen so soon after bed rest ended in order to continue with the intensive support. Their solution to stop my urge to vomit was to put me on double sitting time which would mean sitting in the lounge for two hours after all meals and one hour after snacks. I told them they may as well have left me on bed rest as this would not be helpful and actually feel more of a punishment because I would be unable to use much of the distraction tools I use ie iPad, course work, speaking to family and friends as none of these items can be used in the lounge. When I told them this the doctor asked if I could guarantee not to vomit which of course I couldn't as there have been times on level three that I have not managed to resist the urge. The doctor said that I sounded like this is what I do and I can't change, err durhhh!! that's exactly how I feel but surely that's why I'm here!! Anyway I'm not doing it. The team were going to have another discussion when they had seen me and would come back to me surprise surprise they didn't and all that was handed over was that I was no longer on obs.

I feel like they went in to ward round and thought we can't have this many obs because we haven't got enough staff so because others are kicking off and I'm quite quiet and trying to comply that they just thought oh stick her in the lounge for longer and then we will no where she is so don't need to worry about her. The whole thing has made me feel like there is nothing wrong with me any more so I must be well and as big as I think I look so can go home after all I have gone from them panicking I'm going to die and constantly telling me how ill I am to someone just sticking their head in my door every hour not speaking and going again!!!!

No one bothered to tell me how the weigh day process went when your not on bed rest so had to work that out for myself. As always the weight is still going on! I think I have just resolved myself to the fact that I will reach my target weight on this tiny diet, not have the help to maintain, go home and then because I won't be able to eat relatively normal amounts will just slip straight back to old ways. I tried to discus with the doctor the plan for maintaining at a particular weight even if it was just until I decided if I was able to go further but all I get is we'll look at it when you get there. I tried to explain that my fears were that I would reach that point still not eating normal size meals and quite frankly his response really offended me I was told what i hear is that your scared, anorexic and putting on weight!! Thanks, just because some of my thoughts and feeling are anorexic they are still my feelings and should be no less valued that those without a problem.

To add to my stress they have taken it upon themselves that my epilepsy drugs should be reviewed and probably stopped because I haven't had a fit in about ten years (touch wood) so probably don't need them anymore. Why they feel they need to get involved with this is beyond me after all it has nothing to do with my eating problems. I am really not happy at this intrusion in to areas I feel they have no need to be involved in.

I am thinking I may as well go home and try to manage after all there would be more support there than I am getting here. I have promised not to make any rash decisions and to think things through. Until that point I will just keep my head down and my mouth shut as I have lost all the limited trust I had in staff and their care completely.

The madhouse!!!

I am so sick of being stuck in this nut house!! The ward is just a nightmare at the moment and is a really stressful environment. We have several patients on level three observations, this is when a nurse is constantly with a patient, and we also have a patient on two to one, so two nurses to one patient. We also had a new patient who came in at the weekend who is vocal to say the least!

For the last few days we have had alarms going off constantly because of various patients kicking off, and for once it's not been me. In actual fact I have just wanted to desperately separate myself from it all and not get involved.

It feels at the moment like several patients are trying to compete with who can get the most attention and quite frankly it is doing my head in staff are stretched and we are having to rely on a lot of bank staff. The regular staff are doing their best but it does feel like certain patients are taking advantage of bank staff to get away with stuff which is making it really hard on the patients who are desperately trying to focus on recovery.

I know I have complained in the past about bank staff but I do have to admit on the whole for the last couple of weeks they have been quite good and a few have done several shifts and have made a real effort with the patients.

There does feel that there are some really unhealthy relationships forming in here between patients while I think it is good to support each other I think at times it's crossing a line in to an unhealthy interest and intrusion in others care. When I go in to the dining room I really just need to focus on getting through my meal and don't really want to chat. One particular patient is very chatty which is fine as I don't need to respond but it really stressed me out when I was upset and staff were with me that she was constantly trying to tell me it's all ok things will be fine your doing it for Ben etc etc... it just felt like she was trying to nurse me and talking about stuff she really didn't know about. Then at lunch today I got really stressed because my meal seemed far bigger than the last time I had it so I questioned the portion size with staff but then this patient started commenting on the size and it made it so hard because I felt like she was watching me and what I was eating instead of just concentrating on what she needed to do.

Her and another patient are also selecting snack choices together and it just feels like everything is a competition which feeds my anorexia as it makes me feel like I need to kick off just to prove that I'm struggling and am just as ill and I really don't want to feel that way as the rational part of me knows that I don't need to play up for people to see that things are hard and get their help but the irrational part feels like I should. It's like those of us not constantly screaming and shouting are being sidelined and not receiving the one to one time needed with the qualified staff and only having bank staff to speak to who although are ok to chat with are not qualified to address fears and issues.

At least today I got an hour and a half away from it when my mom came in and we made some Christmas cards it didn't stop me feeling hideous but at least it occupied my fingers for a while to stop me pulling at the flesh of my stomach just trying to get rid of the flab!! It was also good to have some time with her that didn't involve too much talk about food or being huge.

I am hoping that the complimentary therapist will see me this afternoon as apparently she came to see me this morning when I was with my mom but I am looking forward to a back massage to help with my pain at least even if it doesn't manage to relax me. Fingers crossed she will come back.

Anyway snacks won't be too long now so will get ready and see how crap that can make me feel!!

Tuesday, 13 November 2012

No more

Woke this morning hoping to feel much better after yesterday but I don't. I finally got took off bed rest after nine long weeks after the initial jump for joy a ton of other feelings soon came flooding in. I feel if I don't need to be on bed rest then I must be absolutely fine now not Ill and ready to be sent home this isn't helped by the fact I feel so disgustingly huge and detest being me.

I wish I could step out of my body for a few minutes and have a look at myself without anorexic goggles on and see how others see me but I can't and so all I'm left with is the constant terror and out of control feeling.

I spoke to the doctor this morning and was trying to get her to understand why I feel like I want to go home that my fear is that the weight isn't going to stop despite what they keep telling me as all the evidence so far just supports what I think and not what they are saying. I fear that I will never be able to eat normally again and so may as well just leave and go back to how I was at least then I felt in control and not completely day in day out disgusted by my body.
I have tried to get the doctor to agree to discus in ward round a plan of action so I know that when I get to my target weight if I'm still on this tiny diet and still gaining that there will be something they can do. I know they keep saying it won't be the case but I don't believe them and need to know that something will be in place for that eventuality otherwise I may as well just give up now!

I really can't pick myself up my mood is at an all time low and everything feels hopeless I honestly feel that it would be better if I could go to sleep and not wake up. I'm sorry if this is hard for people to hear and it's not said to hurt or upset people it's just about me being honest. It feels like if I will never be able to maintain at a weight I am relatively comfortable with and is healthier then I may as well not put myself through all this agony and just give up. It seems ridiculous if I can't be guaranteed of help to maintain then I will just end up loosing weight again and the vicious cycle will start again and quite frankly I can't deal with that prospect and I'm certain that neither will Ben or my family.

Have just had a good talk with the nurse and have gone over my ward round form it has helped a little as at least I felt like he had listened to my concerns and helped me get it down on paper in a relatively constructive and succinct way. He has asked for the team to review a plan for when I get to the weight I don't think I will want to go above as a starting point and in return I have agreed to see how I feel when i reach that point rather than just say now that there is no way I will go above that it seems a good compromise as in fairness I don't know how I will feel. I can only go on previous experience but that is experience from 11 years ago which is the last time I weighed that much. He also made me see that it is ok not to trust them as its honest and means that I am facing feelings rather than pretending there not there and it doesn't make me a bad person.

I think I will bop off now as I imagine i have depressed you all enough for one day but I will share something that the nurse has just said that I hope will turn out to be true "those who feel and acknowledge the pain are the ones that will recover"

Sunday, 11 November 2012

Want to go back

Nice to see that yet again I was right not to get my hopes up over the final plateauing of my weight as predicted it went up in a large jump yet again. To make my utter despair worse my weight has now gone from the 20's to the 30's (kg) it has not been this high in years and I completely hate it and myself for allowing it to happen.

All I want to see is for it to plateau so I know my body is finally ready to accept more, I know it sounds strange to be in an ed unit and getting upset over a tiny diet but I am. I feel at the moment that my weight is going to continue to increase to the point I reach my target weight and I will still be on the same diet as I was on seven weeks ago and will then need to reduce it to try to stop it increasing further.

What makes it worse is that the dietician said weeks ago that the diet I was on wasn't adequate to really make me gain much weight, so how is it I have only had one increase (adding around 200 calories) in nine weeks and I have put on over a stone and it's still going!!

Each meal I eat looks huge but I know realistically if someone without an ed were to be given it they would be shocked and ask where the rest of the meal was but this is making me feel even more like I will never eat normally again. Now I know I haven't really eaten normally for years and I accept eating what ever you want as long as you can vomit is not normal but the way I feel is that I would prefer to go back to that than deal with the prospect of never eating the foods I love ever again without this continued weight gain.

I really want to give in tell the staff to stick treatment where the sun doesn't shine as up to yet they have been wrong and I am terrified that I am going to be the exception to the rule (more than I have already) and the weight really isn't going to stop. I want to go home so I can once again be comfortable in my skin and feel like I have a semblance of control over my own body deluded or not this is what I want.

Short of refusing to eat I don't know how to deal with this as I don't trust the dietician or staff as up to yet its me that's been correct about my weight and it feels like they are just saying it will stop in order to placate me. Well I'm sorry but it isn't working. My head is screaming and I want to rip at my skin to try to get rid of the disgusting fat covering my stomach, bum and thighs!

Quite frankly I am repulsed by my body and feel weak at my inability to stop the weight and feel like I am spiralling out of control, set for a melt down on a global scale and god help those around when I do.


Well I have picked up my iPad so this is deffinately progress on yesterday which I spent asleep for 90% of the day suffering with a migraine. I was only awake yesterday for meals and snacks and slept the rest of the time until my dad came. Luckily today although I still have a headache it is better than it was. Despite feeling physically Ill and having a reason to sleep my head screamed at me that I was such a fat lazy slob for sleeping and not sticking to what I had planned to do ie my course work. It feels like everything I ate yesterday has just been turned in to fat fat fat. I feel like the entire day was a failure on my part that I gave in and slept rather than fighting through and doing work, if I had been at home I would have made myself go to work no matter how unwell I felt and so I am struggling to accept that in here should be any different.

However in here is different after all it isn't home its a hospital. On the flip side though I think I found it particularly hard because here is effectively home, a crap home mind you, and so it felt no different for me not to push through the pain and carry on so felt like I had failed by giving in.

I think because you are here for such a long period of time you make your environment as homely as you possibly can so I have photos, pictures, books, my laptop, and other homely items, I don't think it would be possible to survive in here without these home comforts. On the other hand because it doesn't feel like a hospital and because I don't feel Ill it's hard not to feel like you should continue in the way you always have. I suppose it's about weighing up the feeling of being in hospital and this also being your temporary home. Life continues in here and continues on the outside it's just in here it feels like its moving at half speed and that outside its moving at double speed often leaving me feeling like I will be forever playing catch up.

What I find hard to accept is that I will never truly catch up I will just at some point rejoin the real world and it will carry on, I will never be able to claw back the years I have wasted giving in to this illness never have that time again to do things differently.

A nurse asked me this week how my life would look now if I had never had this illness and I was devastated to think about it as in truth it has now been so long I couldn't think of a life without this not having any real idea what I would have done and the person I would have become. I became so angry at the thought but more at the reality that I will never know who or what I would have been because I can't turn back the clock so all I can do is go forward but I am terrified that I will never be free from the grasps of the illness and therefore never really know who the real me is or what a real life is like. What's more frightening though is if I do find these things and discover that I don't like who and what I have become what if other people no longer like me it's the dreaded fear of the unknown. I think that's part of the way this illness keeps you stuck tricking you that the unknown is always something to fear rather than embrace and look forward to even if with some intrepidation making you feel like you should stay the same in order to feel safe and secure rather than vulnerable and scared.

While the unknown I think will always remain fearful to me rather than exciting it's taking a chance that the outcome might be better than the present and thinking in truth with my current situation could it really be any worse. A nurse made a very good point the other day while she stressed she was not advocating it she did say that if I got to the other end or at least as close to it as I could reaching a healthier weight and lifestyle and did find that I hated it as much as I think I will I could always come back to how I am now after all no one knows how to loose weight better than an anorexic! I suppose her point is that it's shit now and it might be shit the other end but at least if I get to the other end I have given myself the chance to see how I feel about it rather than just giving in to the fear and staying where I am.

So here goes another day and while I will continue to try to embrace the unknown weigh day is looming and I am dreading it. Maybe one day I will be able to embrace the unknown, greet weigh day without fear see the weight go up and feel glad rather than utter despair.

Friday, 9 November 2012


Feeling quite low today, didn't sleep too well again and when I was asleep I was dreaming about being here and the staff, I think that probably equates to a nightmare! Looked in the mirror and my stomach is looking so big I could sob I feel completely disgusting and lazy my bum looks flabby and my thighs are just chunky.

Doesn't help feeling so helpless, Ben is really stressed work wise and it's really getting him down it's so hard when I don't really know what to say to help and I can't even give him a hug. He isn't able to come home this weekend so that will be hard not just for me but I imagine for him as well although I hope he is not worrying too much about me and just concentrating on himself and the job in hand.

Yesterday was hard I was unbelievably tired all day and really struggled to keep my eyes open it really was just a constant battle. I am not wanting to sleep because I feel guilty and lazy and like I should be doing my course work not lazing about like a slob. The staff and even the other patients have said if your tired you should rest and then when you do feel like working it will be more productive, I wish I could think like this but it just feels so lazy to be sleeping in the day but yesterday I just couldn't stay awake.

A couple of my close friends came to visit last night which did make the end of the day more bearable as its a flash of normality catching up on the gossip and having some real girlie time. I have wonderful friends who I would not have come so far without their constant love, care, support and humour. I only hope one day I will be able to do for them what they do for me, to have the ability to be a proper friend who can give as well as take.

Not really much goes on now till Monday in terms of groups and quite a few people are going on weekend leave today not returning till Sunday night. Its so hard to watch people go home and hear how their going to spend time shopping, seeing friends and family or even just getting to sleep in their own bed while at the same time being really pleased for them. My weekend will be quiet and ultimately I will just be waiting for weigh day on Monday and dreading it. I think I will try to get some work done been as though there are no groups and the unit will be quiet. Mom is going to the craft fair on Saturday but thankfully my dad has said he will come over on the train I am so glad as it's good to spend some time together on our own (it's also a good opportunity for me to kick his bum at scrabble!!) mom will come over later, they will get some food and then come back till 9pm so at least my afternoon will be better.

It's hard to imagine how I would ever get through some days in here without friends and family to offer love and support and even at times allowing themselves to be my punch bag. At times like this you really get to see who your true friends are and it still shocks me each day how much they will stand by you even when you can offer little or nothing in return. I wish to these people and I hope they know who they are that I could give them something to show them how much they mean to me, how truly sorry I am for putting them through this and how I hope above hope that one day things will change and I can be the friend to them they so rightly deserve to have.

Thursday, 8 November 2012

Negative thinking

Weight maintained this morning which I admit was a massive relief or at least it was for about two minutes before starting to panic about Monday's weigh in. I don't want to be lead in to a false sense of security as for the last two weeks I have either lost or put on a small amount on the Thursday and allowed myself to think that it might finally be stopping and plateauing only for the Monday to arrive and see it jump up a lot which has caused a melt down on both occasions. That is why I am now terrified to dream that it might finally be stopping as I can't cope with another melt down, although I know there will be many more to come.

I had a visit yesterday from a very close friend which I was both looking forward to and dreading at the same time, I hadn't seen him in three weeks and was terrified he would be able to see how much bigger I had got. He of course said that there was nothing of me I just wish I could believe him. This got me thinking why dread these things so much if you won't believe them anyway. It all comes down to our, and by our I don't necessarily mean people with eating disorders but infact I imagine a large proportion of the population, inability to accept compliments or not see the negatives over the positives I guess with this illness it's just heightened.

Ask yourself how many times if someone has given you a compliment be it over appearance or an achievement have you found yourself saying "oh no its not that good" "no I don't look that nice" "it's only an old dress/top etc" anyway you get the point. I am beginning to question why we tend to react in this way because if we're honest sometimes you might agree with the compliment but more often than not will still revert to type and not accept it. The reason for this is because it is, or at least for me, far easier to believe the negative so they don't really mean it, saying it to be kind, don't know how to tell me the truth rather than to just accept it say thank you and move on.

In my case I find it hard to believe any sort of positive reinforcement as anything other than a false platitude because I have so much self hate and low (well almost non existent) self esteem and confidence so struggle to believe that anyone could ever see anything positive about me or my actions. Negative thoughts are just easier to deal with for me because to see any positives evokes the feeling that people will think in arrogant, rude or big headed.

I have been learning that it is important to really challenge your negative thinking to ask yourself why you are thinking in this way. For example one of my fixed responses if someone is upset is to automatically think its my fault and to apologise however this is just one of my Core beliefs that I am constantly responsible for other peoples feelings, this is extremely negative and often really not the case. For example if someone is upset because they have cracked a tooth how can I be responsible, but believe me I will find a way!
I am really working on my core beliefs and trying to stop myself and question why do I think these things, what evidence have I got that the way I am thinking is correct. I am shocked at how draining it is to constantly keep trying to challenge the thoughts and question each negative response but I hope that with enough practise it will start to become easier and my fixed thinking and beliefs will become easier to challenge.

Anyway I have rambled on a bit today but I just wanted to share with you some advice that a very very special friend shared with me, unbeknown to me she has been having a very tough time lately and has been seeking some external help to deal with some issues and the one thing that she has really found helpful is each day when you wake tell yourself today is going to be a good day. Hopefully if you can start the day like this rather than thinking today will be just as crap as yesterday we have at least started with the thought that there is at least a possibility it might be a good day.

So to each and all have a good day and try to see some positives and challenge the negatives.

Wednesday, 7 November 2012


I feel I need to explain a few things as I'm worried people may have the wrong idea about things I have said about Ben and our relationship. First and foremost I trust Ben completely and the jealousy I spoke of yesterday was more about how I was feeling about how I have let him down as a wife and my concerns that he has not had the love and experiences he should have been having with me. I'm not worried that he will stray but more that eventually I will push him too far after all there is only so much one person can take, and to be honest Ben has already taken a life times worth of crap from me.

It may have come across in precious blogs like Ben does very little in terms of house work and therefore not been shown in a very good light. I would like to say that although I did do the majority of the cooking and cleaning this was my choice and he did offer. I can see that my perfectionist traits and desperate search for some level of control prevented me in allowing him to take over jobs I thought I should be doing as I wanted them done to my standards, which of course were impossible for me to meet let alone Ben. I'm so sorry to him because I can now see that I will more than likely have had a negative effect on his own self esteem by criticising things he did that in my eyes were wrong or not good enough. There were times he would Hoover the lounge and instead of me saying thank you and being grateful I would pick fault and accuse him of not doing a proper job. Equally I would get annoyed when I got home from work if he hadn't tidied the lounge or left washing up in the kitchen as in my eyes when he is home all day there is no excuse for it not to have been done. On evaluation maybe I should have been more accepting that although he was home he had still been working hard and I would imagine he got to the point when he didn't see the point of trying to do things if all I was going to do was criticise him anyway at least this way I could only moan that it hadn't been done and not for him to feel like he had done it and I was still not satisfied.

A friend of mine recently spoke about some marriage counselling she and her husband had regarding ways in which to avoid arguments that they were constantly experiencing. She spoke about how it was important to think about what sparked the arguments and if they were things either partner did that irritated them to think rationally about them before just reacting, spending a few moments to think would it be easier to just do the job in question and not make it in to an issue worth arguing about, was it really that terrible. I think this is a valid point and there will always be things that either partner does that will irritate the hell out of you it's just deciding how you deal with these irritations. Ben will leave half drunk cups of coffee for days on end around his office as well as dishes of half eaten cereal which are left till the milk has set and begun to smell, I will ask him continuously to bring them down and wash them as often I will go to make a drink and discover we have no cups. This behaviour irritates me intensely and despite my constant requests not to do it he continues to do so this undoubtedly causing an argument. I will end up just washing them when what I should really do is try to rise above it keep a cup on one side that is just for me and wait in the hope that eventually he will realise he has no more cups and therefore wash them himself. Until now i have found this impossible but when i leave the unit I will try have the patience to do this. I suppose some of it could come back to him thinking well even if I do it it won't be good enough anyway so why bother. Either that or he is just lazy!!

I guess what I'm trying to get across is that people's relationships are never simple and I am beginning to realise how much of an impact my illness has had not only on me, my eating,self confidence, self worth and my life but the massive effect it has had on Ben in all these areas and of course also my family and friends. I am deeply sorry for this and wish I could promise I could change and make it better over night but this illness didn't get me here over night so I should stop expecting it to go away that quickly.

Tuesday, 6 November 2012


I am so tired today both physically and mentally thinking has never felt so exhausting. I feel like I could sleep for days and still feel drained. I don't want to sleep though because I feel lazy and useless, I haven't done much of my course work over the last few days and feel guilty for not spending more time on this and sleeping instead. I am struggling with feeling guilty for not fighting the tiredness and working i feel like sleeping is a failure. I have anxiety management group at 2pm today so may try to get some work done after that but the groups sometimes leave me so tired and I don't know why after all were only sitting down. I know sometimes you get more tired when you don't do much but before admission I was working full time 9-6 and then continued with cooking and house work when I got home and didn't feel half as tired as I do now and I have been doing practically nothing for 8 weeks.

We discussed in support group about feelings around when we leave and how we cope with fitting back in, this is something I worry about all the time it is really hard to think of everyone else's life going on while yours is on pause and thinking will there be a place for me when I leave or will the gap I left have been filled and I won't have a purpose anymore and no longer needed. I guess it's accepting that the gap you leave has to be filled and that things will have changed the purpose you once had will have changed as will you after all that's the point of being here. If there is no change then there is no point really putting yourself through this painful recovery process. It's easy to say this but not easy to accept.

I have to admit to feeling terrified, jealous and sad earlier when Ben told me he was off to see a show in London tonight with another woman. I don't know her as it is one of his friends from old and although I am pleased he is taking some time out from his stressful week to have some quality time doing something he enjoys completely un related to work I can't help but acknowledge the pangs of jealousy and fear. Not necessarily jealous of the act of going to a show more that he is experiencing it with someone else giving him yet more of an idea on what he has missed out on being stuck with me and this illness. Jealous also of her because she is able to do things I can't and haven't done for so long and sharing experiences with my husband that we should be experiencing together. While I trust him implicitly I can't help but worry he will find if not in her but someone all the things he doesn't get from me and move on. It all comes down to negative thoughts and thinking that I am useless, worthless and don't really deserve him anyway so why shouldn't he find someone else. I know these thoughts are not helpful and really need to be challenged but at the moment I don't feel able and don't know if I ever will.

Monday, 5 November 2012

Please stop!

Here we go again as I predicted my weight went up quite a lot again this morning I really can't take much more. I can't get my head round the fact I have now put on a stone since I got here with only one increase and still it's going up and still showing no sign that it will plateau. I feel like it is completely out of control and like I'm some sort of medical freak. I asked the dietician when it will stop but she can't say but they do admit they have not known for weight to continue to go up for this long without a change of diet which has really made me think that I will be the medical mystery whose weight will just keep going up and up.

I feel absolutely huge and can't believe anyone when they tell me that I look the same as I did when I came in and the only thing that has changed is the colour of my skin and that it's not pulled so tight it looks like it might rip!

The dietician said it might be worth putting something else in my diet anyway as she thinks possibly because my diet is quite low my body may still be holding on to everything and if we increase it it might start to burn more, I just can't think about this until I see that it will stop otherwise I will never believe them.

Day has gone from bad to worse I hadn't picked my 3.15 pm snack as mom had come in I had gone straight to my room after lunch which is when I usually fill it in we then didn't come out of the group till 3pm and then I was back on bed rest. I decided to have my 10 minutes outside but then they called snacks and I realised I hadn't been asked what I was having so thought maybe I had written it down in the morning and forgot I'd done it, WRONG they had chosen for me! This did not go down well as they had selected a Twirl which I really don't like as the claggy feeling they give you in the mouth makes me gag. I asked to see the nurse in charge to say I had not been given a chance to pick but was told several people had not picked either so they chose for us! To be honest it was only after dinner that one of the other patients said that because of being on bed rest they should have brought the list to me to pick. In the end when no one came i made myself eat some of it but i only managed half because it made me feel sick but I figured it was better to have some rather than nothing. To say I'm pissed of would be understatement of the decade!!

Dinner was then huge, we had French bread pizza and I'm sure last time I had one piece but this time I had two so cue yet more tears.

The crapness of the day has been compounded by the fact that today is my dads birthday and I haven't been able to see him or celebrate with him so feel like I have let him down, again!

Now just when I thought I had no more tears to cry I have just spoken to Ben who has had a really traumatic and stressful meeting and feels like crap and was in need of a hug. I wish so much that I could be there for him, I feel like my words are meaningless and that i can't say anything to help him feel better, I guess this is how he feels about me much of the time.

So that takes me to now and all I can think is please god let this day be over but to be honest tomorrow will then be here in a flash and I will undoubtably feel just as crap, fat and useless. There is a new patient coming in tomorrow which I am dreading as it will just be someone else that I will be twice as big as. When oh when will this whole thing stop!!

Sunday, 4 November 2012

Not much to say!

As the title may indicate today I don't really have much to say because all that is in my head is how hideous, repulsive, huge, selfish I feel and that I am such a disappointment. I feel like I'm drowning in overwhelming negativity and self loathing and I haven't learnt to tread water.
I'm already in panic mode about weigh day tomorrow and also because tonight I am starting to have 9.45pm snack in the dining room which I am dreading because of looking twice the size of the other patients.

I'm not going to ramble on as it's driving me crazy today so can't imagine what it's like to read the same thing over and over again, but hey that's what's it's like in my head and I said I would always be truthful and this illness is 99% of the time the same repetitive crap day in day out!!

Saturday, 3 November 2012

Same old!

I wish I had woken up today feeling much better than yesterday unfortunately I haven't I still feel completely hideous and massive. The nurse on my observation this morning wouldn't let me look at myself in the mirror to body check as she said it would make things worse. In actual fact by not letting me do it that has made me worse because I need to see how bad i look especially my stomach first thing but now I have had breakfast it's even worse and because I didn't really see it this morning it's all now too much and all I want to do is get rid of my food and I don't think I have strength today to fight the urge.

The only saving grace for today is that after a week apart I finally get to see Ben and I can't wait. He has had a manic week so not even managed to talk to him for that long so I am really looking forward to seeing him, I have to admit to also being nervous as I think he will be able to see how much I have changed and how much bigger I have got. Hoping the weather stays dry so we can have 10 minutes outside together in relative privacy. Mom and dad will come later on this afternoon as well which will be good as they go for a meal at the local pub and then come back in the evening so it fills my day quite well.

Decided to try doing some cross stitch after breakfast to act as a distraction method, hmm I think it's meant to be relaxing not sure that's the case for me as after doing three rows I had to undo part and quite frankly was ready to chuck the ruddy thing across the room! Maybe I'll try it when I'm a little calmer and not so stressed, think maybe i'll go back to reading.

Despite me not feeling great yesterday I did manage to do some prompt cards which I have given to dad to laminate so they don't get wrecked in the bathroom. I hope they work but today I don't feel too hopeful.

Don't really have much else to say today as all I can really think about is how huge I look and feel and am finding it hard to think about anything other than that maybe I will have more to say tomorrow.

Friday, 2 November 2012

Mood swings

I can't believe how quickly my mood can change not only day by day but seemingly by the minute. I can go from relatively positive to completely negative, from calm to raging, and happy(ish) to uncontrollable sadness all within a few minutes. This instability is exhausting and much of the time quite overwhelming especially when much of the time I don't know how to deal with emotions, particularly the negative ones.

Yesterday felt quite positive like I was thinking better about the future and how I could make positive steps in challenging myself, thoughts, feelings and how to take steps to stop compensatory methods in order to deal with emotions and to find other ways to manage them. Today however I have woken up feeling like yesterday was nothing but a pipe dream and that I am kidding myself that things can ever change or that I will ever be free of this illness and will only ever be able to exist if I can use compensatory behaviour. I feel completely deflated and useless like all I have done is let people down especially my family.
I have had on three different outfits so far and can't stand to wear any of then because I look huge in everything. I really wanted to wear my jeans and a grey chunky knitted jumper but when I put them on the jeans are now too tight and all it showed was my stomach sticking out my bum looking huge and how big my thighs have got. I asked the nurse if she thought my stomach was sticking out and she said no its just the material in other words yes you look like its sticking out!

The unit in a whole is quite subdued today I think because most of the other patients are waiting to go on leave some today and some over Saturday and Sunday. Me however I'm stuck here no leave and quite frankly today feeling like all I am want to do is die!

I am particularly struggling with the arrival of a new patient she is tiny and looks like she might snap, she isn't on bed rest but I can clearly see I am twice the size of her I just try to avoid being next her so no one can see how big I am. I am also finding her intensely irritating, she jabbers on insessantly like a chattering monkey and so far she has been late to most meals which is not an issue for those patients on the unsupervised tables but for me on supervised it means we can't start till she arrives. This morning alone that left me sitting in the dining room for 10 minutes waiting getting more and more anxious especially as we only have a certain amount of time to eat.
She also got up mid breakfast and started scrutinising the cereal box information and then proceeded to get the peanut butter and discuss the label, I know we all have issues but seriously does she really need to do this at the table when others are desperately trying to get away from this negative behaviour. She has also been told about sitting time several times and still continues to make excuses to get up and wander round, if she doesn't pack it in I'm going to tie lead weights to her feet!!

We have just had patient support group, this is a group we have each morning at 9.30am for half an hour and to say its excruciating would be an understatement. It's a patient led thing where we can discuss issues or share problems and gain support unfortunately no one really speaks so it ends up being half an hour of an uncomfortable silence that almost always ends up raising anxiety levels.
I found today particularly difficult as all I could think was that everyone was looking at me and thinking how big and ugly I am.

Have also had weekend support group which is when people share what their plans,challenges and fears are for the weekend particularly for those going on leave. It was good to hear what people are doing but just made me feel even crapper that I'm stuck her missing Ben, my family, friends, Mr George and my home.

Was going to have a go at doing some prompt cards to put up on the bathroom door and on the wall near the toilet and sink just to try to stop me in my tracks before vomiting and make me stop and think rather than just reacting however today I can't think of anything useful to put as today I just feel like its all just pointless.

Thursday, 1 November 2012


I just had the feeling I imagine people get when being released from prison. For the first time in almost two months I have been allowed outside to sit in the court yard for 10 minutes. Air has never felt so good the cool breeze on my skin and the clean fresh smell so crisp and clear in a word amazing. Who would have thought so much pleasure could be got from an activity others do each day without thinking. After two months though I felt a real sense of freedom and of calmness and clarity.

This is a very welcome feeling today being weigh day, my weight did increase slightly but since my melt down on Monday I'm afraid to say on a couple of occasions I have vomited due to my sheer panic that because I had stopped that's why my weight jumped Monday and panic over what it would now be if I hadn't been doing it at all. So now I'm back to square one or that's how it feels, I'm already dreading Monday incase it jumps up again if I don't use compensatory behaviour between now and then.
However my aim which I have talked about with my named nurse and the dietician this morning was to find ways in which I can look at stopping this behaviour and challenging my thoughts. I am going to try writing down every time I get the urge and also tell the staff member I'm with. Hopefully if I can do this I will be able to see if there is any sort of pattern or if it gets worse after any particular meal or event and then find ways to challenge it and find other ways to deal with the feelings and emotions triggering the reaction. I guess it's also important to try to remember that this is a behaviour I have used for 11 years and therefore can't expect it to go away in five minutes. My biggest fear is that I won't ever be able to stop as if I can't do it in here how on earth will I manage in the real world.

On a different note the ed nurse came to see me yesterday and to be honest my opinion of her hasn't changed, she did however advise me that I should be able to get funding to go on to the day care programme when I leave the inpatient unit if that's how I want to go forward. Also as the local team currently have no dietician that should also be funded for me to continue to see the dietician here. She has given me the option to see another ed nurse from the neighbouring team if i don't want to see her but would have to travel to them and I won't be able to meet her unless I choose to go with them as my care provider, this seems completely backwards to me how do I pick care from someone I have never even met? Well either way I have three weeks to decide. Im not entirely sure how when I can't even see how I'm going to get through the next day let alone think about how I'm going to feel and what care I will want/need in several months.