I am finally having some freedom today!! Ok so it's only to go over the road to the main hospital for a heart echo but still I will finally get to see that a world still exists outside of this unit. Now while I am looking forward to a break I am so anxious about going its ridiculous. I am so worried that people will be looking at me and thinking how big I am and that I look really out of proportion body wise. People have tried to reassure me that this will most definitely not be the case but I can't shake off the anxiety. I tried my jeans on yesterday ready for today and was so freaked out by how tight they felt, I certainly no longer need a belt to hold them up. My mom has said that they still look baggy but I can see how tight they look and how big my bum looks in them. I have tried to convince myself that they feel tighter because I have been wearing really baggy joggers for the last twelve weeks but it's not working.
I had a shocking nights sleep worrying about it I couldn't get to sleep and then when I did i kept dreaming really random dreams and waking up. So now I am so tired I am struggling to keep my eyes open. Just fell asleep while still typing so had a quick read to see if anything I had written made sense or was the ramblings of a sleep deprived person. It was only by doing this that I have realised the craziness of this illness I am so concerned about being seen and people judging me that I haven't even considered getting anxious over the reason I'm going for the echo.
I have to go because i have had several abnormal readings from my ECG's and one of the readings indicate the possibility that part of my heart is dead!! Now while the guy that does the ECG's doubts this to be the case there are still several abnormal readings and so you would think I should be more concerned about the results and the implications they may have for me long term. It is fact that when you don't take in enough food your body will break down muscle for energy so effectively your body starts to eat itself! One of the biggest muscles is the heart and so often gets damaged a consequence of anorexia and bulimia. Worst of all I have given my heart a double whammy as it will have been not only damaged by being at such a low weight but years of vomiting will have put a massive strain on it.
Sad truth is the reason I haven't really thought about the actual test is because I don't really think anything will be wrong, I'm not sure if this is because I still don't think that physically I am or have been ill or that I don't really care. After all if there is something wrong it's my own fault so i cant really complain or worry about it.