So the day has finally arrived! I have waited three months for an evening away from the ward to see Rod Gilbert and what was the final decision on leave from the team..... Yes that's right NO!!
Despite this I have decided that I am going anyway the team have basically said that while they can't give me formal leave as it is clinically not a safe course of action they have given me assurance they will not section me on the proviso that I come back after and that I am fully aware it is against medical advice and basically if I drop dead Ben can't sue them!
So all agreed I will be leaving tonight with Ben around 6.30ish, am I excited? Err I think terrified would be a far better analysis of how I actually feel. It's crazy I have been looking forward to this moment for months and now it's here I feel sick at the thought of going.
I can't wait to spend some quality time with Ben but the anxiety around it is crippling to the point that it makes me not want to go. I am terrified that people will look at me and think how out of proportion my body looks and how big I am. It will be the first time in over 11 years I will have eaten a meal and gone out without having vomited to make myself feel thin enough to go. Not only will I have just eaten when we leave but I will also have to change in to tighter clothes after eating and I am dreading this.
I am really nervous even about being around so many people as I have spent three months in a safe, and small environment the thought of lots of people is quite daunting.
An added anxiety was finding out that one of my work colleagues who works at the venue part time will be working there tonight. I am so scared that he will see me and think that I have got lots bigger and look well and therefore will not understand why I'm still here and not back at work.
Ben has tried his best to reassure me but I feel like I have really upset him because I can't believe what he says about my size, it's not that I don't trust him I just can't comprehend that because I have physical proof I am bigger (no longer needing a belt to just manage to keep my jeans from falling down) that it is not visible to others.
Oh well just got to keep going its not helped that I'm having a really bad 'fat day' although I imagine much of this is triggered by my raised anxiety levels. Fingers crossed I will be able to walk out of the door and Ben will be able to get me in and to the bar for that longed for glass of wine and a few haribo (other jelly sweets are available!!)