Yesterday was hideous!! The day began with the dreaded weigh in which I'm pleased to say did nothing it was the same as Monday but just like all the other times this has happened I daren't get my hopes up its stopping as it will more than likely jump up again on Monday.
During breakfast I suddenly felt really sick and lightheaded like I was going to pass out so had to go and lie down. I did manage to go back and complete my breakfast and then went to my room for a sleep. This was on top of me already having a bad throat. One thing I got from ward round on wednesday was that I am now allowed to manage my own sitting time after breakfast it took three weeks of asking but it's progress never the less.
One of the hardest things yesterday was being asked to move rooms, I have been in the high dependency room since I came in and yesterday they asked me to move to one of the other rooms. The first thing I was told was that this did not mean I was well they just thought it would be nice for me to have a room with some carpet and that was slightly less clinical. While this is true and my new room is slightly more homely(ish) it did make me feel like I was not ill any more and so didn't need to be here and that everyone else was Ill and I was just a fake. I managed to laugh it off when other patients asked why I was moving by saying I had been promoted and had gone up market but inside I was dying. It's really hard going from everyone panicking about you 24/7 to not really been particularly concerned as it really feeds the eating disorder in you to believe you are not good enough and should try harder to be ill.
It was also particularly hard as I thought the next time I packed my stuff it would be to go home not to move three doors up and unpack it again!! The only bonus is that I have finally managed to get rid of the air mattress despite then saying I needed to take it with me I managed to convince them to let me try a normal mattress after all I don't have bones sticking out any more and a firmer mattress will be better for my bad back. Sleeping last night on it was amazing it was so quiet in my room I could actually hear my clock without the need to strain my ears and every time I moved it didn't sound like I was on a lylo, heaven.
The final trauma came in the form of dinner I was expecting spaghetti bolognese which I have had several times and size wise have got used to, one spoon pasta and one spoon sauce so I was filled with complete fear when they said the meal had come ready mixed, they lifted the lid of my plate and all I saw was a mound of penne pasta and meat (not really any sauce, just meat!) I completely freaked out staff said the portion was right and that they had served two spoons of the mixed meal but to my mind this meant that I had had more pasta than I should have had and I still think that now, three attempts of walking out and back in to the dining room and I did manage to eat it unfortunately despite having a good chat to staff I was unable to keep it all and did vomit all though this was after an hour. I was really disappointed in myself but I guess it's a learning curve and will be something for me to work on.
The day was also traumatic as we had a new patient in which of course I thought she would be looking at me and thinking my god why is she here she is clearly not ill. It's always really hard when a new patient comes in as you don't know how it will effect the dynamics of the unit. Not that the dynamics are that good anyway at the moment, one particular patient is still kicking off at the drop of a hat, or in her case cornflakes which this morning needed replacing three times as she insisted on throwing them all over the table and also poking every portion of margarine. She is incredibly rude to staff and continues to moan about other patient making a fuss in the dining room and then goes on to sit there swearing at staff and throwing food around.
Anyway it looks like I may get some Christmas leave which will be brilliant but very scary and daunting, I will find out for sure on Wednesday so fingers crossed.