Eughh feeling like total pants!! Spent all day asleep yesterday having had sickness and diarrhoea. This is such a shame after having such a wonderful evening out on Friday.
Ben and I finally had an evening out (all be it without official leave) and we went to see Rhod Gilbert who was so funny I laughed until I cried. It felt amazing to be laughing a genuine laugh, not forced or fake but real laughing something I have been unable to do for years.
It was quite a stressful night and I felt extremely self conscious about the way I looked particularly when I saw my work colleague who's first comment was that I looked well. Now while I know this isn't meant as my god you look huge in my head that's exactly what it means. I am also worried that he will go in to work and say how well I look and that everyone will then be questioning why I'm still here and not back at work.
Truth be told the evening did highlight that while in some ways I have progressed I still have many issues that need resolving, it really upset me that half way through I found that rather than just enjoying the evening I was working out in my head how many calories I was having in the wine and sweets and trying to work out if it would be too much, whatever too much actually is. A particularly low point was when I made Ben google to see how many calories were in popcorn before I would even eat a piece, if that wasn't bad enough it really stressed me out when he wouldn't let me look for myself and I wasn't getting the answers I needed because he wasn't doing it properly. Only afterwards did I look at this and realise that I found it stressful because I wasn't in control and my perfectionistic tendencies were making me feel annoyed that he wasn't doing it right, ridiculous I know but the feelings were prominent never the less.
That aside we did have a great night and Ben even took me home for a few minutes so I could see George (the cat) it was both wonderful and weird to be back at home after so long. The cat wasn't particularly interested in me despite having some fuss I felt like he was thinking your kind of familiar but not really sure that I know who you are although he seemed slightly happier when I fed him. Talking of food (yes I know that's nothing new) I had to look in the fridge just to see if it Was as bad as I imagined it was going to be, all I will say is there were items that I know I left in there before I came in to hospital and will leave it at that!!
Ben and I had a good talk on the way back to hospital which was quite hard, he was explaining more about how he has really felt over the last year or so and how me being ill has effected him and our relationship. His honesty is needed but I am so scared that I have put a huge strain on the relationship and made him so unhappy and that things may not go well if I can't completely beat my illness, which of course I may never do fully. Hopefully if we can continue to talk and be as open and honest as possible we can keep working on issues and move forward.
It is just a shame that I woke up after the night yesterday feeling like total crap, I felt sick had upset stomach felt light headed and had a splitting headache. I have to admit that I thought at first it may be a reaction to having had a couple of glasses of wine after months without but as I was still feeling crap when I went to bed last night and still feel crap this morning I am thinking it may be a virus as suggested by the doctor yesterday. That aside I am terrified that this will now stop them even considering leave for Christmas as they will say I'm not well enough to cope. It really didn't help that I didn't manage breakfast, I did try I went in to the dining room three times but had to leave each time for fear I was about to throw up! I made myself have a supplement as I was terrified at not having the calories because of the effect it might have in my weight. I managed about 3/4 but couldn't finish it as I knew it would be coming straight back up if I did, minging does not even come close to the taste!!
I am really worried that I will have totally messed up my weight for Monday and that it will either jump up loads because it will hold on to more fluid than normal or go down but this won't be real. I am just terrified and dreading Monday.