Wednesday, 5 December 2012

Crap day!

Great!! Have just found out that the consultant is not in ward round today so i don't know why they are even bothering to have it as they won't make any decisions without him. Looks like I will be going to see Rod Gilbert without official leave. They were also supposed to be discussing Christmas leave so I would have an idea of what I might get even if no formal decision is made at this point. It's so hard to plan for the day without knowing if and what leave I may have, and it's stressful enough as it is.

To add insult to injury I have had severe pain in my back and hips for the last few days so was really looking forward to my massage today with the complimentary therapist. Well what a bloody surprise she won't be in today either!! So to say my day is ruined would be an understatement.

There is very little that keeps you feeling motivated to get up in a morning in here especially as you know it will be the same old shit just another day, nothing really changes except my weight but in terms of my thinking and feelings I am still where I was three months ago. It feels like my body has sped off and my head is still stalled on the starting line.

Motivation to do anything at the moment is at an all time low all I seem to want to do is sleep, not sure if this is due to sleeping poorly at night or just because I don't have to think when I'm sleeping. I have finished the first module of my course and emailed it yesterday for marking I feel like I have already failed as its advised that all modules from the first section of the course be completed by Christmas and I have only managed one I feel like I have let myself down and also disappointed Ben that I haven't motivated myself to do more work and not sleep. I have informed my tutor I am in hospital and asked if it matters that they will not all be completed I currently await his response.

So now my day is feeling empty and ultimately pointless I'm not really sure what to do, maybe I will make some Christmas cards or maybe I will just sleep.


  1. Oh Becky. I really feel for you but am so unqualified to help. The one thing I do know from my own experience is that hospitals although physically helping do absolutely nothing emotionally. They are soul-destroying places. Try to keep looking out beyond the four walls, there's a wonderful life waiting for you. Just to let you know I am still reading.

  2. Thanks for the advice Gill. I will keep trying it's just some days it's really hard to see beyond here. Thanks for continuing to read. Xx