Sunday, 2 December 2012

Too early!!

Seriously wanted to chin the nurse that woke me up this morning!! I think I finally managed to get to sleep at about 2.30am, waking again at 4am and then dozed on and off but must have gone to sleep properly at about 5am (ish) then at 6.05am in comes the nurse with her booming voice "come on Bec time to get up' err I wouldn't mind but my alarm hadn't even gone off which is set for 6.15am she then repeated this every minute till I emerged ready for the impending doom of being weighed. I really don't get why this horrific event has to be done so damn early, it is claimed that it is so it can be put on the computer and ready in the notes for handover at 7pm, surely it would be just as easy for them to allow us to be weighed at 7am and for day staff to put it on the computer!!

Oh well guess I will just have to spend yet another day being crazy tired. So as per usual my weight has gone up again, it was a smallish gain but will undoubtably jump up on Thursday as at seems to be the pattern, either large jump Monday and smaller on Thursday or visa versa, either way it's still showing no sign of stopping!! I am convinced it will still be going up on this diet when I get to my target weight and to say I am petrified would be an understatement.

Had my heart echo on Saturday and I was terrified going out but it was really nice to have some freedom, especially after not being out for three months. I don't think I've ever been so excited to go in to WHSmiths (there is one in the main hospital) I was like a kid in a sweet shop, talking of which I was still really drawn to looking at all the food and was especially drawn to the pic and mix! I love jelly sweets and have missed having them, mom did offer to get me some but I declined. Clearly not ready for extra yet, especially as I felt so huge anyway and that the nurse who did my echo was thinking how big I looked and especially how much my stomach was sticking out. I desperately wanted to see myself in a proper mirror (the ward mirrors are not normal and distort your image, I mean seriously is my body image not screwed up enough!!) and see myself as thin but there was a full length mirror in the room and I really couldn't see any part of me that looked even remotely thin all I could see was a body that was too big and it felt like it shouldn't be my body. I wish I could just see through someone else's eyes for two minutes to see how they really see me just so I could know if what I am seeing is real or not.

The echo itself was ok and fairly painless, although the bruises it has left me with are quite the opposite. It was interesting to see and hear my heart and see it beating although quite bizarre! I should get the results in a couple of weeks, I did ask if they could see anything but she said they just send a report to the consultant. I'm sure if they had seen anything too serious they may have shown some more concern and not take two weeks to let me know.

So here we go again with yet another week! I have been here three months today and I wish I could say I was feeling and thinking better but I still feel like my weight and body have changed dramatically but my head is in the same place it was all that time ago, just dont think it will ever catch up.


  1. Yup, they'd basically run you straight down to A&E if there was something really worrying on there.

    You're still working on not vomiting, right? So you're *still* not consistently eating and hanging on to all you're given... so your metabolism still won't quite be able to settle down yet (and probably won't until you're a good bit less underweight).

    Presumably your goal weight is a sort of reasonable minimum safe weight, at which they really feel OK that you're not in any danger of damaging your body just by being underweight, right? Cos I'm wondering if your body actually - via genetics and what have you - would like your weight to be a bit higher than whatever that is, and is doing all it can to get you there. Unfortunately there's no reprogramming that bit.

    I know one of the things that's really worrying you is the prospect of not being able to come off your current quite low calorie diet - I'm wondering, if you can bear it, whether you could try actually increasing your meals a bit and see if that's not what your body's been waiting for? That really might be complete bunk nutrition/metabolism wise, but it feels sort of plausible. I do appreciate that that's a seriously not-easy prospect for you to even think about - but give it a few minutes thought sometime when you feel able.

    Stay strong. Stick with it. You WILL recover, you WILL go home, you WILL be able to enjoy meals again.

  2. Hi Becca yes still really trying to work on the vomiting and have agreed on a weight that I will pause at and see how I feel? The dietician has said to put something else in my diet to see if it will kick start my metabolism but I just can't get y head round this without having seen that the weight does stop. Will have to see how it goes. How are you dong?

  3. I see what you mean *but* if the dietician is right, it'll be a bit circular won't it - the weight gain won't slow/stop until you increase your diet a bit, but you don't feel you can increase your diet until the weight gain slows/stops!

    I'm not bad thanks. Recently started playing boccia (a paralympic sport similar to boules) and had my first competitive matches on Sunday. It was terrifying but went really well - I got my arse handed to me by a current member of the national squad (surprise!) and by a soon-to-be member of same, but won my other 2 games and so to my genuine astonishment have ended up with the bronze medal.

  4. Congratulations you must be very proud of yourself and so you should be xx