Woo hoo!! I got leave for Christmas I will be leaving the prison at 9am Christmas day and not returning till 5.30pm on boxing day I am so excited I could burst!! As always though eating disorder has reared it's ugly head to try to spoil it filling my thoughts with the idea that I am obviously now well and shouldn't be here as I am one of the only patients to get leave. This was not helped last night by one of the staff nurses telling me having my physical observations done twice a day was pointless if I was now getting leave, this made me feel like I was fine and that there was no concern over my health and that I was a fake for being here, as if I didn't hate her enough as it was.
While I am excited I am also petrified. I am worried in case I don't cope and make myself sick or that everyone will see me eat weirdly and think badly of me. I am so scared that the temptation to eat lots will be too strong and so I will end up vomiting. I just hope that with a plan in place I will be able to control myself and resist the urge to eat more than I feel I should, panic and then make myself sick.
Plan for boxing day is also quite exciting, shopping!! I don't really want to buy anything but I haven't been in shops for so long I just want to have a mooch in the sales. I just don't want to sit around all day as that's all I do here. Plan is to have a sandwich in town if I am able if not a backup is going to be in the shape of a pre made one I will take with me. Scary thing is coming back to the unit only to then be faced with a Buffett.
Talking of which for some bizarre reason we are having a Buffett lunch today. I am so scared as I will want to try everything and eat loads as that's always been my past experience. I think the staff supervise what you take and make sure you have enough but not too much but I am still terrified.
Quite a busy day today which is good as I did pretty much bugger all yesterday! Fingers crossed Ben is coming later and my parents and sister tonight, good times.