Not blogged for a few days because the endless screaming in my own head has been relentless and I have had very few moments when I would have been able to write anything resembling either constructive or sentence like.
It started Thursday with the dreaded weigh in which luckily my weight didn't really do much however this meant that the dietician came looking to discuss how we move forward. I said that I was concerned that if I had an increase and my weight went up lots Monday how it would impact on my leave and if this would trigger me to either restrict my intake or eat and purge. She agreed to wait till Monday to see what happened but did say that if it wasn't for Xmas I would have had the increase but I'm glad that she listened to my concerns even if they were anorexic based. I am now however petrified that my weight will jump up again tomorrow anyway and I'm not sure how I will cope.
Next trauma came in the shape of the buffet which was horrendous! For a start it didn't turn up on time and so we didn't have lunch till 1pm which just meant an extra half an hour wait to get more and more anxious. We all had to go in and select either four or six items depending on which portion you were on, it all looked amazing and my gut reaction was to still want it all, I wanted all the nice looking sandwiches the cheese, the egg the roast chicken salad the samosas the mini eggs I just wanted it all but only if I could get rid of it after. The harsh realisation came because I realised two things, the first being how much I am still stuck in the eat as much as you want and purge it mind set but the second how much eating to keep means having a really restricted diet. Despite the choice of the nice sandwiches I chose two ham on brown one on white and a plain chicken on white with some salad on the side, talk about a bloody cop out. I was so disappointed in myself that I couldn't challenge myself to try something new but as the staff pointed out to me several times I had already achieved more than they expected as they didn't even think they would get me in the dining room.
One of the patients is still causing issues on the unit. They make really inappropriate comments and constantly analyse your choice of snacks and meals making comments about how certain items have more or less calories than others and just generally been really unhelpful. They hover around the snack list making an already difficult choice even harder when you think they are watching what your picking and judging you for it. The only saving grace is that they are moving her to another unit as she needs a different kind of care for the other issues she has apart from the anorexia. It's harsh but roll on the seventh January when she goes. Until then though it is getting increasingly difficult to rise above the situation without lashing out at her or someone else.
Have been feeling really huge. Mom brought in some black trousers for me to see if she could alter them and a new checked top so I had something new to wear on Xmas day, then my jeans that I ordered along with a checked shirt arrived and I love them. The jeans were too big so mom said she would take them in I was so excited at the thought of new things to wear and in my head they were going to look good and give me a bit of a confidence boost. Oh dear!!! Mom brought them back for me to try yesterday but they looked stupid, the black trousers looked like they had a crease down the back that had been ironed in the Wong place and they was a huge bump in the back of the jeans, I was so disappointed as they looked nothing like I wanted them to look. So didn't mean to sound ungrateful as I know my mom will have done the best she possibly could to get them right for me but the truth is I won't look like I want in them because I don't have the figure I want.
I was also upset because Ben went to the German market with friends on Friday night and I saw a photo on face book and he looked so happy and this is something I have been unable to do for a long time. They then all went back to our house and drank and played games till about 3am. I hate the fact that I was so jealous one because they were in my house and not me and the main reason was because Ben was getting yet another glimpse of what life would be like to be with someone who was not so screwed up.
This bothered me so much so that I told him not to come yesterday and to get done what he needed to as I didn't want to say anything and come across as completely paranoid and untrusting as I do trust him it's just really difficult being stuck in here while life goes on without you.
So now it's Sunday and the dreaded weigh day is looming I'm already panicking and feeling ill at the thought. All I want to do is say head shut up please!!!!