Friday, 28 December 2012

Back to normal

So that was Christmas and what a wonderful day it was I am so proud of myself that I made it through the day and didn't vomit once. I wish I could say it had all gone without any stress and tears but I can't as there were several.

Dinner was at mom and dads and although we had worked it out with the dietician I still really struggled to accept that what was in front of me wasn't more than I should have been having as it looked really big on my plate and convinced me it was more than I would be I having if I was on the unit. It didn't detract however that it tasted amazing and made me realise that my taste is starting to really improve. I didn't freak out that times of meals were vastly different and was flexible to have pudding instead of an afternoon snack as we didn't have dinner till 3pm when my sister came home from work. Tea didn't happen till around 9pm and although this was also stressful it was progress as before I would never even consider eating a meal at this time.

I managed several glasses of light wine and two glasses of sherry, I only managed a few sips of the vat of sherry produced by my father in law at their house on Christmas morning though!!

The best part of the day was getting to sleep in my own bed and to curl up to Ben and then wake up the next morning next to him. I didn't even get annoyed when George (the cat) woke me up in the night by sitting on my head!! Curling was exceptionally nice as prior to my admission I couldn't do this due to the severe swelling of my legs.

Boxing day was good, Ben and I had breakfast together and I really tried to not get stressed when he was in the kitchen at the same time as me and even allowed him to put my toast in for me, something I would not even consider before. I did panic that I had way too much milk on my weetabix but still managed not to vomit. After a coffee at mom and dads we went to hobby craft and then home for lunch. I decided to have chunky steak and potato soup and found it really filling and did panic that I was having too much and that I would get more calories from it as it was liquid not solid and it would therefore not burn as many digesting it, but after a bowl of fresh fruit we went it to town to have a mooch in the sales. Still managing not to vomit and even sitting with Ben to eat and was able to discuss how I was feeling about the food and why I was so scared.

On the way home for lunch I asked Ben how he had found dinner the previous day and breakfast and was upset that he thought the relationship was still quite one sided and that it still revolved around food especially as I had really tried to take on board the things from prior to my admission that he had told me bothered him and to not do them even letting him sit with me for lunch and had really tried to be more normal and more flexible.

In town Ben brought me a jumper, hat and I even got a dress. The dress is slightly big at the moment but maybe in time I will fill out and it will be ok. We stopped for a coffee and snack in Starbucks and even though I had checked calories and worked out what to have in advance I was shocked that by the time I got to ordering it I was physically shaking like a leaf, I couldn't get my words out when trying to order and then couldn't get my money out of my purse because my hands were shaking so much, the poor guy must of thought I was a complete freak!!
Ben wondered what the hell was wrong but I couldn't explain, I think there were a couple of reasons. One reason was that I was convinced that they had given me something more than what I had asked for and that I hadn't worked out the calories properly, However I think a big factor was that it would be the first time in over twelve years that I had ordered something with the intention of actually eating and drinking it without vomiting.

I hate the fact that I was so reliant on calorie counting especially as I no from the nutrition group that they are a complete load of rubbish as they can be up to 30% wrong and you will never get the same amount of calories from a product each time you have it. It all depends in what your doing, what else you have eaten, temperature and a whole host of other reasons. That aside it Was the only way I could get through the days as I really can't rely on judging potion sizes as everything seems too big.

I returned to the unit for dinner which was another ruddy buffet although this was slightly easier to deal with having faced it the other day. The hard part was just having to return and what was even harder to admit was that while I had done ok and didint want to come back I know that I still need to be here based on the amount of time that food still dictated my life,not eating it now but still thinking about it, working out numbers and worrying about the next meal. My leave really highlighted areas I still need to be working on to progress.

I thought I had done ok and was proud of the way I coped even through the struggles and having to ask repeatedly if I had had to much or worked things out correctly. So it really through me when I had a big weight jump on Thursday as all I could think was that I had had way to much on my leave had not worked things out right and was greedy. Despite having had a small diet increase which was to have an extra slice of toast with breakfast I don't believe that this would have caused the jump. It totally through me and has really scared me that i can't go on leave because I eat and drink too much and should have been sick to reduce what I had without the need not to have it!! It has scared me so much that it really effected my request for leave for the new year as I will be too scared to drink any wine incase it gives me a huge weight gain again.
To make matters worse the dietician wasn't in, again! Apparently ill (more like skiverlitus if you ask me due to the excesses of Xmas and boxing day!) never the less though I was left to totally freak out. I did manage to talk with the day care dietician although it didn't help much as she didn't really know about my weight gain history but she did try and has agreed to come and see me on Monday if Our dietician isn't back.

Despite my fear I did request exceptional leave for new year and was granted 1pm on new years eve until 5pm new years day I'm just unsure of how I will cope if I want to have a drink as I am terrified of how my weight will be effected. I am dreading being weighed on Monday and how it will effect my leave if it has jumped up again but I know all I can do is wait.

1 comment:

  1. To our amazing daughter we were so proud of the way you coped with Christmas day, you climbed so many mountains that day and you reached the peak,it made our Christmas to have you at home and we can't wait until the day you are able to do this without having to go back to the unit. We know things are hard for you but look at what you have achieved which four months ago you would have felt would be impossible, build on this and the world is your oyster! (maybe should have said the world is yours for the taking). Monday will be what will be, we will be there for you no matter what, all our love xx