Tuesday, 1 January 2013

Happy new year

2013 was welcomed in with mixed emotions for me. I was happy to be at home and seeing it in with my family but sad to think that the year was starting with me in hospital.
I'm not good with new year at the best of times as it always reminds me that its another year starting, i'll be another year older and another year struggling with an eating disorder and no real hope of anything better. This year was different though, I still hated the fact that it meant I would be another year older, still struggling with an eating disorder but at least this year there is actually some real hope as instead of thinking this year I will make a change really try to beat it and then spending another year finding excuses not to or being unable to this year is the first in the last 12 that I can actually say I have made a change and although I am still struggling I have made a step forward and am really trying to change and doing something to make it better and not just thinking about it.

So after my big gain on Thursday and freaking out about Monday I actually lost a tiny amount which I found good and bad. I was glad that I didn't get another big jump as I feared I would but at the same time I was thinking that I definitely must have eaten and drunk to much over Xmas as when I go back to eating what I should I loose weight!!
Luckily the dietician was back and I had a chat with her and talked through what I had had over Xmas and the plans for new year and why I had reservations about going. Despite these reservations and fears I decided that if I didn't face them again straight away I may never be able to face them.

So I left at 1pm on New Year's Eve and took Ben shopping. I have actually become slightly girly in my old age getting excited by bags, make up and even clothes!! I think the difference is that I feel more able to look at clothes that I like and find that they are fitting better without the need for huge alterations. This is really frightening but also quite nice.

The evening came and wearing my new jumper my parents arrived and Ben and I prepared food together something we had never done before as normally I would do it all and Ben would be left to entertain. I cooked the pizza I was having and let Ben cut it for me, it was really difficult to trust anyone else that they would only give me what I should have but I couldn't trust my own judgement and it felt good to feel safe that Ben was in control.

Something I really struggled with apart from the food and fighting the temptation to pick at the food remaining and the nibbles I had put out was the feeling that my house don't feel like home, I felt like I was a guest that needed to ask permission to do things. It is hard to explain but I hated feeling like it especially when Ben felt so happy that we had done things together and that I had finally let him in the kitchen. I think maybe I felt it for a number of reasons, being away for so long and therefore somewhere else has had to become 'home' but I think mainly because things were different and I wasn't completely in control I was sharing the control and this felt alien to me and I didn't like it. It did however make me think that this is probably how Ben has felt for much of the time when I have needed to have total control over everything so hopefully I will be able to work on my feelings and be more able to share control and deal with it in a constructive way rather then resorting to my tried and tested coping methods.

I did feel really disappointed with myself and an incident really scared me how much I was still not as far forward as perhaps I thought or wished I was. I made myself sick, not after my main meal but a few hours later and ridiculously after fruit!! Reason being I had eaten some strawberries and grapes and then had some blackberries but as they were so nice had eaten several instantly I felt that I had had more than I should going over my regimented and carefully calculated calorie intake and therefore couldn't cope, I really tried to rationalise that it was only fruit but it was too late as in my mind I had binged by eating uncontrollably and therefore the only thing I could do was to vomit to get rid of them. As soon as I had done it I felt like complete crap, I had let everyone down including myself. It scared me how much my mind set was still so stuck and how easily I could slip and it has made me scared to have more leave.

That aside and after a really good chat with Ben I am going to request some leave this weekend but I'm not sure how much to ask for and also how much I might actually get. The big factor for me will be what happens at weigh day tomorrow as if I have another big jump my confidence will be knocked to zero as I will really think that I ate and drank to much like Xmas and really can't control myself on leave and will be terrified to have anymore. I just wish it could do nothing, stay the same in the hope it will boost my confidence that what I had was ok not too much but enough I guess I will just have to wait and see what tomorrow brings but I am terrified.

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