I think my head is about to explode!! I have spent yet another sleepless night thinking about calories and snacks!
I had my vending machine assessment on Friday, sounds odd and no it isn't to actually see if I can still work a machine as was suggested but to see if I am able to pick a snack different to the units list and then eat it, sounds simple but my god I wish it had been.
I spent all of Thursday night worrying about it, what if I got there and freaked out unable to pick anything, what if I picked something then couldn't eat it. I was terrified that if I didn't do it I would be classed as a failure, if I did it and picked the wrong thing I would have failed and if I freaked out I would fail. I got so stressed I almost decided not to do it, truth is if I hadn't have done it I would have really beaten myself up so shaking like a leaf I faced my fear and at 3.15pm on Friday faced the vending machine!!!
To be honest it really was as scary as I thought it was going to be and I was really grateful that there was no one around except the nurse with me. I had already asked Ben to see what kind of things were in it so I could try to work out what I would choose, this was sort of cheating but I still had to face the selection process and then eat it. I chose starburst chews and although it felt really weird sitting and eating the entire packet in one go and not offering anyone else one I did enjoy them as I have had no sweets for some time.
What frustrated me was there were so many mother things that I liked and could have chosen but I couldn't because the calories and fat content were too high. Even though I know that calories are complete rubbish and your intake from the same food will be different at different times and dependent on many other factors I am still controlled by them and how restricting they are. I am unable to have any snack that is more than 200 calories and certainly no more than 10g fat. The thought of having more than this in a snack is so terrifying that I just can't do it. I am scared how much it will make my weight go up based on the fact that it went up for so long on a tiny diet having the lower calorie snack choices and I just can't seem to break the thought pattern.
It was really highlighted to me yesterday, I was granted some leave in Wednesdays ward round, I got 1pm till 5.30pm on Saturday and Sunday. Ben and I decided to go to the villa match, we popped into town first as Ben needed to get some jeans. While he went to river island I popped into boots to get a snack in case there was nothing at the match that was suitable. It was ridiculous I had no idea what to have not knowing if I wanted sweet or savoury and then analysing every packet to check the calorie and fat content and making sure it didn't go over my allowed amount. Now to give you an idea of exactly how long this process took Ben had been to the shop, looked round, selected some jeans, tried them on, brought them and was leaving the shop when I got there.
I knew it was crazy and a selection should have taken a minute or so but I am struggling to know what I want as it is accepting that its ok to have what I like and not just having it because the staff have said I have to. I went with some salt and vinegar squares and a bag of grapes and apple and along with a coffee at the match sat and ate them before the match and then the crisps at half time. I really enjoyed them and I didn't feel too out of place as people were eating all around me especially pies!!
So today I am going in to town to do some shopping with my mom and dad as Ben is working and will be away for the next week. I have already spent much of the night worrying about what snack I will have and how many calories to have. I don't know if there will be anything where we go for coffee so I will buy something beforehand that I can have if nothing else I can cope with.
It is really stressing me out thinking about facing my fear and trying a higher snack maybe if my weight maintains tomorrow I can say I will try a higher snack on one or two days to see how much effect it has on my weight on Thursday but yet again it all depends on what my weight does.