Feeling like total crap today and felt like total crap yesterday. I really wanted to wake up feeling better today but alas I don't.
Saturday night and all of Sunday I struggled with feeling really big and worrying over the fact that for the first time in a very long time I went in to a shop and tried on some clothes to find that they fit and needed no alteration. Now I know that's the idea but it has really stressed me out thinking about how much bigger i have got. I feel so big and I hate the way my body feels and looks and having to see it change. This feeling was heightened by yesterday's weigh in when I found I had a big weight jump that completely freaked me out. Yet again I felt that I had obviously had way to much on leave and freaking over how much it would have gone up if I hadn't have been walking round over the weekend. I got even more confused when I spoke to the dietician who said it could be that I didn't have enough for what I had done and is my body was holding on to more. I got totally confused with this as it seemed to make no sense to me. i got really upset when she explained that because I had been so near to death and desperately underweight that my body had adapted so much to utilise the tiny amount I gave it and so any change to what I have it and what it required would cause my body to panic and go straight back to conserving what it could, I can't believe how much I have messed my body up and worrying it will always be like it and my weight will always be messed up.
I spoke to the dietician about how I now felt there was no way I could challenge the snack list choices because I am terrified how much more it will make my weight go up she still thinks however that in order for my body to settle more I need more in my diet. I am so confused and scared I don't know what to think or feel. I have said I will try to challenge myself once between now and Thursday to a higher calorie snack but I just don't know if I can.
I hate that as soon as I make a small but positive step towards recovery my eating disorder grabs me in its poisoned claws and grips on for dear life pulling me backwards and making me feel like crap. I don't really know how to cope as all I want to do is not eat or get rid of all I eat to try to get my body thin and back to how it should be rather than the wobbly figure I have become!!
I just wish you could see what we see, we are starting to see our beautiful daughter emerge from being the chrysalis she had become (and as the dietician said so close to death we were terrified)to the beautiful butterfly ready to stretch her wings into the outside world. You did so well on Sunday and we had a lovely afternoon with you, we want lots more of these lovely times,(Dad has permanently locked away his credit card!!) you are making such positive steps, soon you will believe and the anorexic voice will become quieter rather than the voice that is at the moment yelling at you.Love you loads xxxx
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