Feeling like total crap today and felt like total crap yesterday. I really wanted to wake up feeling better today but alas I don't.
Saturday night and all of Sunday I struggled with feeling really big and worrying over the fact that for the first time in a very long time I went in to a shop and tried on some clothes to find that they fit and needed no alteration. Now I know that's the idea but it has really stressed me out thinking about how much bigger i have got. I feel so big and I hate the way my body feels and looks and having to see it change. This feeling was heightened by yesterday's weigh in when I found I had a big weight jump that completely freaked me out. Yet again I felt that I had obviously had way to much on leave and freaking over how much it would have gone up if I hadn't have been walking round over the weekend. I got even more confused when I spoke to the dietician who said it could be that I didn't have enough for what I had done and is my body was holding on to more. I got totally confused with this as it seemed to make no sense to me. i got really upset when she explained that because I had been so near to death and desperately underweight that my body had adapted so much to utilise the tiny amount I gave it and so any change to what I have it and what it required would cause my body to panic and go straight back to conserving what it could, I can't believe how much I have messed my body up and worrying it will always be like it and my weight will always be messed up.
I spoke to the dietician about how I now felt there was no way I could challenge the snack list choices because I am terrified how much more it will make my weight go up she still thinks however that in order for my body to settle more I need more in my diet. I am so confused and scared I don't know what to think or feel. I have said I will try to challenge myself once between now and Thursday to a higher calorie snack but I just don't know if I can.
I hate that as soon as I make a small but positive step towards recovery my eating disorder grabs me in its poisoned claws and grips on for dear life pulling me backwards and making me feel like crap. I don't really know how to cope as all I want to do is not eat or get rid of all I eat to try to get my body thin and back to how it should be rather than the wobbly figure I have become!!