Trauma!! I hate the fact that one comment can leave me in such a state for days and it wasn't even a negative comment it was a compliment!!
While on the phone to my sister on Monday she told me that her husband thought I looked amazing (I saw them Sunday) and 100% better really good!! Now I know he meant this as a compliment but the first thing I thought was that he thought I was fat, I asked him but he said no you look really good and not fat. I thanked him and as soon as I put the phone down I died if I look so good why the hell am I still putting on weight and still here. How can I possibly stay looking good with even more weight, I thought they must think why am I still here when I'm better so I must be lazy and wasting my and everyone else's time.
It really stressed me out and confused me I have people telling me I'm still very underweight and look ill and then others saying how good i look my head is spinning and I don't know how to deal with it all its really stressing me out and making my poor body image worse.
That aside my weight maintained on Monday but yet again the dietician was off sick, it really begs the question does she follow her own nutritional advice been as though she is off sick so much!! Anyway I decided that I would try to challenge my snack choices so one snack each day before Thursday I would choose something over 200 calories and over 10g fat as this is over what I allow myself then see what happens to my weight on Thursday and just pray the dietician is back. So far I have stuck to the plan and even went to the vending machine to choose on Monday. I am just terrified what it will do to my weight on Thursday.
So Wednesday is upon us once more and yet another ward round this week I have asked for leave from saturday 1pm till Sunday at 12pm and also for a few hours leave each Monday night to go back to choir fingers crossed but we shall see. I hope if nothing else I get the weekend leave as last weekend was really fun Ben and I went to see les mis (amazing) and we then decided to go bowling and for a drink I even managed a vodka and diet coke, although I still had to work the calories out before I could have it which did ruin the evening slightly. That aside we had a really good night and it should be noted I whooped bens bottom at air hockey 5-1 :0))