Why is it the night seems to drag on forever when you can't sleep and yet when you do sleep the morning arrives in record time? Last night I couldn't sleep for the pain in my hips and back, caused by osteoporosis (yet another wonderful thing my eating disorder has given me!) I lay awake and clock watched for several hours tossing and turning just trying to get comfortable but the more I moved the more the noise of the bed bugged me and the more over tired I got. I finally got to sleep at about 5am and then five minutes later (well it seemed like five minutes) my alarm was going off and it was time to start yet another day!
Days in here seem to drag and go quickly all at the same time! On one hand I feel like I have been here forever but yet the meals seem to run in to one another so quickly and before I know it I will be having the last snack of the day going to bed and then another day will be here! It feels like my life is wasting away at such speed while I rot in here not improving. I know my weight is increasing but it feels like that's going up, I'm getting bigger, but yet my head has not even started to catch up and is still unwilling to or unable to change.
Tuesday's however are usually comparably more bearable, you have started to get over the trauma of Monday weigh in and have a slightly calmer demeanour before the stress of Wednesday ward round and Thursday weigh in. Also for me Tuesday's give me more time off the bed with the nutrition group at 11am and then the psychologist at 1pm along with sitting time in the lounge it makes for quite a full day away from my rooms four walls. Imagine my disappointment today then to discover that the nutrition group has been cancelled due to the dietician being unwell so that's an extra hour on the bed and I also find the group really helpful and informative. Oh well maybe I will take the opportunity to type up some more of my course work.
Hopefully the psychologist will be here for my session although I have to admit that I am feeling both nervous and apprehensive about today's session as we are starting to look at why I think the things I do and how we go about changing them. This will be incredibly hard I only hope that I will start to understand why I developed my eating disorder and how I can change my thinking. I hope I will be able to find out the real reason I stay trapped with the illness and how I can change so I no longer need it.