Not feeling too great today woke up with a sickly headache and feeling quite tender from yesterday. I fainted and landed on a very hard floor banging my head, shoulder, and hip of course this caused a state of panic when in actual fact I think it was just a simple case of getting up too quickly having been lying down but now I am dreading them putting me back on full bed rest following ward round today. To say I will not be happy is an understatement.
Apart from that yesterday was broken up by going to a nutrition group in the morning and having my session with the psychologist in the afternoon. The nutrition group was really interesting, we looked at the Minnesota experiment and although I had looked at it before it is amazing how it mirrors eating disorders so much so that it is difficult to know if what your experiencing is because of starvation or because of anorexia. For those who don't know about it have a look at it http://jn.nutrition.org/content/135/6/1347.full and I'm sure you will see the similarities with many things I have mentioned in previous blogs.
One of the things it mentions is irritability and inflexibility and how this can cause panic, anxiety, fear and anger. I experienced a prime example of this yesterday, the final evening snack is at 9.45pm unfortunately last night we only had one member of regular staff on and two bank staff god only knows what happened but I didn't get my snack till just after 10pm, seriously how hard is it to make a milky coffee and bring it to my room with a banana! Five minutes is fine but when you have prepared yourself for it the longer the wait and the more stressed you become so by 10pm I was in a state of sheer panic, crying declaring how unfair it was that everyone else's was on time except mine and then came the anger. The anger caused the fight or flight reaction and so I stomped out of my room to go to the kitchen to see why the morons were having so much difficulty in completing a simple task I could have done myself five times over. Didn't really work out as I was stopped by the nurse and escorted back to my bed. I can smile about it now but last night it was the end of the world.
It caused me to think of just how often this has happened in the past and how frustrating it must be to those around you. When in the grasps of an eating disorder spontaneity is a word well and truly missing from your vocabulary. Often Ben would say shall we go here or there and it would be almost impossible for me to say yes straight away without first planning what time we would go, how long we would be there, what we would do about food, and importantly would we be back so my evening ritualistic routine would not be disrupted. It was exhausting for me but it must of been far more frustrating for Ben. I guess it's just yet another example of life having to revolve around food. I think in the end Ben learnt not even to try to suggest anything that would involve any kind of spontaneity on my part. Talk about leading a dull and limiting life or in my case existence.
On times when I did go out with Ben or family my anxiety would be projected on to them and they would start to panic about where we would find somewhere that would serve something I could cope with and several trips out have been spoilt by spending time just trying to find somewhere causing stress and upset which meant yet again what should have been an enjoyable day out away from the norm once again revolved around food. It also made me feel like I was a failure for ruining the day and had yet again disappointed them and let them down.
I am fearful that this won't change and that I will never feel the ability to be spontaneous or flexible which prior to my illness I was. Fingers crossed though as I start to come out of starvation I may feel differently, not just for my sake but for those around me also.