Managed to get in the shower today although refreshing I have to admit to sobbing while looking at the state my body is in, truly hideous. Struggled through breakfast unable to turn my head off from picturing the image of myself, water running off my rounded stomach and dripping on to my chunky thighs which were squeezed together in disgusting rolls of flab.
This in turn has caused me to think back to being at home and how I managed to cope with things. Truth is I suppose I wasn't really coping at all it was just an illusion created by the eating disorder because I was doing what it wanted me to do and therefore all the negative anorexic thoughts weren't there because they didn't really need to be, or at least not in the same way. I obviously had them otherwise why would I have continued to feel the need to vomit after food in order to stay thin? The difference was while I continued to do this I didn't challenge my behaviour and so the thoughts and feelings remained at a manageable level.
I can see now looking back that as weight began to fall the eating disorder became stronger and stronger and began to con me in to thinking I was not influencing my weight dropping at all and it was a mystery as to why i was getting thinner. Obviously didn't have anything to do with restricting more and even vomiting after drinking!!
I can't imagine how hard it has been for people to watch the seemingly quick decline from relatively coping to not coping and becoming desperately thin.
While I am very much stuck and still not wanting to recover I stay here not only because if I try to leave they will section me but for the sake of Ben and my family. While I know this is hard for my parents and sister they do at least have an idea of this process and just how bad it is and gets. what with the yelling, crying and ultimate blaming of them for me being in hospital they have experienced this first hand on previous admissions. Poor Ben however was lucky enough to have missed this stage getting together when almost at my target weight and so at least, if only for a short while, had me relatively stable, rational and with the ability to cope.
I can't imagine what living with me has been like for him over the last few years but specifically the last few months. How do you cope when you are fully aware that your wife is doing something that you fear could ultimately kill her and all the time have to stand by and watch it go on unable to change the behaviour that is clearly so ingrained. In answer you become numb to it and that's the only way. It's not that you accept the behaviour but by becoming numb enables you to cope when you feel helpless to influence positive change, or at least this is what I think happens.
Each and every day I fully expect to find that he has gone, finally given up on me and found someone worthy of his love. It's true to say that I have many times told him to do this as I am not worthy of his love and support and believe he deserves someone who can appreciate him and that he can have a proper fulfilling life with.
I can't begin to explain how hard it was when he told me that for a long time he had felt he wasn't important and was always second best to food. This broke my heart as he really is the most important person in my life but I couldn't deny that food had become just as important and that my every waking moment was focused on eating, routine, and all things food related. which didn't leave much time for anything else other than work.
I had a breakfast routine which I became irritable and angry if changed or interrupted. Routine continued at work I allowed myself 12 sweets but they could not be eaten till after 11am and then lunch would be 3pm, the reason being by the time I had eaten there would be not much time till I could go home and eat again as once I had eaten I became ravenous and would feel the need to continue to eat. The only time this would change would be for appointments and then this would be ok as I couldn't just sit in the office thinking about food.
The real food focus started when I finished work, often going to supermarkets to buy food even though i had most of the stuff needed for the evening meal from the weekly shop. I would buy reduced items, meat, crisps and sweets. Once home the first thing I would do would be to start dinner preparation, sometimes even before saying hi to Ben and enquiring of his day, it wasn't that I didn't care but more the uncontrollable urge to start eating and preparing food. Once prepared I would then pick at food, crisps mainly oh and anchovy stuffed olives until dinner, vomiting these before starting the process of eating our main meal. I would indulge in huge portions of dinner far bigger than Ben could manage and then pick at his left overs and the inevitable remains in the kitchen as I always cooked far too much for two. Again I would then vomit to get rid of this food but it didn't stop there. Once shut in the kitchen away from Ben I would continue to pick at a variety of food, bread, tins of soup, pot noodles, pasta while washing up. I would then retire to the bathroom where I would vomit and then more often than not eat something in there which I had prepared earlier more often than not some kind of sandwich. I would then vomit continuously until I felt like all food had been removed and my stomach resembled its normal concave appearance.
You may think well thank god it's all over for the day but unfortunately not. I would get changed in to pjs and start again firstly with an alcoholic drink, Smirnoff ice, then I would start with sweets and chocolate or biscuits or both in excessive amounts this would then be vomited. I would then have another drink and start on savoury items crisps and nuts usually, again in excess, vomiting these soon after. This process spanned the entire evening seven days a week when Ben was there he would have to watch on and just accept that was what I did but I can see that it left no quality time for us as a couple. Not that I wanted any real physical closeness as I didn't want him to feel my disgusting body how can you be loved if you have so much hate for yourself.
However I am loved by him although I have no idea why I have and continue to put him through hell heartache, fear and misery and yet still he stands by me. I am terrified that I might not be able to beat this and there will come a point I will have broken him and he will no longer be able to cope and I will loose him for good. This is why I am struggling so much with my constant desire not to get well and put on weight I only wish I had answers to why this seemingly is more important than the person I love the most in the world.
To him and of course my family I am eternally sorry