Monday, 29 October 2012

Melt Down!!

Today has been a complete nightmare I had a total melt down and have spent much of the day sobbing. As I feared my weight increased this morning despite my desperate hope that it wouldn't and that it would finally be at the point it would plateau. Yet again I feel like it is completely out of control I got so frustrated after being weighed that I clawed at my stomach just trying to pull the fat away! worse thing is I didn't even realise I was doing it till it started to sting where my nails had ripped in to the skin.

When I spoke to Ben last night he was upset and feeling low, all I wanted to do was go home cuddle him and make it ok but I couldn't because of being stuck in here. I didn't sleep all night for worrying about him and so this morning said I needed to go home, I explained to the staff nurse why I needed to go because he couldn't come here and I wouldn't see him till Thursday as he would be in London and I needed to be there to support him. I said I just needed an hour and would then be back before lunch. I was told they would speak to the doctor when she came at about 9am and see what they could do. All through breakfast I got my hopes up they would let me go only for the doctor to come and see me and say no because it went against my care plan. This did not go well and I stormed off to the door and demanded it be opened so I could go, before I new it the alarms were going off and staff from wards were at the door. I was bundled in to a side room where I sobbed that it was unfair and unreasonable after all I have been here 7 weeks and not even been outside and yet have not really faught them and gone along with treatment and stressed that it seemed to be one rule for one and one rule for another. I went back to my room and was told that no one on level 3 observations is ever allowed home so if this is the case why did they get my hopes up that there might be a chance rather than just tell me no it won't be an option to my mind this was just cruel.

As if this wasn't bad enough the doctor then came in and said that because I wanted to go home I was refusing treatment and so she was going to detain me, I stressed that I hadn't said I wanted to go for good so why did she need to section me but they said that they couldn't keep me here against my wishes and so needed a legal framework in place if I said I was going. I asked what they wanted me to say as I had already said I wasn't leaving but this was apparently not what my actions showed and so they would give me till 11.30 to make a decision. I may as well have banged my head up a brick wall! I spoke to Ben and also to my mom who said she was on her way.

Mom came and this turned in to a further nightmare with us both in tears saying things in completely the wrong way. I asked her if she could see any changes in my physical appearance and she said that she thankfully couldn't see my wind pipe in my neck so much because the skin was more hydrated and not pulled so taught over it and then that there was less of a gap between my stomach and hip bones, this would be hard to hear anyway but the upset came because I had asked her his 2 days ago and was told I looked no different at all. Now either I have changed in 2 days or she wasn't telling me the truth, when I asked her this she eventually said that the other day it was not appropriate to tell me. This caused me to feel like I couldn't trust her and then I got really upset and accused her of being a liar who I would never trust her again.
She spoke to one of the staff nurses but when she came back I was still fuming and ended up accusing her of things that I really didn't mean but could not seem to stop the words coming out despite the fact that she was crying and all I really wanted to do was cuddle her. This is the thing with this illness you are like Jekyll and Hyde and at times you are simply unable to control your emotions and like they say you always hurt the ones you love.
I finally managed to stop myself and just flung my arms round her and begged her to stay till after lunch so we could talk.

Throughout lunch I was petrified that she would have gone but thankfully she was still in my room and we had a good talk and cleared the air. I apologised for hurting her and she promised to tell me the truth even if she ran the risk of me not taking it well or even been hurt and upset by it, I only hope she keeps to this as honesty and truth is very important to me especially when it comes to how I look as I don't know how much of what I see I can believe.

Luckily the doctor returned and accepted that I was willing to stay informally and so at this point has not sectioned me.

The afternoon calmed down slightly and following a relaxation session I managed to have a sleep prior to dinner.

This takes me to now and I am feeling a bit like I have gone 100 rounds with Mike Tyson bruised and battered emotionally if not physically. Thankfully things have gone ok with Ben and he is feeling a little happier and I have spoken to Mom and made sure she is ok, I asked my dad to give her a hug when she got home and tell her he loved her which he said he would.
I think I may now try to calm down and watch some crap on the tv and fingers crossed sleep better tonight ready to face yet another day of torture tomorrow.


  1. (((HUGS)))) I'm so sorry you had such a tough time, was thinking of you today when you weren't around on twitter.

    I will say, if your body is a bit low on nutrition and you haven't been sleeping well for ages then it's hardly surprising your emotions are up and down and you feel ragey (((HUGS)))

    I really sympathise with your frustration with the staff and what's happening to you, from their point of view you're really not well, and physically still very frail and underweight (although I know that's not your view)

    I know it's really really tough, and they feel like the enemy but they are, from their point of view, trying to keep you safe and help you get well.

    big ((HUGS)) I still really really believe you can do this, and get through this, try and be gentle on yourself, you're fighting such a huge battle right now xx

  2. I feel like a voyeur reading your blog, it is so personal. I just wanted you to know that you have taught me so much about eating disorders that I really didn't comprehend before. Keep writing. I am sure it is good for you. It is definitely good for me.

    Positive thoughts from Gill {Eric Morecambe's wife!) Isn't life strange?

  3. Rough day. I think mamacrow is right but I have a further theory - I know that the hormonal system pretty much shuts down when someone's as dangerously underweight as you have been, but presumably when you start recovering, some of it might start back up? It's only a theory, I'm no medic, but if your body's effectively putting you through puberty (hormone/emotions wise) all over again, on top of being so ill, that would more than explain a day like this!

    Given that you are still needing support to eat and not injure yourself (by vomiting or otherwise) I'm not surprised that they couldn't let you out on a day pass, but you're absolutely right, they should have said that straight away and been really clear right from the start. Anything else is just cruel.

    Keep going. It will get better, it honestly will. Even if it takes ages. That plateau will come too but not yet, your body needs your BMI up a bit more before it can let that happen. Maybe a doctor can talk about whereabouts weight wise they might look for/expect that to happen so that you can then try and free yourself from looking for it every weigh-in?

  4. Thanks for your commentS Gill I'm glad it's helping you understand this illness.
    Becca thanks for the advice it's very similar to what Ben said I will try to speak to the dietician when I see her next.