Today has been a complete nightmare I had a total melt down and have spent much of the day sobbing. As I feared my weight increased this morning despite my desperate hope that it wouldn't and that it would finally be at the point it would plateau. Yet again I feel like it is completely out of control I got so frustrated after being weighed that I clawed at my stomach just trying to pull the fat away! worse thing is I didn't even realise I was doing it till it started to sting where my nails had ripped in to the skin.
When I spoke to Ben last night he was upset and feeling low, all I wanted to do was go home cuddle him and make it ok but I couldn't because of being stuck in here. I didn't sleep all night for worrying about him and so this morning said I needed to go home, I explained to the staff nurse why I needed to go because he couldn't come here and I wouldn't see him till Thursday as he would be in London and I needed to be there to support him. I said I just needed an hour and would then be back before lunch. I was told they would speak to the doctor when she came at about 9am and see what they could do. All through breakfast I got my hopes up they would let me go only for the doctor to come and see me and say no because it went against my care plan. This did not go well and I stormed off to the door and demanded it be opened so I could go, before I new it the alarms were going off and staff from wards were at the door. I was bundled in to a side room where I sobbed that it was unfair and unreasonable after all I have been here 7 weeks and not even been outside and yet have not really faught them and gone along with treatment and stressed that it seemed to be one rule for one and one rule for another. I went back to my room and was told that no one on level 3 observations is ever allowed home so if this is the case why did they get my hopes up that there might be a chance rather than just tell me no it won't be an option to my mind this was just cruel.
As if this wasn't bad enough the doctor then came in and said that because I wanted to go home I was refusing treatment and so she was going to detain me, I stressed that I hadn't said I wanted to go for good so why did she need to section me but they said that they couldn't keep me here against my wishes and so needed a legal framework in place if I said I was going. I asked what they wanted me to say as I had already said I wasn't leaving but this was apparently not what my actions showed and so they would give me till 11.30 to make a decision. I may as well have banged my head up a brick wall! I spoke to Ben and also to my mom who said she was on her way.
Mom came and this turned in to a further nightmare with us both in tears saying things in completely the wrong way. I asked her if she could see any changes in my physical appearance and she said that she thankfully couldn't see my wind pipe in my neck so much because the skin was more hydrated and not pulled so taught over it and then that there was less of a gap between my stomach and hip bones, this would be hard to hear anyway but the upset came because I had asked her his 2 days ago and was told I looked no different at all. Now either I have changed in 2 days or she wasn't telling me the truth, when I asked her this she eventually said that the other day it was not appropriate to tell me. This caused me to feel like I couldn't trust her and then I got really upset and accused her of being a liar who I would never trust her again.
She spoke to one of the staff nurses but when she came back I was still fuming and ended up accusing her of things that I really didn't mean but could not seem to stop the words coming out despite the fact that she was crying and all I really wanted to do was cuddle her. This is the thing with this illness you are like Jekyll and Hyde and at times you are simply unable to control your emotions and like they say you always hurt the ones you love.
I finally managed to stop myself and just flung my arms round her and begged her to stay till after lunch so we could talk.
Throughout lunch I was petrified that she would have gone but thankfully she was still in my room and we had a good talk and cleared the air. I apologised for hurting her and she promised to tell me the truth even if she ran the risk of me not taking it well or even been hurt and upset by it, I only hope she keeps to this as honesty and truth is very important to me especially when it comes to how I look as I don't know how much of what I see I can believe.
Luckily the doctor returned and accepted that I was willing to stay informally and so at this point has not sectioned me.
The afternoon calmed down slightly and following a relaxation session I managed to have a sleep prior to dinner.
This takes me to now and I am feeling a bit like I have gone 100 rounds with Mike Tyson bruised and battered emotionally if not physically. Thankfully things have gone ok with Ben and he is feeling a little happier and I have spoken to Mom and made sure she is ok, I asked my dad to give her a hug when she got home and tell her he loved her which he said he would.
I think I may now try to calm down and watch some crap on the tv and fingers crossed sleep better tonight ready to face yet another day of torture tomorrow.