I don't think today's blog will be particularly helpful to those reading but more of a release for my frustration at things that have bugged me from the last couple of days.
I gave up smoking several years ago and am now considering taking it up again you may ask why and the simple answer is so I can get some fresh air (the irony is not lost on me) either that or in this weeks ward round I will ask for five minutes four or five times a day for a non smoking time outside. The reason this has come about is that a new patient was admitted Thursday and like me has been put on bed rest however she is a smoker and is therefore allowed outside to smoke several times a day. I know it's petty and childish but it feels completely unfair especially as i requested a week or so ago in ward round to be allowed five minutes outside, if dry, to get some fresh air and was told in no uncertain terms no because this is not bed rest. Love it one rule for one and one rule for another.
Something else that has really bothered me was a regular staff member embarrassing me yesterday in the dining room. As I mentioned in a previous blog eating disorders often cause people to eat in odd ways or become ritualistic in their eating. Yesterday at dinner we had spare ribs covered in BBQ sauce, rather than pick it up first I used a knife and fork to get most of the meat off along with the sauce fully intending to then pick them up to get remaining meat off. A senior staff nurse sat next to me saw this and made no comment, nursing assistant sat down and loudly across the table told me I had to pick them up I told her that i planned to do so when they had less sauce on but was told no you need to pick them up and if I wouldn't next time I should pick the other option on the menu! With this less than helpful comment I had to walk out of the dining room before I got in to an argument and made a scene as this was unfair to other patients. The said assistant then followed me to my room at which point I let rip explaining I didn't see what the problem was how I ate the bloody things as long as I ate them, pointing out that when we have been out for a meal my dad never picks them up and therefore this was not an eating disorder thing but just a case of personal preference. The ward manager who is also a staff nurse came in and asked if I would be prepared to go back to the dining room and have a supplement, this just made matters worse as I had at no point refused to eat the meal just objected to being told how to eat it. I explained that I was totally embarrassed by the way she spoke to me so that every patient could here which was denied but it was said across the table so you tell me how this was only audible to me? I did return to the dining room and proceeded to eat the ribs as I had intended from the start under the glare of the nurse. I don't know why I'm surprised as she is always really cold towards me and never supportive.
I don't mind staff challenging me over the way I eat things if done in an appropriate manor, coming to my side and speaking to me not bellowing it from the opposite side of the table for all to hear. It's embarrassing and hard enough to be challenged over your eating as it makes you feel like you are doing something wrong and are stupid so imagine how it feels to have this done in front of other patients.
I have often been challenged on ways i eat things but often for ways I have always done and haven't been inherited from having an eating disorder, however staff don't listen to this and just assume your saying it because of the eating disorder. I wish that they would sometimes stop to think that we all have our own ways and not to always assume everything is the eating disorder especially when we feel like that's all we are and have to offer anyway, In some ways to my mind they are perpetuating our thought that we are only an eating disorder and have nothing else to offer. I wish for once they could see we are people with thoughts and feelings who unfortunately have an eating disorder we are not just an eating disorder.