I can't believe how I can be filled with such an intense anger and rage to the point I feel I am going to explode if I don't let it out. I feel like I need to scream, shout, break things, punch people and generally have some sort of outrageous outburst to release the internal feeling. The problem is because reacting like this is not acceptable I have to find another way to relieve it. This is where the problem lies the only way I know is to make myself sick as this leaves me feeling empty not just physically but also emotionally.
Yesterday was one of the days when rage was so bad I wanted to rip my own skin off because I didn't know what else to do. I was so full of hate and disgust for myself and how I looked and felt, feeling hideous, chunky and gross. However as the day went on the rage increased but I think I know why, yesterday I admitted to my named nurse that there had been several occasions while in here that I had made myself sick, not hugely but enough to feel like I had let everyone down including myself. If I can't beat this in here on one to one observations I don't stand a chance in the real world.
It was incredibly difficult to admit this as it went against what my eating disorder wanted me to do, it wants me to continue doing it and deceiving everyone but the truth is I am only deceiving myself. This caused so much internal conflict, anger and frustration this is what caused the rage to increase.
I needed to tell Ben even though I thought he would be so angry and disappointed,which after all he should be as he fought to get me in here to get better and I haven't even tried.
He was angry and disappointed but not with me with the staff in that I had been allowed the opportunity to do it. Rather than him feeling like I had let him down he felt the staff had and had especially let me down. I don't feel like this because I know how this illness can make you get away with things right under people's noses. I'm not proud of this fact but it is still true.
I wish everyone could be like Ben in his ability to deal with feelings and emotions sadly this is not the case and following a difficult visit with my parents last night I have been left feeling unable to tell them how I am feeling as they seem to believe that what I am saying is to hurt them, which of course is not the case. I can see that a lot of what I say is incredibly hard for them to hear, especially days when I say i wish I could go to sleep and not wake up. However I keep being told that I have to be honest and say how I feel, it has become clear following last nights visit that I can't do this with them as I can't deal with their reactions making me feel like I need to apologise and yet again I have disappointed them. I have managed to speak to my mom about this today as she is slightly better at dealing with things and encourages me to be honest but as I said to her you and dad come as a package and therefore in future don't ask how I am and then I will not feel the need to lie or worse still tell you the truth and be unable to deal with the reactions.
Anyway this leads me on to this morning and weigh day you may gather from my less ranty start to my blog that I lost a small amount of weight and I know it's wrong but I am so pleased. I just hope that this is the start of my weight plateauing and finally I will see it settle down so when I have a diet increase at least I will know why it's increasing, rather than at the moment when after only one small increase it has continued going up in large amounts for over six weeks. My relief was short lived as I knew the dietician would come and try to increase my diet but I had already decided I would not accept one as I want to see what happens Monday to see if it really is settling. My other reason is that I'm terrified that the vomiting will have affected it and so now the staff know I'm hoping i will be able to tell them when the urge to vomit is there and so not do it between now and Monday to see what my weight will do and if it is affected. The dietician did come but has agreed for me to wait till Monday, I asked if she thought the vomiting would have made a difference and she said no, however I am still terrified that it will have done and that my weight will jump up again on Monday. Oh and here comes the rage again!!
The only positive thing that has come from loosing weight is that prior to being weighed I checked my body to see what I thought, it still looked Far too big and my stomach still looked rounded and repulsed me and it didn't change once I knew my weight had gone down so clearly how I see myself is not always directly related to weight gain or loss otherwise I would think I looked smaller when I no i have lost weight. Not sure that makes much sense but I know what I mean.
As for Monday all I can do is wait and do my best not to vomit between now and then to get proof for myself and whatever the outcome will have to find a way of dealing with Monday when it arrives.