Saturday, 20 October 2012


Watched stand up for cancer yesterday and have to say I felt utterly disgusted with myself. Cancer is thrust upon People causing pain and suffering not only to the individual but to the family and friends who have to watch on unable to help or relieve the pain and suffering of their loved ones. These people do not choose to be ill and will accept any and all treatment they are offered grasping it with open arms in the hope of recovery. Here in lies the reason for my disgust at myself. Unlike these people I chose to have an eating disorder! (I am told that this is not the case and it is an illness, I find this hard to believe as after all I starved myself) This illness also affects those close to you in the same way as any other illness would, invoking feelings of helplessness the main difference is that I don't want to accept the treatment and ultimately therefore don't want to get better!!

It's all to do with what better means, to 'normal' people better is being healthy, able to cope and enjoy life, to me and others with an eating disorder better means failure, greed, laziness and being too big!
Welcome to the twisted world of the eating disorder brain!

While I have a million reasons to get better (more quality time with Ben, friends and family, ability to be spontaneous, finding out new likes and interests to name but a few) something stronger wants to keep me ill. The reasons to recover don't appear to be enough and I find myself wishing to stay ill despite being in hospital to undergo recovery. It's very hard to admit to those you love that although I'm here and getting help and putting on weight I don't feel like I'm ready to be well. I imagine it's all to do with the dreaded unknown again, what if I get well and I don't have people to help me anymore, what if I don't like the 'real' me, what if I find I don't actually have any interests, what if people don't like me. These thoughts fill most of my waking day and along with the screaming of the eating disorder continue to convince me that recovery is a bad idea becoming all consuming and exhausting. Once stuck in the mind set its incredibly hard to change your thinking.

I imagine it is impossible for people to understand why you would want to stay ill after all I have no idea myself. Truth is at this moment in time I have no clue as to what the eating disorder gives me that keeps me in its grasps. I can say for certain that I have come to realise that I am still well and truly in its filthy clutches. While I want to be well I am too fearful as to what that means and right now all I can see is getting bigger and bigger. In rational moments I know that eating disorders are not really about weight or food or even your size it's just the manifestation of what ever it is that your eating disorder is masking.

I hope that each weigh day my weight will have dropped and that I will once again see the concave stomach that I have grown so accustomed to because this means safety and let's face it after 12 years this is all I know.

I am just holding on to the hope that as time goes on and as my weight increases that my ability to challenge my thoughts and feeling may become possible and I will begin to embrace the thought of getting well. Along with the help of the psychologist who I am seeing each week I hope to piece together the jigsaw and discover what it is that not only caused this problem but how I then learn from this knowledge and move on and leave this crap behind


  1. Hmmm. I have to say, I'm not convinced you've 'chosen' to have an eating disorder. Certainly the different ways you find yourself thinking, the thoughts I'd put down to the disease talking - you don't choose them, the disease makes you think that way?

    Plus by the same token you could say that people who smoke all their lives sort of 'choose' lung cancer!

    I kinda understand the wanting to stay ill thing, it gives your life focus, in a weird way it makes life easy because every decision and thing you do it informed/influenced by being ill?

    It's a very valuable thing you're doing here with this blogging. Have you thought about whether it might be useful to share some of it with your psychologist/therapist?


    1. Thanks for your support, someone else asked if I had shared this with the nursing staff or therapist but I don't think I'm ready to do that yet maybe in time when I feel a little stronger. For the time being I will use it as a cathartic release for me and to hopefully help people understand the illness and it's devastating effects a little more

  2. It's a mental illness. It's a bit like saying a driver chose to steer straight off a cliff, he did after all voluntarily get in the car - but then adding that his brake cables had been cut... you're sort of being hijacked by it, your choices/feelings. Hopefully with time and help you can wrestle back that control from the disease.

    1. Valid point Becca I hope one day I will be able to see it like that. X

  3. Wow, how honest is that Becky.
    It made me really sad to read this, probably because I recognised much of it. You have an illness and it's as serious as Cancer don’t sell it short.
    Not many people realise that I suffered some dreadful demons myself. I suffered mental health problems throughout my entire 20's. I wasn’t told I was anorexic but I used to control my diet as a punishment to myself, my sister was anorexic however.
    I’m a tall lass but when I was really poorly I was 7 and a half stone. To you that’s probably quite bulky but for someone of my framework it was not so, the thought of food alone made me sick. I was in fact in a mental health hospital for quite some time. For reasons I will happily tell you about privately but I was very poorly.
    There was a trigger that made me so poorly but I didn’t deal with it and then it came to haunt me. I hadn’t realised it was a trigger until I learned to understand my problem.
    I am telling you this for a very valid reason, I did thankfully find my way out. It was a bit like a hall of mirrors but I managed to get myself out of that terrible mindset that was keeping me so ill.

    I was 29 years old and lost my Dad, wow what a massive shock. I was devastated suicidal the lot. Then it dawned on me that you’re dead a long time. I wanted to prove to my Dad that I could make him proud of me. I was determined to get my 'sorry' arse well and do something with my life that he would be very proud of. Beetle Drive UK was the result, I named my New Beetle Limo the only one in this country in honour of him 'Big Ron'. The drive to make him proud helped me to overcome all the doubts, my feelings were very much as you described.
    You may never believe me darlin' but it is possible to be well, happy, healthy and you know what that’s OK. Its a very scary process but the determination comes from you, nobody can do it for you.
    I use my knowledge and care in my occupation, it's probably exorcising demons but my job allows me to be valuable to other people and that as sad as my job is its what keeps me well and gives me the drive to carry on.
    My Dad would say, it wont always be dark at 6. It wont, that’s true sometimes its dark at 4:30 but sometimes its dark at 10:30 too.

    Keep honest to yourself, and read this back to yourself. It will make you cry too, it probably made you cry writing it. That is all part of the healing process.
    I hope you don’t think I hijacked your blog.
    Sending very positive vibes and lots of love.
    Clur XX

    1. Thank you so much for sharing your experience it certainly helps to know that demons can be beaten. How did you manage to beat it? Did you find weight gain difficult to cope with? Once you found the cause and trigger did you find it easier to change your mind set? I'm sorry to bombard you with questions but it is helpful to hear and learn from others who know exactly what the process is like. Many thanks xx

  4. I think you are so brave to be writing this blog it is absolutely essential to help not only others in the same position but also help those you love to understand you. I have been through my fair share of mental illness I was on anti-depressants for 5 years and found myself to be a self harmer, I would take over doses and when I ended up in hospital and was unable to do that I resorted to not eating and making myself sick. Once out of hospital although I was very controlling about my eating I managed to stop the being sick and go back to self harming. I was desperately sad and scared and It just seemed too hard to get better and I felt like I just didn't have it in me. I didn't want to get better I felt like depression was who I was and I had nothing else. After years of counseling and anti-depressants I can finally say that I think I've made it out the other end. Life is so truly worth living and its just a hard slog to get through an illness like this and get out the other end. I never really opened up to my therapist to tell her everything and I never opened up to my family, even though I wrote like you do I was never brave enough to share my writings. And now the people that I love can never understand me like I wish they could and as a result they can't support me and there are so many unresolved issues between us. You are so brave!!! In fact you are more than brave you are an inspiration and I hope that one day I will be brave enough to open up like you have and be honest with people and myself. Don't give up!

    1. Congratulations for finding your light at the end of the tunnel and thank you for sharing your experience with me. You have shown great bravery sharing your experience and feelings with a complete stranger and you should continue your bravery and share with your family, it will be hard and you may need to say things they don't want to hear but it is vital that they hear what needs to be said, if they love you they will understand and work through the issues with you. Only then will you be truly better and able to lay your demons to rest. Good luck and I'm always here if you need to vent. Xx