Sunday, 28 October 2012


Errr not feeling well today doctor has just been and I am the lucky owner of a mouth infection! No wonder it was hurting to bite and then swallow just waiting for antibiotics, let's hope they don't take as long as the last tablets I waited for which took 2 days!

Apart from feeling freezing cold and in pain I'm feeling quite crap in myself I feel like someone has got blocks of lard and slapped them all over my stomach, thighs, bum and arms! Just feel gross and hideous and would like to just pull the covers over me and write today off as a bad idea, and quite frankly been as though it's a Sunday I think I should be entitled to do so. I did suggest this to the staff but they seemed to disagree can't think why!
I am absolutely dreading been weighed tomorrow I feel sure that my weight is going to jump up loads from not vomiting and the fact I can see how much bigger I look and feel.

On top of all this I am feeling terribly home sick I miss Ben, George (my cat) and I miss my home and especially my bed, pillow and duvet. The air bed I have is awful it makes the loudest noise as it fills up with air and then goes down it makes a popping noise like a bowl of rice crispies - there really is no escape from bloody food- and then every time you move it makes the noise of a lilo and no sooner do you get in to a relatively comfortable position it fills with air and moves you!! Top that off with the hideous sheets and blankets and the useless pillows and your all set for a really warm, comfortable and restful nights sleep!!

I would put up with all of this if I could just be with Ben I miss him so much and I worry about him constantly, especially when he is home on his own. I know he is capable of looking after himself but I should be there to cook for him, do the washing and tidy up. I think he must feel like I keep going on about him shopping and what he has eaten and that it's just anorexia and my food obsession but it is far more than that. I know he doesn't see the point of cooking for one and so ends up eating a lot of take aways. Thank god his parents feed him some vegetables on a Sunday else I'll be visiting him in hospital when he gets survey or rickets!!
I know he misses me too and I can't imagine how hard this is for him I think people tend to forget that while this is a nightmare for me it's also incredibly hard for those left at home who have to deal with getting on with life while they know yours in on hold. Ben has often said he feels guilty going out and enjoying himself while I can't and although it is so hard for me to deal with and I worry all the time he will meet someone else I also don't want him to try to put his life on hold and mope at home, at least if he's out I don't worry about him being on his own. I cant lie and say I don't get jealous when he goes out with friends and to parties but then I have to remember even if I was at home I wouldn't have gone anyway as I wouldn't have anything to wear, and wouldn't want people to see me. So Ben would still go alone and I would still feel guilty and crap.

I asked Ben yesterday if he would rather have me in here getting bigger and not feeling like my thoughts have changed and not wanting to get well or have me at home. He didn't even need to think about it, in here, as although he misses me terribly at least there is a chance I may think and feel differently in time and he doesn't have to worry about me dropping dead whereas he would love me to be at home he could not go back to how things were.

I wish I could see things were going to get better and to think and believe we can go on to do all the fun things we used to do and all the other things we have talked about doing but at the moment I can't cope with the thought of being well and certainly don't want to get any bigger. I only hope I can stick at it long enough to see if my thoughts and feelings will change as I owe this to Ben, my family and friends. For the time being however I'm sorry to you all for not feeling this way now.


  1. It seems a bit silly if you're on bedrest anyway to not be allowed the option of a 'duvet day' now and then - fair enough, needs not to become a regular habit, but it seems a reasonable one-off! It sounds like your consultant is OK, can you ask her/him about it?

    Your description of the air mattress made me smile - I've got one exactly the same! I actually love mine now - even with the moving - because it's so much more comfortable for me than anything else, but it did take a bit of getting used to.

    I'd guess that what mattress you get is based on your Waterlow Score, this is a measure of risk of pressure sores based on a whole set of factors including BMI and whether you're bed bound/on bed rest or not - which means hopefully that you'll be able to go onto a regular mattress fairly soon if you manage to hang on to some weight.

  2. You owe this to no-one but yourself, my greatest wish and hope is that you will soon be well enough to carry on with a life that you so richly deserve, the going out, the holidays the parties and doing all the fun things you want to do. Keep fighting Bec, we love you and we are all with you every step of the way, xx

  3. Give yourself time, it's taken a long time to get where you are, it's not going to be overnight to get out of it, if you see what I mean.

    I honestly think Ben's first thought is always of you - the first things he said to me at the Chronicals premier when I said Hi were about you - he's so emensely proud of you, he knows this is so so hard for you, and while of course he misses you like mad, he's so proud that you're doing everything you can to fight this and get well xx