Thursday, 18 October 2012

Today's trauma!

Firstly let me just say no f*****g way, you have got to be kidding, I'm not doing this, this is ridiculous!! And breathe! ok so now that's out I will perhaps explain the reason for such an outburst. I know this is my second post of the day but the terror I'm feeling right now I feel I need to share.

Monday's and Thursday's are weigh days and so fairly traumatic whatever the outcome you really can't win, if you put on weight you are too fat, disgusting, lazy, the biggest person here and should be sent home straight away for wasting the nurses time. On the flip side if you don't put on or loose you are (or at least I am) filled with a great sense of relief and joy the elation is I imagine like winning the lottery however the after feeling is what I imagine it would be like to win the lottery and then realise you have left the ticket in your trouser pocked and then washed the trousers! Reason being you loose and you know the dietician will be visiting you to give you a wonderful diet increase.

So back to today and as you may guess I put on weight, but that's the pont i hear you say, well yes it is my issue is that I have been here for over 5weeks now and in all that time have been on the introductory portion for meals, drinks for morning and 8.15pm snack and drink and snack at 9.45pm snack, the only increase I have been given was the introduction of a snack with my drink for 3.15pm snack, now I appreciate that this is a fair amount more than I was keeping prior to admission but still my weight has been jumping up in large increases for every weigh day since then. Surely by now it should have settled down? I have no real basis for why I think you can do 12 years of damage to your body and then expect it to be ok after 5 weeks but that's just how I feel.
I am now at the point where I feel no ones in control and that my weights going to continue to go up and up and despite the dietician and nurses advise that it will plateau I can't see it which is filling me with fear like I have never felt before. I wish I could believe them when they say I look the same as  when i came in however I have already put on over half a stone and am not willing to believe this is    not visible as I can see the changes so vividly and drastically.                                                                      
It has been explained to me that this kind of weight gain is common as my bmi was so low, in fact   they keep reminding me that I am the  lowest bmi they have had and I should normally have been on a general medical ward. While I hear  this and the information about how I could have dropped dead  at any time and that I'm still terribly ill I'm afraid this doesn't register to me as I felt fine before I  came in and feel physically fine now all I can see if weight running away before I can cope with it.     

So in a moment of clarity I know that the reason for these feelings is because I am so I'll and that is something I  am finding very hard to deal with. I feel so alone with the way my weight is increasing.      and only wish I knew if it had happened to others at very low bmi's and how long it lasted. The   biggest fear of all I guess is the unknown. 

Anyway thanks for allowing me to have that bit of stress relief I haven't even started on today's other terror which was been partially off bed rest and allowed in to the dining room for the first time, as I  still have to face that again today and my heart is racing a the mere thought of it I will perhaps feel    stronger to talk about this tomorrow.


  1. It sounds to me that you are at an extremely low weight. Only a tiny minority of people with small handful of extremely rare genetic disorders put on weight and don't stop - and I think it's safe to say you're not one of them!

    Half a stone is, to everyone else, minuscule. Its about what I put on and off every month with my menstrual cycle. I say this, not to minimise your very huge achievement of putting it on, but to try and reassure you that you're not suddenly going to be overweight for the rest of your life.

    I believe this is described as your illness talking - it's the anorexia that's looking in the mirror and seeing something that's very far from the truth...

    Please don't think you are anything less than AMAZING. What you're doing is extremely tough - it's likened to being as hard as coming off heroin - you are being so brave and incredibly strong, we're all rooting for you - hang in there!

  2. Thanks you so much for your support and advice xx

  3. It will plateau, honestly it will. It basically can't not, with rare exceptions as mamacrow mentioned.

    Hi by the way - I'm visiting from Pistonheads. I spent 10 months in hospital/institutional care for very very different reasons than you but just wanted to offer some empathy for how hard and crap it is living to other people's routines, and away from your own space.

    1. Thanks becca it's good to know its not just me who finds it hard to be away from home and not have your own space. As you don't mention why you were hospitalised I can only hope you are now recovered or recovering, I wish you well on this anyway. X

  4. I'm disabled and had had a very nasty fall which made me get a whole lot more disabled all in one go. I needed to be in hospital initally for pain control/physio etc but they then didn't want to fund the high levels of care I needed to go home in a hurry, and so I was persuaded into "respite" for what I was assured was a 2 week placement. Finally got out of there 9 months later! There's not much recovering to be had from my physical impairment but I'm still working on sorting out the various ways my head was messed up by it all. I never was great at trusting people but now... eh. Most of them probably don't deserve my trust anyway. :)

  5. So sorry to hear that although I imagine you get sick to death with people's sympathy when trying to just get on with life. I can't imagine what it's like to have a physical impairment but can certainly appreciate what it's like not to trust people. I hope you have got someone you can trust though and if you have never let them go. Xx

    1. I suspect that different issues notwithstanding, we have probably had some VERY similar experiences - being reliant on others for your safety but not entirely wanting to be is a huge commonality even when the reasons behind it are about as different as they get.

      My support team are on balance pretty good now - there's an amazing system they call "individual budgets" which is where instead of the old model of homecare (the council sends round carers for the amount of time agreed), you get a budget worked out for how much support you need, and then spend it yourself - it means that you pick who supports you, when, what and how they do it. Unfortunately (!) I fell in love with one of them a couple of years ago - it remains mostly unrequited bar a brief fling but amiable and affectionate; she is my best friend. I trust her totally and eternally.

      Howzat for baring all online, eh?

  6. Woh that really is baring all. I agree it is difficult when you are reliant on someone else for your safety but at the same time its a huge relief and comfort. Unrequited love is tough I too have been there but at least in her you have found an amazing friend and after all they are worth their weight in gold.