Firstly let me just say no f*****g way, you have got to be kidding, I'm not doing this, this is ridiculous!! And breathe! ok so now that's out I will perhaps explain the reason for such an outburst. I know this is my second post of the day but the terror I'm feeling right now I feel I need to share.
Monday's and Thursday's are weigh days and so fairly traumatic whatever the outcome you really can't win, if you put on weight you are too fat, disgusting, lazy, the biggest person here and should be sent home straight away for wasting the nurses time. On the flip side if you don't put on or loose you are (or at least I am) filled with a great sense of relief and joy the elation is I imagine like winning the lottery however the after feeling is what I imagine it would be like to win the lottery and then realise you have left the ticket in your trouser pocked and then washed the trousers! Reason being you loose and you know the dietician will be visiting you to give you a wonderful diet increase.
So back to today and as you may guess I put on weight, but that's the pont i hear you say, well yes it is my issue is that I have been here for over 5weeks now and in all that time have been on the introductory portion for meals, drinks for morning and 8.15pm snack and drink and snack at 9.45pm snack, the only increase I have been given was the introduction of a snack with my drink for 3.15pm snack, now I appreciate that this is a fair amount more than I was keeping prior to admission but still my weight has been jumping up in large increases for every weigh day since then. Surely by now it should have settled down? I have no real basis for why I think you can do 12 years of damage to your body and then expect it to be ok after 5 weeks but that's just how I feel.
I am now at the point where I feel no ones in control and that my weights going to continue to go up and up and despite the dietician and nurses advise that it will plateau I can't see it which is filling me with fear like I have never felt before. I wish I could believe them when they say I look the same as when i came in however I have already put on over half a stone and am not willing to believe this is not visible as I can see the changes so vividly and drastically.
It has been explained to me that this kind of weight gain is common as my bmi was so low, in fact they keep reminding me that I am the lowest bmi they have had and I should normally have been on a general medical ward. While I hear this and the information about how I could have dropped dead at any time and that I'm still terribly ill I'm afraid this doesn't register to me as I felt fine before I came in and feel physically fine now all I can see if weight running away before I can cope with it.
So in a moment of clarity I know that the reason for these feelings is because I am so I'll and that is something I am finding very hard to deal with. I feel so alone with the way my weight is increasing. and only wish I knew if it had happened to others at very low bmi's and how long it lasted. The biggest fear of all I guess is the unknown.
Anyway thanks for allowing me to have that bit of stress relief I haven't even started on today's other terror which was been partially off bed rest and allowed in to the dining room for the first time, as I still have to face that again today and my heart is racing a the mere thought of it I will perhaps feel stronger to talk about this tomorrow.