Monday, 3 March 2014

Life confuses me!

I have been desperately trying to figure out a plan of action for life! Now while I appreciate each day at a time as a good moto while trying to recover from any illness especially an eating disorder it just doesn't sit well with me and my need to know what I'm doing and when I'm doing it. I get that this is in part down to my need to have control over things but equally I have been like this long before my ed even as a child I wanted to have plans and things to be right, oh maybe I should discuss this with my therapist! 

Any how in trying to plan for the future all it has done is caused more confusion than ever I just can't seem to answer the age old question what do I want to do? In truth I haven't got a clue there are lots of things I'm interested in but do or can I peruse these in to a career. I'm fascinated with criminology, but equally nursing would give me an immense amount of pleasure as would working with children. Problem is I should have been considering all these options when I was 18 not 32 but instead I decided to mess my life up with an eating disorder and go to hospital rather than uni. If I hear one more person say it's never to late I think I will scream in principal yes I agree but unfortunately life gets in the way of making monumental changes at this age for a start where the hell do I get the money from to pay for such a change in direction? All things are possible I hear you say, where there's a will there's a way so I suppose the question should really be have I got the will....

Not sure is my answer hence my confusion I think trapped is how I feel at the moment unsure of who I really am and what I truly want from the rest of my life. I would be lieing if I said I was not still struggling with the breakdown of my marriage and finding it hard to accept that life as was planned will not be that way and seeing that Ben has moved on without a second thought of me hurts. While I dont wish him to be unhappy it's hard to think he no longer thinks about me or gets sad that we're no longer together. It breaks my heart when I go to what was our house to collect various bits of post and I stand In the empty shell that was once a happy home just waiting for someone to show any interest in buying it. 

Realistically I have a lot going on trying to go through a divorce and sell a house while at the same time battling to continue gaining some wait and fight the demons that are constantly screaming in my head perhaps that is challenge enough for now and I should put life plans on hold. Pah who am I kidding I just can't live that way so for now I guess it's back to the soul searching.

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