Saturday, 7 September 2013

Scary times

So the end is in sight I am nearly at the end of my stay in day treatment and its almost time for me to be returned to the wild of reality. So how do I feel, truth is I have absolutely no idea. my emotions change on a minute by minute basis ranging from fear to excitement, sadness to happiness and almost every other emotion in between. By the time I leave I will have been in treatment for over a year and so so much has changed the thought of leaving that safe environment is nothing short of terrifying. I went in to treatment to get well to make a better life not just for me but for my relationship with Ben, we had so many plans for our future all the hard work although unbearable at times seemed totally worth while. It's amazing just how much can change in a relatively short space of time obviously Ben and i are no longer together and sadly divorce proceedings are now underway after he admitted there was no hope of reconciliation and he had become "close" to another girl. Now while this dealt me a devastating blow it was the honesty I had been asking for for months and finally gave me the courage to try to move on. Easier said than done and I feel like I'm on a roller coaster that I'd quite like to stop and get off for a while.

As its not possible to stop life at convenient moments to reflect and take a step back and look where you are and where your going I'm left with having to do just that but while the fast pace of life continues around me. A million decisions to be made and a new future to be built, it's not surprising that my head hurts!

what's next then? I'm not really sure somehow I have to start all over again build a new life in which I'm self sufficient and self reliant and able to take on life's challenges head on. That said I'm by no means alone I have got the best friends and the most amazing family without whom I would not have got to this point I would simply have given up long ago. Yet here I am still fighting, I wish I could say that it was a breeze and I get through each day without a thought of weight, shape, or Ben but that would be a lie what's changed is the way I deal with those thoughts.

I guess that's the best I can hope, for well for now at least, but I'm a million miles from where i was this time last year. I just spent another week in Ibiza with my parents and managed to go a couple of days without calorie counting, eating and drinking what I liked (albeit with some guilt and worry) and even joined in with the daily entertainment team activities on my own. There is no way I would have had the confidence to do this or the energy for that mater but in doing so I chatted to some lovely people and had some very nice comments on both my personality and even how nice I looked.

So it's with renewed confidence that I look to the future I'm not expecting miracles and I know I still have a long way to go and many challenges still to face its just now I'm better equipped to deal with them. So I'm working Saturdays back at work and have made plans for a phased and gradual return in to full time but my manager and colleagues have and continue to be an amazing sport to me not expecting anything and giving me all the time I need to get back up to speed with things. Although I do find I'm quite tired come the end of the day I'm enjoying the feeling of responsibility and doing something useful again.

Question is then, Am I ready to leave treatment?who knows but guess I'm as ready as i'll ever be.

Just have to keep in mind how far I've come and that I never want to go back :-) 


  1. Love you and your bravery xxx

  2. I am so incredibly proud of you. <3 I understand why you're scared, completely. I think you have to accept The Fear to an extent. Remaining cautious about the idea of your eating disorder getting strong again at least means you're being vigilant! Things are only going to get better now, and you've got a whole load of us looking out for you. xxx