I can't believe it the last few weeks have been hell and life has felt like it may as well have ended and while I am still struggling to comprehend what has happened and loosing Ben has devastated me I have somehow managed to keep going.
In actual fact I have turned a bit of a corner powered through and started to take back my life, I started by seeing my wonderful friends who have and continue to be a power of strength and truly amazing taking it a step further I have bitten the bullet and joined a local musical society which I was terrified at doing as I didn't know anyone but the first night went well and everyone seemed really friendly, it didn't stop there though I have also taken up ballroom, salsa and Latin American dance classes which was so much fun and gentle enough as not to tip the balance with my weight or affect my heart.
Last night I went to a BBQ and film night at a friends house and managed to eat with people without purging and these were mostly people I didn't know, I even managed a glass of wine or 2 (alright it was the entire bottle but who's counting!) I admit I felt uncomfortable and quite scared and anxious but they were all wonderful and I hope to see much more of them and get myself involved (if they'll have me!) in more things.
Food wise things are going quite well I'm still having my wobbles and occasional purge but it a million times better than it was and I'm learning about portion sizes. Diet wise it is so much better having been so terrified I would never be able to eat a 'normal' diet I am pleased to say I now have full portions for all meals, three snacks and a pudding and even more glad that it didn't make my weight rocket out of control as I had feared.
I even managed to have my first Chinese takeaway at the weekend after a practice one on the unit, I was terrified but really enjoyed it. My next challenge will be a meal out, maybe this weekend and to make the challenge even bigger I might have steak and chips!
So things seem to be getting there putting the Ben situation aside and I had good news last week I have been given a discharge date to leave inpatient care and to progress on to day care, I am shocked and terrified in case it all goes wrong but at the same time I don't think I will ever really feel ready but I am so proud that through all the nightmares I have come up against I am still here seen it through to the end and not discharged myself. So here's to the 22nd may oh and the week in Ibiza on the 24th may to celebrate.