Life confuses me!

I have been desperately trying to figure out a plan of action for life! Now while I appreciate each day at a time as a good moto while trying to recover from any illness especially an eating disorder it just doesn't sit well with me and my need to know what I'm doing and when I'm doing it. I get that this is in part down to my need to have control over things but equally I have been like this long before my ed even as a child I wanted to have plans and things to be right, oh maybe I should discuss this with my therapist! 

Any how in trying to plan for the future all it has done is caused more confusion than ever I just can't seem to answer the age old question what do I want to do? In truth I haven't got a clue there are lots of things I'm interested in but do or can I peruse these in to a career. I'm fascinated with criminology, but equally nursing would give me an immense amount of pleasure as would working with children. Problem is I should have been considering all these options when I was 18 not 32 but instead I decided to mess my life up with an eating disorder and go to hospital rather than uni. If I hear one more person say it's never to late I think I will scream in principal yes I agree but unfortunately life gets in the way of making monumental changes at this age for a start where the hell do I get the money from to pay for such a change in direction? All things are possible I hear you say, where there's a will there's a way so I suppose the question should really be have I got the will....

Not sure is my answer hence my confusion I think trapped is how I feel at the moment unsure of who I really am and what I truly want from the rest of my life. I would be lieing if I said I was not still struggling with the breakdown of my marriage and finding it hard to accept that life as was planned will not be that way and seeing that Ben has moved on without a second thought of me hurts. While I dont wish him to be unhappy it's hard to think he no longer thinks about me or gets sad that we're no longer together. It breaks my heart when I go to what was our house to collect various bits of post and I stand In the empty shell that was once a happy home just waiting for someone to show any interest in buying it. 

Realistically I have a lot going on trying to go through a divorce and sell a house while at the same time battling to continue gaining some wait and fight the demons that are constantly screaming in my head perhaps that is challenge enough for now and I should put life plans on hold. Pah who am I kidding I just can't live that way so for now I guess it's back to the soul searching.

Hello 2014

I didn't realise just how long it had been since I last wrote anything but as they say time flys when your having fun. So it's been four months since I left treatment in Birmingham and returned to the care of my local team, despite some reservations on their ability I'm actually getting on well with my cpn and she is being both helpful and supportive. Life has been a mixed bag of late some good, some bad and some down right challenging.

My weight unfortunately has dropped and prior to christmas there was the threat of another inpatient stay but this time somewhere as far afield as Grimsby! However in true Boo fashion I managed to knuckle down put on a little weight and kept the doors to another hell hole firmly closed. I wish I could say that the threat isn't still looming but I'm fighting to get back to where I was, I've even realised that I prefer the way I both looked and felt at a heavier weight, all I need to do now is quieten the voice in my head that still encourages me to purge, easy then!

That aside life has been ok I'm still working a few hours a week but due to the weight loss haven't been able to increase as yet but at least I'm still out there giving landlords and tenants a hard time! I seem to have mastered the art of socialising thanks to the help of my amazing and supportive friends and now regularly meet up with them and have even managed to eat out in a large group several times, an every day task for most I know but a whopping great mountain was climbed for me.

My best friend sadly split from his fiancée and so we have been seeking solace in each other's company wallowing at times over our losses and sinking in a pit of self blame but for the most laughing at life and the crap it's thrown us getting out and having some well deserved fun. It's fair to say he has and continues to be my rock and I love him to the moon and back.

So that brings me nicely on to the subject of Ben, hmmmmm what can I say on that? Well the divorce is progressing and he has now moved in to a house with his girlfriend leaving our house on the market for sale. I still have days when I could cry for England over my loss and miss him desperately but most of the time I reflect on our time together and realise things were not all they seemed and that I'm not solely to blame for the situation were now in, other days Im so angry I could smash his face in better hope when I see him Friday to sort our joint stuff out I'm not having one of those days! As for his new girlfriend well despite the fact that she was living in my house and sleeping in my bed with my husband (ok we were split but you get the point!) I still managed when I walked in on her casually sitting in bed not to drag her out of the house by her hair and beat her to a pulp, even I'm amazed at the restraint I've shown but then neither of them are worth a criminal record!

Well that's a short snippet of the last few months I would have mentioned the persessive stalker I acquired in the interests of time I'll leave that for my next post.

Scary times

So the end is in sight I am nearly at the end of my stay in day treatment and its almost time for me to be returned to the wild of reality. So how do I feel, truth is I have absolutely no idea. my emotions change on a minute by minute basis ranging from fear to excitement, sadness to happiness and almost every other emotion in between. By the time I leave I will have been in treatment for over a year and so so much has changed the thought of leaving that safe environment is nothing short of terrifying. I went in to treatment to get well to make a better life not just for me but for my relationship with Ben, we had so many plans for our future all the hard work although unbearable at times seemed totally worth while. It's amazing just how much can change in a relatively short space of time obviously Ben and i are no longer together and sadly divorce proceedings are now underway after he admitted there was no hope of reconciliation and he had become "close" to another girl. Now while this dealt me a devastating blow it was the honesty I had been asking for for months and finally gave me the courage to try to move on. Easier said than done and I feel like I'm on a roller coaster that I'd quite like to stop and get off for a while.

As its not possible to stop life at convenient moments to reflect and take a step back and look where you are and where your going I'm left with having to do just that but while the fast pace of life continues around me. A million decisions to be made and a new future to be built, it's not surprising that my head hurts!

what's next then? I'm not really sure somehow I have to start all over again build a new life in which I'm self sufficient and self reliant and able to take on life's challenges head on. That said I'm by no means alone I have got the best friends and the most amazing family without whom I would not have got to this point I would simply have given up long ago. Yet here I am still fighting, I wish I could say that it was a breeze and I get through each day without a thought of weight, shape, or Ben but that would be a lie what's changed is the way I deal with those thoughts.

I guess that's the best I can hope, for well for now at least, but I'm a million miles from where i was this time last year. I just spent another week in Ibiza with my parents and managed to go a couple of days without calorie counting, eating and drinking what I liked (albeit with some guilt and worry) and even joined in with the daily entertainment team activities on my own. There is no way I would have had the confidence to do this or the energy for that mater but in doing so I chatted to some lovely people and had some very nice comments on both my personality and even how nice I looked.

So it's with renewed confidence that I look to the future I'm not expecting miracles and I know I still have a long way to go and many challenges still to face its just now I'm better equipped to deal with them. So I'm working Saturdays back at work and have made plans for a phased and gradual return in to full time but my manager and colleagues have and continue to be an amazing sport to me not expecting anything and giving me all the time I need to get back up to speed with things. Although I do find I'm quite tired come the end of the day I'm enjoying the feeling of responsibility and doing something useful again.

Question is then, Am I ready to leave treatment?who knows but guess I'm as ready as i'll ever be.

Just have to keep in mind how far I've come and that I never want to go back :-) 

A good weekend

After weeks of struggling to cope with loosing so much and finding life in day care quite hard at times a good weekend was a welcome change. I sang with the operatic society I have joined on Saturday as part of the Lichfield festival, the sun shone beautifully and I'm told the singing wasn't bad either. It was so nice to be out and doing something that I truly love. I find singing gives me freedom from eating disorder thoughts which if only for small amounts of time feels amazing and gives me a huge buzz. My parents came along as well as my good friend tim and we spent a lovely afternoon at the festival, well in a beer garden. I then spent a childish couple of hours at the cinema watching despicable me with tim which made me chuckle.

Im pleased to say Sunday continued in the same vain the sun shone and with my parents, sister and brother in law we went to the new pub that has opened where we had been invited for a free meal and two free drinks each as part of their pre opening training day. Now I admit that this was more of a challenge as weatherspoons put the calories on everything which made my choice really hard as I was massively governed by that and not by really what I wanted i had already looked at the menu on line and chosen something in advance but when I got there found it was a limited menu and surprise surprise what i chose wasn't on there, i had a moment of panic and said I couldn't do it and would eat at home however a few deep breaths and a talk with mother soon set me back into calmer thinking that enabled me to make a decision Choosing a chicken burger and salad, which I have to say was very nice, I even managed to force down a beer and a glass of wine. I spent the remainder of the afternoon sitting in the garden topping up my tan before heading off to ballroom dancing with mom.

Dancing was fun but the hall was crazy hot and I think I sweat half a stone off! To make up for it though I met up with three good friends and along with my parents went along to a charity quiz night and rock and roll bingo and forced down a few vodkas and a beer or two (only to replace what I lost dancing you understand) it was a fun night even if we were crap at the quiz coming last but we did win at rock and roll bingo so yay us!

All in all a lovely weekend helped along by beautiful weather and amazing friends.

Another step

So I finally left my home on the ward to face the real world for a while. Well real world been a week in Ibiza which was amazing, stressful at times and although there were several times when I felt overwhelmed by it all I still carried on and had a fab holiday. Now I'm back to reality and I have started daycare which is 8am till 4pm Monday to Friday so far its going ok it's a lot different to the unit but I think I needed that, it's far more relaxed and certainly less intense.
I had a dreaded birthday yesterday which I'm not great with at the best of times as I always feel like its another year of my life I've wasted having an eating disorder, however while there were certainly elements of that thinking yesterday this year at least I can hold my hands up honestly and say I'm fighting it and making progress on my journey.
I took a huge step last night and arranged to go out for a meal not just with my parents but also with several very good friends I admit I was terrified at the thought of eating with them but I never the less faced my fear and had a really good time. I went back to my friends house and watched a DVD and it was lovely to feel special on my birthday and that was down to them. I did have a wobble where I got upset about Ben, its the first birthday in 12 years without him or even a card and that was hard to face. I am still missing him desperately and trying to find a way through but it is not an easy task. However I have some amazing friends who are supporting and loving me and I couldn't ask for more.
So this Saturday I'm really challenging myself and I'm holding a BBQ to which I have invited lots of people and I am raising money for Macmillan and also for the unit which was my home for almost nine months, just my way of giving something back to them for giving me back my life. The second big challenge of the day however will be me going back to work, I will be working just Saturdays for the time being and while I am excited to be going back I am terrified. I'm scared on several levels, what people will say to me about how I look, scared about not remembering what to do or finding that everything's changed and scared of eating not just lunch but also snacks. Oh well guess I will just have to continue as I have been, feeling the fear and doing it anyway.

An end in sight

I can't believe it the last few weeks have been hell and life has felt like it may as well have ended and while I am still struggling to comprehend what has happened and loosing Ben has devastated me I have somehow managed to keep going.
In actual fact I have turned a bit of a corner powered through and started to take back my life, I started by seeing my wonderful friends who have and continue to be a power of strength and truly amazing taking it a step further I have bitten the bullet and joined a local musical society which I was terrified at doing as I didn't know anyone but the first night went well and everyone seemed really friendly, it didn't stop there though I have also taken up ballroom, salsa and Latin American dance classes which was so much fun and gentle enough as not to tip the balance with my weight or affect my heart.

Last night I went to a BBQ and film night at a friends house and managed to eat with people without purging and these were mostly people I didn't know, I even managed a glass of wine or 2 (alright it was the entire bottle but who's counting!) I admit I felt uncomfortable and quite scared and anxious but they were all wonderful and I hope to see much more of them and get myself involved (if they'll have me!) in more things.

Food wise things are going quite well I'm still having my wobbles and occasional purge but it a million times better than it was and I'm learning about portion sizes. Diet wise it is so much better having been so terrified I would never be able to eat a 'normal' diet I am pleased to say I now have full portions for all meals, three snacks and a pudding and even more glad that it didn't make my weight rocket out of control as I had feared.
I even managed to have my first Chinese takeaway at the weekend after a practice one on the unit, I was terrified but really enjoyed it. My next challenge will be a meal out, maybe this weekend and to make the challenge even bigger I might have steak and chips!

So things seem to be getting there putting the Ben situation aside and I had good news last week I have been given a discharge date to leave inpatient care and to progress on to day care, I am shocked and terrified in case it all goes wrong but at the same time I don't think I will ever really feel ready but I am so proud that through all the nightmares I have come up against I am still here seen it through to the end and not discharged myself. So here's to the 22nd may oh and the week in Ibiza on the 24th may to celebrate.

Destroyed!

I feel like my world has been destroyed and the one thing I was sure of has been ripped away.

I went on leave on Wednesday and went home to talk to Ben as I feared the outcome was not what I wanted but what I had feared, we talked, shouted, cried, and then fell asleep in each others arms, it was at that point that I thought we had a chance, I was wrong. Ben told me that he was going to Devon for a couple of days to join his parents who were there on holiday as he needed space to think and get his head straight but if I asked him for a decision there and then I wouldn't like the answer.

I was distraught so I called a taxi as I couldn't face watching him drive away, I spent the next couple of days at mom and dads inconsolable and very confused. Ben txt me several times the first to say he was going away to make sure he was staying with me for the right reasons and not leaving for the wrong! This just confused me even more than I was! There were several other texts each one ended with "I love you xx" I felt like maybe there was hope that a break away would recharge him and we would be ok.

Yet again I was wrong, he returned on Saturday and after a lovely afternoon with my girlfriends they dropped me back at the house. I was so scared I felt like my heart was in my mouth sick and terrified of what he would say.

We tiptoed about for the first five minutes or so making general conversation about this and that until he announced that he couldn't drag it on any longer and wanted out. It's fair to say my upset turned to anger and I yelled at him that he was a lier that he didn't love me because if he did he wouldn't be walking away. I told him the day we got married was a complete lie as his vows clearly meant nothing in sickness and in health till death us part well they clearly mean nothing to him and therefore I can only assume he is a lier. I tried to smash the wedding picture on the wall but Ben took it off me so I removed another and smashed it and told him by the time I got back I wanted him gone at that point I left walked round the corner and collapsed on to the floor in an inconsolable state and waited for mom to get me.

Mom bundled me in to the car and we got half way to hers and I said I wanted to go back, part of me hoped he would be there and have decided after all I had said that he did love me and couldn't be without me I was wrong he had gone and his actions clearly spoke volumes to me what had he taken? The computer and his new camera! Proved to me what his priorities are.

So I have spent the last week inconsolably crying, feeling destroyed and confused. Despite me asking several times for an explanation as to why and why now he refuses to give me one. The only thing he txt me was that it would never have been a good time but now I'm stronger I will hopefully be more able to cope!! Cheers Ben so I've picked myself up started to make real progress and then you pull the rug from underneath me and knock me back down.

As he refuses to give me the answers I need I am left to only make assumptions, I have come to the conclusion that me getting better threatened the life he had not only got while I was in hospital but the life he had had for a year or so prior to my admission. I have never stopped him doing anything I stood by him when he wanted to start his own business despite us being financially crippled and almost loosing the house because it was his dream and was determined to make a go of it and I had faith in him, he has continued to be part of his theatre groups and gone out with friends on nights out often not even coming home. Through all of this I have stood by never telling him he couldn't do them and continued to cook and clean and not really asking anything from him in return. His life style was not massively affected by me being in hospital he continued to do all the things he did before and I always told him to put himself and work first and that I would understand if he couldn't come and visit, I even told him not to come at weekends so he had time for himself. Well what a bloody mistake that was over the last few months he has come less and less to the point that even some members of staff have commented on him not being here, he has gone out more and more and continued to post photos of him out and about drinking and cavorting with friends without a thought to how they might make me feel but I put up with it as I thought that I was doing all I could to ensure we could enjoy things together. He has effectively led a single mans life but with a wife who would cook and clean and not really ask for anything in return. The time that I ask for something and he decides he now can't cope and so buggers off!!
I now think that he realised that with me getting better I would want to be involved in his life wanting to go out with him and spend time as a couple and this would interfere with his own social life which I'm not part of. I did tell him this and asked him why he didn't invite me he said that I never wanted to go or couldn't face people which is true but I have been making changes and I pointed out how would he know if he didn't ask. The point is he didn't ask and I foolishly didn't just invite myself or tell him not to go so we could do stuff together I suppose I was too scared to stop him doing stuff incase he resented me for it how wrong was I.

So what now? In truth I have no idea it is still so very raw and I am desperately hurt, angry, confused and more importantly heart broken. Ben is the love of my life but more than that I thought he was my soul mate and best friend but a wise man told me (my dad) someone can only be a soul mate if they feel the same. Until now I thought he did feel the same and that he wanted the future we planned together, the future I've been fighting seven months for us to have.

It's a mess were married, have a house and mortgage together, debts together and most importantly a cat!! What happens now I really don't know where I live and how the hell I start rebuilding a life I don't know. I didn't think at almost 32 I would be starting all over again, all I have known for the last 12 years is Ben every happy memory is of him and my reason for living has been him and I'm not sure how to face a future without him, until this last week I have not gone a single day in 12 years without speaking to him and I have gone from that to a future when I never see or speak to him again. I'm so scared and don't have any idea what to do, I am just so thankful I have truly amazing friends and family who are supporting, loving and guiding me through this who without I would not be here.