So that was Christmas and what a wonderful day it was I am so proud of myself that I made it through the day and didn't vomit once. I wish I could say it had all gone without any stress and tears but I can't as there were several.
Dinner was at mom and dads and although we had worked it out with the dietician I still really struggled to accept that what was in front of me wasn't more than I should have been having as it looked really big on my plate and convinced me it was more than I would be I having if I was on the unit. It didn't detract however that it tasted amazing and made me realise that my taste is starting to really improve. I didn't freak out that times of meals were vastly different and was flexible to have pudding instead of an afternoon snack as we didn't have dinner till 3pm when my sister came home from work. Tea didn't happen till around 9pm and although this was also stressful it was progress as before I would never even consider eating a meal at this time.
I managed several glasses of light wine and two glasses of sherry, I only managed a few sips of the vat of sherry produced by my father in law at their house on Christmas morning though!!
The best part of the day was getting to sleep in my own bed and to curl up to Ben and then wake up the next morning next to him. I didn't even get annoyed when George (the cat) woke me up in the night by sitting on my head!! Curling was exceptionally nice as prior to my admission I couldn't do this due to the severe swelling of my legs.
Boxing day was good, Ben and I had breakfast together and I really tried to not get stressed when he was in the kitchen at the same time as me and even allowed him to put my toast in for me, something I would not even consider before. I did panic that I had way too much milk on my weetabix but still managed not to vomit. After a coffee at mom and dads we went to hobby craft and then home for lunch. I decided to have chunky steak and potato soup and found it really filling and did panic that I was having too much and that I would get more calories from it as it was liquid not solid and it would therefore not burn as many digesting it, but after a bowl of fresh fruit we went it to town to have a mooch in the sales. Still managing not to vomit and even sitting with Ben to eat and was able to discuss how I was feeling about the food and why I was so scared.
On the way home for lunch I asked Ben how he had found dinner the previous day and breakfast and was upset that he thought the relationship was still quite one sided and that it still revolved around food especially as I had really tried to take on board the things from prior to my admission that he had told me bothered him and to not do them even letting him sit with me for lunch and had really tried to be more normal and more flexible.
In town Ben brought me a jumper, hat and I even got a dress. The dress is slightly big at the moment but maybe in time I will fill out and it will be ok. We stopped for a coffee and snack in Starbucks and even though I had checked calories and worked out what to have in advance I was shocked that by the time I got to ordering it I was physically shaking like a leaf, I couldn't get my words out when trying to order and then couldn't get my money out of my purse because my hands were shaking so much, the poor guy must of thought I was a complete freak!!
Ben wondered what the hell was wrong but I couldn't explain, I think there were a couple of reasons. One reason was that I was convinced that they had given me something more than what I had asked for and that I hadn't worked out the calories properly, However I think a big factor was that it would be the first time in over twelve years that I had ordered something with the intention of actually eating and drinking it without vomiting.
I hate the fact that I was so reliant on calorie counting especially as I no from the nutrition group that they are a complete load of rubbish as they can be up to 30% wrong and you will never get the same amount of calories from a product each time you have it. It all depends in what your doing, what else you have eaten, temperature and a whole host of other reasons. That aside it Was the only way I could get through the days as I really can't rely on judging potion sizes as everything seems too big.
I returned to the unit for dinner which was another ruddy buffet although this was slightly easier to deal with having faced it the other day. The hard part was just having to return and what was even harder to admit was that while I had done ok and didint want to come back I know that I still need to be here based on the amount of time that food still dictated my life,not eating it now but still thinking about it, working out numbers and worrying about the next meal. My leave really highlighted areas I still need to be working on to progress.
I thought I had done ok and was proud of the way I coped even through the struggles and having to ask repeatedly if I had had to much or worked things out correctly. So it really through me when I had a big weight jump on Thursday as all I could think was that I had had way to much on my leave had not worked things out right and was greedy. Despite having had a small diet increase which was to have an extra slice of toast with breakfast I don't believe that this would have caused the jump. It totally through me and has really scared me that i can't go on leave because I eat and drink too much and should have been sick to reduce what I had without the need not to have it!! It has scared me so much that it really effected my request for leave for the new year as I will be too scared to drink any wine incase it gives me a huge weight gain again.
To make matters worse the dietician wasn't in, again! Apparently ill (more like skiverlitus if you ask me due to the excesses of Xmas and boxing day!) never the less though I was left to totally freak out. I did manage to talk with the day care dietician although it didn't help much as she didn't really know about my weight gain history but she did try and has agreed to come and see me on Monday if Our dietician isn't back.
Despite my fear I did request exceptional leave for new year and was granted 1pm on new years eve until 5pm new years day I'm just unsure of how I will cope if I want to have a drink as I am terrified of how my weight will be effected. I am dreading being weighed on Monday and how it will effect my leave if it has jumped up again but I know all I can do is wait.
Friday, 28 December 2012
Monday, 24 December 2012
Am I psychotic?
I'm guessing I must be as they gave me an anti psychotic drug last night, oh no wait that was just given to me by accident!!!! Can you believe a nurse in charge actually gave me the wrong medication even after I questioned the tablet as i didn't recognise it as one I normally had. She then took out the box and popped a second one out so I assumed they were just a different make so took it. It was only when I said that it was not the same as the one from the previous night and that maybe two boxes were open that I looked in the drug cupboard to discover instead of giving me omeprazole she had actually given me olanzapine. To say I went nuts would be an understanding, i was fuming and terrified because I had no idea it was.
The nurse said she would call the duty doctor and I made her give me the drug info sheet but was crying so hard I couldn't read it. One of the regular staff members came to me and she was amazing she was so caring and really tried to calm me down. I desperately wanted to make myself sick but at the same time we had just had snacks and I didn't want to mess my weight up.
I had my obs checked and my pulse was sky high and blood pressure was through the roof, the staff nurse asked me to lie down as my blood pressure was so high what the hell did she expect it to be the state I was in.
I was told that all it would do was make me sleep and they assured me that it wouldn't make me put on weight based on one tablet of the lowest dose but I still demanded to see the doctor myself especially as it says consult doctor if you are epileptic.
Saw the doctor who assured me any allergic reaction would would have happened within the first 30 - 60 minutes and that it would just make me sleep.
Ben went crazy and phoned the ward he admitted he was quite drunk so not sure how well the conversation would have gone but he was just angry like me.
Fingers crossed it didn't appear to have much of an effect and I still woke up several times in the night but then couldn't wake up after I went back to bed after being weighed. Got woken up at 8.12am giving me three minutes till breakfast, great!!!!
Oh well will speak to Ben later to see if I should make a formal complaint or just a verbal complaint to be handled by the team here as well as the bank staffs manager.
Good news though my weight looks like it might have finally plateaued ( touch wood, fingers crossed, hope I don't jinx it etc etc....) so have agreed to a small diet increase starting tomorrow by way of another slice of toast with breakfast. I am terrified this will make my weight go up loads on Thursday and that it will effect what I eat on my leave. All I can do though for the next couple of days is my best and try not to beat myself up if things don't go exactly to plan after all leave should be about fun not food.
On that note Merry Christmas xxxx
The nurse said she would call the duty doctor and I made her give me the drug info sheet but was crying so hard I couldn't read it. One of the regular staff members came to me and she was amazing she was so caring and really tried to calm me down. I desperately wanted to make myself sick but at the same time we had just had snacks and I didn't want to mess my weight up.
I had my obs checked and my pulse was sky high and blood pressure was through the roof, the staff nurse asked me to lie down as my blood pressure was so high what the hell did she expect it to be the state I was in.
I was told that all it would do was make me sleep and they assured me that it wouldn't make me put on weight based on one tablet of the lowest dose but I still demanded to see the doctor myself especially as it says consult doctor if you are epileptic.
Saw the doctor who assured me any allergic reaction would would have happened within the first 30 - 60 minutes and that it would just make me sleep.
Ben went crazy and phoned the ward he admitted he was quite drunk so not sure how well the conversation would have gone but he was just angry like me.
Fingers crossed it didn't appear to have much of an effect and I still woke up several times in the night but then couldn't wake up after I went back to bed after being weighed. Got woken up at 8.12am giving me three minutes till breakfast, great!!!!
Oh well will speak to Ben later to see if I should make a formal complaint or just a verbal complaint to be handled by the team here as well as the bank staffs manager.
Good news though my weight looks like it might have finally plateaued ( touch wood, fingers crossed, hope I don't jinx it etc etc....) so have agreed to a small diet increase starting tomorrow by way of another slice of toast with breakfast. I am terrified this will make my weight go up loads on Thursday and that it will effect what I eat on my leave. All I can do though for the next couple of days is my best and try not to beat myself up if things don't go exactly to plan after all leave should be about fun not food.
On that note Merry Christmas xxxx
Sunday, 23 December 2012
Shut up please!!!!
Not blogged for a few days because the endless screaming in my own head has been relentless and I have had very few moments when I would have been able to write anything resembling either constructive or sentence like.
It started Thursday with the dreaded weigh in which luckily my weight didn't really do much however this meant that the dietician came looking to discuss how we move forward. I said that I was concerned that if I had an increase and my weight went up lots Monday how it would impact on my leave and if this would trigger me to either restrict my intake or eat and purge. She agreed to wait till Monday to see what happened but did say that if it wasn't for Xmas I would have had the increase but I'm glad that she listened to my concerns even if they were anorexic based. I am now however petrified that my weight will jump up again tomorrow anyway and I'm not sure how I will cope.
Next trauma came in the shape of the buffet which was horrendous! For a start it didn't turn up on time and so we didn't have lunch till 1pm which just meant an extra half an hour wait to get more and more anxious. We all had to go in and select either four or six items depending on which portion you were on, it all looked amazing and my gut reaction was to still want it all, I wanted all the nice looking sandwiches the cheese, the egg the roast chicken salad the samosas the mini eggs I just wanted it all but only if I could get rid of it after. The harsh realisation came because I realised two things, the first being how much I am still stuck in the eat as much as you want and purge it mind set but the second how much eating to keep means having a really restricted diet. Despite the choice of the nice sandwiches I chose two ham on brown one on white and a plain chicken on white with some salad on the side, talk about a bloody cop out. I was so disappointed in myself that I couldn't challenge myself to try something new but as the staff pointed out to me several times I had already achieved more than they expected as they didn't even think they would get me in the dining room.
One of the patients is still causing issues on the unit. They make really inappropriate comments and constantly analyse your choice of snacks and meals making comments about how certain items have more or less calories than others and just generally been really unhelpful. They hover around the snack list making an already difficult choice even harder when you think they are watching what your picking and judging you for it. The only saving grace is that they are moving her to another unit as she needs a different kind of care for the other issues she has apart from the anorexia. It's harsh but roll on the seventh January when she goes. Until then though it is getting increasingly difficult to rise above the situation without lashing out at her or someone else.
Have been feeling really huge. Mom brought in some black trousers for me to see if she could alter them and a new checked top so I had something new to wear on Xmas day, then my jeans that I ordered along with a checked shirt arrived and I love them. The jeans were too big so mom said she would take them in I was so excited at the thought of new things to wear and in my head they were going to look good and give me a bit of a confidence boost. Oh dear!!! Mom brought them back for me to try yesterday but they looked stupid, the black trousers looked like they had a crease down the back that had been ironed in the Wong place and they was a huge bump in the back of the jeans, I was so disappointed as they looked nothing like I wanted them to look. So didn't mean to sound ungrateful as I know my mom will have done the best she possibly could to get them right for me but the truth is I won't look like I want in them because I don't have the figure I want.
I was also upset because Ben went to the German market with friends on Friday night and I saw a photo on face book and he looked so happy and this is something I have been unable to do for a long time. They then all went back to our house and drank and played games till about 3am. I hate the fact that I was so jealous one because they were in my house and not me and the main reason was because Ben was getting yet another glimpse of what life would be like to be with someone who was not so screwed up.
This bothered me so much so that I told him not to come yesterday and to get done what he needed to as I didn't want to say anything and come across as completely paranoid and untrusting as I do trust him it's just really difficult being stuck in here while life goes on without you.
So now it's Sunday and the dreaded weigh day is looming I'm already panicking and feeling ill at the thought. All I want to do is say head shut up please!!!!
It started Thursday with the dreaded weigh in which luckily my weight didn't really do much however this meant that the dietician came looking to discuss how we move forward. I said that I was concerned that if I had an increase and my weight went up lots Monday how it would impact on my leave and if this would trigger me to either restrict my intake or eat and purge. She agreed to wait till Monday to see what happened but did say that if it wasn't for Xmas I would have had the increase but I'm glad that she listened to my concerns even if they were anorexic based. I am now however petrified that my weight will jump up again tomorrow anyway and I'm not sure how I will cope.
Next trauma came in the shape of the buffet which was horrendous! For a start it didn't turn up on time and so we didn't have lunch till 1pm which just meant an extra half an hour wait to get more and more anxious. We all had to go in and select either four or six items depending on which portion you were on, it all looked amazing and my gut reaction was to still want it all, I wanted all the nice looking sandwiches the cheese, the egg the roast chicken salad the samosas the mini eggs I just wanted it all but only if I could get rid of it after. The harsh realisation came because I realised two things, the first being how much I am still stuck in the eat as much as you want and purge it mind set but the second how much eating to keep means having a really restricted diet. Despite the choice of the nice sandwiches I chose two ham on brown one on white and a plain chicken on white with some salad on the side, talk about a bloody cop out. I was so disappointed in myself that I couldn't challenge myself to try something new but as the staff pointed out to me several times I had already achieved more than they expected as they didn't even think they would get me in the dining room.
One of the patients is still causing issues on the unit. They make really inappropriate comments and constantly analyse your choice of snacks and meals making comments about how certain items have more or less calories than others and just generally been really unhelpful. They hover around the snack list making an already difficult choice even harder when you think they are watching what your picking and judging you for it. The only saving grace is that they are moving her to another unit as she needs a different kind of care for the other issues she has apart from the anorexia. It's harsh but roll on the seventh January when she goes. Until then though it is getting increasingly difficult to rise above the situation without lashing out at her or someone else.
Have been feeling really huge. Mom brought in some black trousers for me to see if she could alter them and a new checked top so I had something new to wear on Xmas day, then my jeans that I ordered along with a checked shirt arrived and I love them. The jeans were too big so mom said she would take them in I was so excited at the thought of new things to wear and in my head they were going to look good and give me a bit of a confidence boost. Oh dear!!! Mom brought them back for me to try yesterday but they looked stupid, the black trousers looked like they had a crease down the back that had been ironed in the Wong place and they was a huge bump in the back of the jeans, I was so disappointed as they looked nothing like I wanted them to look. So didn't mean to sound ungrateful as I know my mom will have done the best she possibly could to get them right for me but the truth is I won't look like I want in them because I don't have the figure I want.
I was also upset because Ben went to the German market with friends on Friday night and I saw a photo on face book and he looked so happy and this is something I have been unable to do for a long time. They then all went back to our house and drank and played games till about 3am. I hate the fact that I was so jealous one because they were in my house and not me and the main reason was because Ben was getting yet another glimpse of what life would be like to be with someone who was not so screwed up.
This bothered me so much so that I told him not to come yesterday and to get done what he needed to as I didn't want to say anything and come across as completely paranoid and untrusting as I do trust him it's just really difficult being stuck in here while life goes on without you.
So now it's Sunday and the dreaded weigh day is looming I'm already panicking and feeling ill at the thought. All I want to do is say head shut up please!!!!
Wednesday, 19 December 2012
Good news at last!!
Woo hoo!! I got leave for Christmas I will be leaving the prison at 9am Christmas day and not returning till 5.30pm on boxing day I am so excited I could burst!! As always though eating disorder has reared it's ugly head to try to spoil it filling my thoughts with the idea that I am obviously now well and shouldn't be here as I am one of the only patients to get leave. This was not helped last night by one of the staff nurses telling me having my physical observations done twice a day was pointless if I was now getting leave, this made me feel like I was fine and that there was no concern over my health and that I was a fake for being here, as if I didn't hate her enough as it was.
While I am excited I am also petrified. I am worried in case I don't cope and make myself sick or that everyone will see me eat weirdly and think badly of me. I am so scared that the temptation to eat lots will be too strong and so I will end up vomiting. I just hope that with a plan in place I will be able to control myself and resist the urge to eat more than I feel I should, panic and then make myself sick.
Plan for boxing day is also quite exciting, shopping!! I don't really want to buy anything but I haven't been in shops for so long I just want to have a mooch in the sales. I just don't want to sit around all day as that's all I do here. Plan is to have a sandwich in town if I am able if not a backup is going to be in the shape of a pre made one I will take with me. Scary thing is coming back to the unit only to then be faced with a Buffett.
Talking of which for some bizarre reason we are having a Buffett lunch today. I am so scared as I will want to try everything and eat loads as that's always been my past experience. I think the staff supervise what you take and make sure you have enough but not too much but I am still terrified.
Quite a busy day today which is good as I did pretty much bugger all yesterday! Fingers crossed Ben is coming later and my parents and sister tonight, good times.
While I am excited I am also petrified. I am worried in case I don't cope and make myself sick or that everyone will see me eat weirdly and think badly of me. I am so scared that the temptation to eat lots will be too strong and so I will end up vomiting. I just hope that with a plan in place I will be able to control myself and resist the urge to eat more than I feel I should, panic and then make myself sick.
Plan for boxing day is also quite exciting, shopping!! I don't really want to buy anything but I haven't been in shops for so long I just want to have a mooch in the sales. I just don't want to sit around all day as that's all I do here. Plan is to have a sandwich in town if I am able if not a backup is going to be in the shape of a pre made one I will take with me. Scary thing is coming back to the unit only to then be faced with a Buffett.
Talking of which for some bizarre reason we are having a Buffett lunch today. I am so scared as I will want to try everything and eat loads as that's always been my past experience. I think the staff supervise what you take and make sure you have enough but not too much but I am still terrified.
Quite a busy day today which is good as I did pretty much bugger all yesterday! Fingers crossed Ben is coming later and my parents and sister tonight, good times.
Still mental, not dead!!
I haven't blogged for a few days because so much has been going on with issues on the unit that my head has been all over the place and I haven't really been able to think straight enough to succinctly get it out in writing, however I thought I would give it a go today but apologies if it is still somewhat of a ramble.
Tensions on the unit between certain patients have been really bad and came to a head on Sunday night when a particular comment upset a patient so much that she flipped out and ended up in A&E with two fractured knuckles having punched a wall several times!!
The tensions seem to stem from a clash of personalities between two of the patients but rather than them just accepting they will never get on they continue to made snide comments and generally keep going at each other this however causes all the other patients to become involved as it is done in communal areas and so affects everyone. I have tried several times to raise issues in support group but one of the patients involved doesn't bother to come to the group, despite it being compulsory, this in itself raises the tension as it yet again seems like one rule for one and one rule for another.
It feels like I'm back at school with all the childish playground behaviour that has been going on what with she said this and she said that it's like really are we still at this level! While I accept that this illness does make you child like in many ways this situation really does feel like deliberate attention seeking childish behaviour for which I wish to have no part. I have to keep reminding myself that all the other patients are much younger than me, all around 18 but still we are all supposedly adults never the less. I think I struggle with it more though because seeing the attitude in certain patients reminds me of my second admission to a unit and I was just like that so its hard to see without wanting to tell them to stop other wise they will still be titting about with the illness 13 years later like me.
My solution to avoid the issues is to continue to try to keep myself to myself and stay in my room out of the way, this was working ok until my name got dragged in to a conversation regarding patients levels of thinness and this was disclosed to me on Monday morning after I had been weighed of all times. I was not happy to say the least it's hard enough being paranoid that people are looking at you and judging you based on your size so to actually have this confirmed as fact was really unhelpful. My temper flared and I stormed to my door all ready to confront the patient and let all hell break loose, luckily for the patient in question rational becky kicked in and stopped me instead deciding not to be dragged down to the level of a child but to raise the issue within the support group inviroment.
Things came to a head in support group as the ward manager came in to try to find out what was causing the tension and heat on the unit, as per usual it was me that ended up speaking and left me yet again frustrated that I'm the only one that will speak up and thinking that everyone is thinking can't she ever just shut up!! Since then the tension does seem to have subsided slightly and people are really trying to focus on there own treatment rather than concerning themselves with that of others, I just hope this lasts.
So now you see why perhaps I have not really felt able to blog however on a lighter note my best friends came on Sunday and 'brought me Christmas!' It was perfect they turned up with Christmas headbands, crackers, prezzies, and even decorated my room Christmas tree with lights the lot. The afternoon was so lovely they really spoilt me. We had home alone on and they painted my nails. It was far more than I deserved I just hope one day I will be in a position to return the gesture.
So that takes me up to today and I'm not really sure how I feel, a mixture of emotions comes to mind anxious, scared, excited, nervous, to name but a few. I think I'm really anxious that in ward round today a final decision will be made about Christmas leave and despite trying not to I have really pinned my hopes on getting 9am Xmas day till 5.30pm boxing day. This is less than I originally asked for but after thinking it through and talking to Ben and family I decided stopping out till 9pm boxing day might be too much of a challenge too soon. I have planned for the days just in case and mom came in to see the dietician with me on Monday to talk about portion sizes which I have relayed to Ben so he can support me if I get leave.
Another reason for me feeling uneasy today is that I have put on a hoody that I've not worn before as I think it looks too tight over my stomach and draws attention to how much it sticks out, it also has faint horizontal stripes which I have been told are not slimming so I am worried that they make me look bigger than I already do. I have asked a couple of staff on their opinion but am still not sure I agree will get Bens opinion later as his is the one I trust, that is if I manage not to change prior to him coming.
Tensions on the unit between certain patients have been really bad and came to a head on Sunday night when a particular comment upset a patient so much that she flipped out and ended up in A&E with two fractured knuckles having punched a wall several times!!
The tensions seem to stem from a clash of personalities between two of the patients but rather than them just accepting they will never get on they continue to made snide comments and generally keep going at each other this however causes all the other patients to become involved as it is done in communal areas and so affects everyone. I have tried several times to raise issues in support group but one of the patients involved doesn't bother to come to the group, despite it being compulsory, this in itself raises the tension as it yet again seems like one rule for one and one rule for another.
It feels like I'm back at school with all the childish playground behaviour that has been going on what with she said this and she said that it's like really are we still at this level! While I accept that this illness does make you child like in many ways this situation really does feel like deliberate attention seeking childish behaviour for which I wish to have no part. I have to keep reminding myself that all the other patients are much younger than me, all around 18 but still we are all supposedly adults never the less. I think I struggle with it more though because seeing the attitude in certain patients reminds me of my second admission to a unit and I was just like that so its hard to see without wanting to tell them to stop other wise they will still be titting about with the illness 13 years later like me.
My solution to avoid the issues is to continue to try to keep myself to myself and stay in my room out of the way, this was working ok until my name got dragged in to a conversation regarding patients levels of thinness and this was disclosed to me on Monday morning after I had been weighed of all times. I was not happy to say the least it's hard enough being paranoid that people are looking at you and judging you based on your size so to actually have this confirmed as fact was really unhelpful. My temper flared and I stormed to my door all ready to confront the patient and let all hell break loose, luckily for the patient in question rational becky kicked in and stopped me instead deciding not to be dragged down to the level of a child but to raise the issue within the support group inviroment.
Things came to a head in support group as the ward manager came in to try to find out what was causing the tension and heat on the unit, as per usual it was me that ended up speaking and left me yet again frustrated that I'm the only one that will speak up and thinking that everyone is thinking can't she ever just shut up!! Since then the tension does seem to have subsided slightly and people are really trying to focus on there own treatment rather than concerning themselves with that of others, I just hope this lasts.
So now you see why perhaps I have not really felt able to blog however on a lighter note my best friends came on Sunday and 'brought me Christmas!' It was perfect they turned up with Christmas headbands, crackers, prezzies, and even decorated my room Christmas tree with lights the lot. The afternoon was so lovely they really spoilt me. We had home alone on and they painted my nails. It was far more than I deserved I just hope one day I will be in a position to return the gesture.
So that takes me up to today and I'm not really sure how I feel, a mixture of emotions comes to mind anxious, scared, excited, nervous, to name but a few. I think I'm really anxious that in ward round today a final decision will be made about Christmas leave and despite trying not to I have really pinned my hopes on getting 9am Xmas day till 5.30pm boxing day. This is less than I originally asked for but after thinking it through and talking to Ben and family I decided stopping out till 9pm boxing day might be too much of a challenge too soon. I have planned for the days just in case and mom came in to see the dietician with me on Monday to talk about portion sizes which I have relayed to Ben so he can support me if I get leave.
Another reason for me feeling uneasy today is that I have put on a hoody that I've not worn before as I think it looks too tight over my stomach and draws attention to how much it sticks out, it also has faint horizontal stripes which I have been told are not slimming so I am worried that they make me look bigger than I already do. I have asked a couple of staff on their opinion but am still not sure I agree will get Bens opinion later as his is the one I trust, that is if I manage not to change prior to him coming.
Sunday, 16 December 2012
Achievement
Finally felt like I had made a tiny bit of progress in the dining room yesterday. After some careful thought I asked my named nurse if I could try moving from the supervised table to an unsupervised table for my 3.15pm snack as I felt that because I really struggle with my meals it might make me feel like I had at least made a small step forward. My nurse thought it was a good idea but to just try one snack to start with. It was quite scary as I had to accept that I could be trusted to eat my snack and not cheat by trying to get rid of some of it and this completely went against what my eating disorder wants, never the less I did it and felt quite proud of my achievement.
My sense of achievement however was short lived when after dinner last night a particular patient announced she was going to be unsupervised for all meals and snacks, my reaction " what the fuck!!"
Perhaps I should explain my reason for such a reaction by highlighting some of her behaviour displayed at breakfast a mere two days ago, when challenged about not having used all her milk a staff member poured the remaining milk from her jug on to the cereal so the patient spooned three spoons of milk on to the table! The cereal was then replaced at which point she bellowed there was more cereal than last time and staff were just picking on her, the outcome three handfuls of cereal were removed from the bowl, crunched up and thrown at a member of staff!! Finally at dinner yesterday she was challenged about the way she ate a sandwich several times so she got up and moved to another table. Answer by staff to this behaviour.... put her on the unsupervised table, genius!!!!
Now I can see why they have done it I think they are working on the assumption that challenging her doesn't work and almost makes her more defiant to do the complete opposite to what they ask her and so if she is on unsupervised she will just get on with it. Great in principle but if this is not the case it is really unfair on patients who have worked hard to be trusted enough to actually progress to that point and not just been given it because staff have given up!! I know it's petty to think like this but it really did feel like my achievement had been pissed on (pardon my French!)
After talking it through with parents and Ben I have decided to give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe it will work and she will just get on with it and not feel the need to cheat herself and constantly kick off as most of the time she will be on her own and therefor have no one to play up for. However if I find that at snacks she is still crunching her crunchie and then dropping half of it on the floor I'm afraid sod it I will say something as I'm not going to be made to feel like a complete mug for sitting there complying when she blatantly isn't. While I readily accept that I am there for me and at the end of the day she is only really cheating herself it does have an effect on those around her and I don't see why I should put up with it just because people don't want to say things to her because they know the reaction in her it will provoke. Guess we shall see what happens today..
My sense of achievement however was short lived when after dinner last night a particular patient announced she was going to be unsupervised for all meals and snacks, my reaction " what the fuck!!"
Perhaps I should explain my reason for such a reaction by highlighting some of her behaviour displayed at breakfast a mere two days ago, when challenged about not having used all her milk a staff member poured the remaining milk from her jug on to the cereal so the patient spooned three spoons of milk on to the table! The cereal was then replaced at which point she bellowed there was more cereal than last time and staff were just picking on her, the outcome three handfuls of cereal were removed from the bowl, crunched up and thrown at a member of staff!! Finally at dinner yesterday she was challenged about the way she ate a sandwich several times so she got up and moved to another table. Answer by staff to this behaviour.... put her on the unsupervised table, genius!!!!
Now I can see why they have done it I think they are working on the assumption that challenging her doesn't work and almost makes her more defiant to do the complete opposite to what they ask her and so if she is on unsupervised she will just get on with it. Great in principle but if this is not the case it is really unfair on patients who have worked hard to be trusted enough to actually progress to that point and not just been given it because staff have given up!! I know it's petty to think like this but it really did feel like my achievement had been pissed on (pardon my French!)
After talking it through with parents and Ben I have decided to give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe it will work and she will just get on with it and not feel the need to cheat herself and constantly kick off as most of the time she will be on her own and therefor have no one to play up for. However if I find that at snacks she is still crunching her crunchie and then dropping half of it on the floor I'm afraid sod it I will say something as I'm not going to be made to feel like a complete mug for sitting there complying when she blatantly isn't. While I readily accept that I am there for me and at the end of the day she is only really cheating herself it does have an effect on those around her and I don't see why I should put up with it just because people don't want to say things to her because they know the reaction in her it will provoke. Guess we shall see what happens today..
Friday, 14 December 2012
Moving day
Yesterday was hideous!! The day began with the dreaded weigh in which I'm pleased to say did nothing it was the same as Monday but just like all the other times this has happened I daren't get my hopes up its stopping as it will more than likely jump up again on Monday.
During breakfast I suddenly felt really sick and lightheaded like I was going to pass out so had to go and lie down. I did manage to go back and complete my breakfast and then went to my room for a sleep. This was on top of me already having a bad throat. One thing I got from ward round on wednesday was that I am now allowed to manage my own sitting time after breakfast it took three weeks of asking but it's progress never the less.
One of the hardest things yesterday was being asked to move rooms, I have been in the high dependency room since I came in and yesterday they asked me to move to one of the other rooms. The first thing I was told was that this did not mean I was well they just thought it would be nice for me to have a room with some carpet and that was slightly less clinical. While this is true and my new room is slightly more homely(ish) it did make me feel like I was not ill any more and so didn't need to be here and that everyone else was Ill and I was just a fake. I managed to laugh it off when other patients asked why I was moving by saying I had been promoted and had gone up market but inside I was dying. It's really hard going from everyone panicking about you 24/7 to not really been particularly concerned as it really feeds the eating disorder in you to believe you are not good enough and should try harder to be ill.
It was also particularly hard as I thought the next time I packed my stuff it would be to go home not to move three doors up and unpack it again!! The only bonus is that I have finally managed to get rid of the air mattress despite then saying I needed to take it with me I managed to convince them to let me try a normal mattress after all I don't have bones sticking out any more and a firmer mattress will be better for my bad back. Sleeping last night on it was amazing it was so quiet in my room I could actually hear my clock without the need to strain my ears and every time I moved it didn't sound like I was on a lylo, heaven.
The final trauma came in the form of dinner I was expecting spaghetti bolognese which I have had several times and size wise have got used to, one spoon pasta and one spoon sauce so I was filled with complete fear when they said the meal had come ready mixed, they lifted the lid of my plate and all I saw was a mound of penne pasta and meat (not really any sauce, just meat!) I completely freaked out staff said the portion was right and that they had served two spoons of the mixed meal but to my mind this meant that I had had more pasta than I should have had and I still think that now, three attempts of walking out and back in to the dining room and I did manage to eat it unfortunately despite having a good chat to staff I was unable to keep it all and did vomit all though this was after an hour. I was really disappointed in myself but I guess it's a learning curve and will be something for me to work on.
The day was also traumatic as we had a new patient in which of course I thought she would be looking at me and thinking my god why is she here she is clearly not ill. It's always really hard when a new patient comes in as you don't know how it will effect the dynamics of the unit. Not that the dynamics are that good anyway at the moment, one particular patient is still kicking off at the drop of a hat, or in her case cornflakes which this morning needed replacing three times as she insisted on throwing them all over the table and also poking every portion of margarine. She is incredibly rude to staff and continues to moan about other patient making a fuss in the dining room and then goes on to sit there swearing at staff and throwing food around.
Anyway it looks like I may get some Christmas leave which will be brilliant but very scary and daunting, I will find out for sure on Wednesday so fingers crossed.
During breakfast I suddenly felt really sick and lightheaded like I was going to pass out so had to go and lie down. I did manage to go back and complete my breakfast and then went to my room for a sleep. This was on top of me already having a bad throat. One thing I got from ward round on wednesday was that I am now allowed to manage my own sitting time after breakfast it took three weeks of asking but it's progress never the less.
One of the hardest things yesterday was being asked to move rooms, I have been in the high dependency room since I came in and yesterday they asked me to move to one of the other rooms. The first thing I was told was that this did not mean I was well they just thought it would be nice for me to have a room with some carpet and that was slightly less clinical. While this is true and my new room is slightly more homely(ish) it did make me feel like I was not ill any more and so didn't need to be here and that everyone else was Ill and I was just a fake. I managed to laugh it off when other patients asked why I was moving by saying I had been promoted and had gone up market but inside I was dying. It's really hard going from everyone panicking about you 24/7 to not really been particularly concerned as it really feeds the eating disorder in you to believe you are not good enough and should try harder to be ill.
It was also particularly hard as I thought the next time I packed my stuff it would be to go home not to move three doors up and unpack it again!! The only bonus is that I have finally managed to get rid of the air mattress despite then saying I needed to take it with me I managed to convince them to let me try a normal mattress after all I don't have bones sticking out any more and a firmer mattress will be better for my bad back. Sleeping last night on it was amazing it was so quiet in my room I could actually hear my clock without the need to strain my ears and every time I moved it didn't sound like I was on a lylo, heaven.
The final trauma came in the form of dinner I was expecting spaghetti bolognese which I have had several times and size wise have got used to, one spoon pasta and one spoon sauce so I was filled with complete fear when they said the meal had come ready mixed, they lifted the lid of my plate and all I saw was a mound of penne pasta and meat (not really any sauce, just meat!) I completely freaked out staff said the portion was right and that they had served two spoons of the mixed meal but to my mind this meant that I had had more pasta than I should have had and I still think that now, three attempts of walking out and back in to the dining room and I did manage to eat it unfortunately despite having a good chat to staff I was unable to keep it all and did vomit all though this was after an hour. I was really disappointed in myself but I guess it's a learning curve and will be something for me to work on.
The day was also traumatic as we had a new patient in which of course I thought she would be looking at me and thinking my god why is she here she is clearly not ill. It's always really hard when a new patient comes in as you don't know how it will effect the dynamics of the unit. Not that the dynamics are that good anyway at the moment, one particular patient is still kicking off at the drop of a hat, or in her case cornflakes which this morning needed replacing three times as she insisted on throwing them all over the table and also poking every portion of margarine. She is incredibly rude to staff and continues to moan about other patient making a fuss in the dining room and then goes on to sit there swearing at staff and throwing food around.
Anyway it looks like I may get some Christmas leave which will be brilliant but very scary and daunting, I will find out for sure on Wednesday so fingers crossed.
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