Oh for f***s sake it's still going!! Just been weighed and it has gone up again despite now having had no increase in my diet for nine weeks. Even the staff are surprised its not stopped yet I just know I'm going to get to my target weight on this diet and then will be unable to stop gaining feel completely out of control and spiral back down in to my old ways because it's the only way I can see to control my weight.
The staff and dietician keep assuring me it will stop and to trust them but so far it has done the complete opposite to what they advise it should do and I feel like I'm going to be the medical freak who the rules don't work for. It's almost like my metabolism has completely failed to realise I'm gaining weight and is therefore still running at 40% rather than rising in line with the weight gain.
I want to just give up today bury my head in the sheets on my bed and cry but I don't even have the energy to cry because I am so tired and emotionally drained I have nothing left and no tears to cry. I only managed about an hours sleep and feel completely exhausted and I already feel like crap for sleeping much of yesterday and not having really done anything productive.
Today will be a tough one as I am really just freaking out and don't want to do it anymore. Dreading Monday already there is just no let up to this constant nightmare, flitting from one anxiety to the next without any real time to stop and catch a breath. Not sure how much more I can take.
Wednesday, 28 November 2012
Monday, 26 November 2012
What day is it?
Just had one of those moments when you wake up and you have no idea what day it is and where you are and it takes a few minutes to work it out. Then I remembered all to quickly its Tuesday and I'm still in hospital. It's amazing how quickly the covers want to be pulled over my head and the desire for the day not to starting again. It makes very little difference that it's Tuesday as everyday in here is pretty much the same, eat sit, eat sit, you get the point. I suppose at least today there are quite a few things going on that will break the monotony. I have relaxation at 10.30am followed at 11.00am with the nutrition group. Then this afternoon I have anxiety management group. I would normally see the psychologist at 1pm but this week he is not here so will be seeing him tomorrow instead.
The highlight of my day will be Ben coming in this afternoon followed by a parental visit this evening. The sad part is all this will happen in the blink of an eye and then I will sleep for what feels like five minutes and the whole thing will start all over again!
Am feeling particularly anxious this morning as I think there is a possibility we may be getting a new admission on the ward today as staff were making a bed up in one of the rooms yesterday. It is always really difficult when new people come for several reasons. The worst and most eating disordered reason is not knowing how ill they are and how thin they are going to be, I worry if they will be worse than me and if they are I know I will feel like I need to be worse than them and want to loose weight and be thinner. I hate that this is the first thing that comes to mind but I have to be honest and this is very much the case. I worry how much bigger I will look compared to them. On a less selfish note I worry about how hard it is for them coming and having to start the difficult journey or worse still the thought that they have been here before and are just stuck in the seemingly never ending cycle of relapse and recovery. I think this is a particularly difficult thought as its how I see things being for the rest of my life and I just can't comprehend that being the case and this being all there is. I wonder how the dynamics of the unit will change although it couldn't really make it much worse, could it?!
On top of all that my hips are really painful as is my back to the point I can't gets comfortable and am extremely restless (hence why I'm awake so early when not being weighed) I did however get to see the aromatherapist yesterday for a massage as recommended by the physiotherapist and hopefully will be getting another one tomorrow at 10.30am providing she makes it in this week. That's tomorrows bit of a day break and also Ben coming in will be a highlight. Unfortunately by then it will mean that Thursday is imminent and therefore weigh day again. Only bonus to Thursday is that three of my best friends are coming in and I very much look forward to their visits as I get a couple of hours feeling relatively normal catching up on gossip, reminiscing and actually being able to laugh. Ahh light relief, I can't wait.
The highlight of my day will be Ben coming in this afternoon followed by a parental visit this evening. The sad part is all this will happen in the blink of an eye and then I will sleep for what feels like five minutes and the whole thing will start all over again!
Am feeling particularly anxious this morning as I think there is a possibility we may be getting a new admission on the ward today as staff were making a bed up in one of the rooms yesterday. It is always really difficult when new people come for several reasons. The worst and most eating disordered reason is not knowing how ill they are and how thin they are going to be, I worry if they will be worse than me and if they are I know I will feel like I need to be worse than them and want to loose weight and be thinner. I hate that this is the first thing that comes to mind but I have to be honest and this is very much the case. I worry how much bigger I will look compared to them. On a less selfish note I worry about how hard it is for them coming and having to start the difficult journey or worse still the thought that they have been here before and are just stuck in the seemingly never ending cycle of relapse and recovery. I think this is a particularly difficult thought as its how I see things being for the rest of my life and I just can't comprehend that being the case and this being all there is. I wonder how the dynamics of the unit will change although it couldn't really make it much worse, could it?!
On top of all that my hips are really painful as is my back to the point I can't gets comfortable and am extremely restless (hence why I'm awake so early when not being weighed) I did however get to see the aromatherapist yesterday for a massage as recommended by the physiotherapist and hopefully will be getting another one tomorrow at 10.30am providing she makes it in this week. That's tomorrows bit of a day break and also Ben coming in will be a highlight. Unfortunately by then it will mean that Thursday is imminent and therefore weigh day again. Only bonus to Thursday is that three of my best friends are coming in and I very much look forward to their visits as I get a couple of hours feeling relatively normal catching up on gossip, reminiscing and actually being able to laugh. Ahh light relief, I can't wait.
Medication
Well I'd like to say I'm surprised about today's weigh in but I'm not yes you guessed right it went up again so still no sign of a plateau. I actually don't think it would have mattered what it did today as I was already feeling really crap and huge before i got on the scales so I guess the gain just reinforced how I felt.
Had quite a stressful morning. It had been mentioned a couple of weeks ago that the doctor wanted to assess if I should still be taking my epilepsy medication as they didn't want me taking stuff I didn't need! I questioned why they had suddenly decided this and was told that because I hadn't had a fit in about 10 years (touch wood) that I probably didn't need to be on medication!! Now is it me or does this make no sense at all? Why would you question if someone needed to be on a drug because they were displaying no symptons of the problem the drug is taken for when the aim of said medication is to do just that!!?
I made it perfectly clear to the doctor that I had real reservations about coming off the drug despite that fact that I too hate taking tablets especially if there not needed. I pointed out that we went through hell trying to get a diagnosis when I started with the problem and it took up a massive part of my life and was the cause of me having to drop out of sixth form. We went through several possible diagnosis's and at one time was even told it was psychosomatic, it was only when we saw a professor who was specialised in neurology that he diagnosed epilepsy and was shocked that no one had tried medication to see if it stopped the fits. I started medication and although it took a while the condition started to become controlled. The diagnosis impacted on my life massively as it meant that I couldn't pursue learning to drive and at the time would have to be fit free for three years. I finally went three clear years and got to learn to drive. This enabled me to change jobs as I was no longer restricted to having to work close to home.
So this is one of my main concerns with stopping treatment based on the idea that I might not need the drug the point is if they stop it and I fit they will completely destroy my life as I would be unable to continue to drive and therefore would be unable to do my job. This at a time when I already feel like I am ruining my life and that of those around me and now they want to give me this added stress.
Anyway my mom came in this morning to talk to the doctor about the time I was diagnosed and what happened in terms of fits, good old mom went in guns blazing informing the doctor in no uncertain terms that they would stop the drug over her dead body, hmm useful!! I did ask her to calm down but I was actually really grateful for the support. I did at least admit to the doctor that them questioning my medication reminded me of being diagnosed and that I felt like they didn't believe I had a problem and was making it up. When asked if I had any say or if my opinion would even be considered she said it would but if they felt it was not needed they would not prescribe it, so in other words no!
So now I am really stressing as its made me feel like getting better is even more pointless if there going to make another problem come back and if it does I really will give up and will just want to die, this is a hard enough fight without having to go through that again as well.
Had quite a stressful morning. It had been mentioned a couple of weeks ago that the doctor wanted to assess if I should still be taking my epilepsy medication as they didn't want me taking stuff I didn't need! I questioned why they had suddenly decided this and was told that because I hadn't had a fit in about 10 years (touch wood) that I probably didn't need to be on medication!! Now is it me or does this make no sense at all? Why would you question if someone needed to be on a drug because they were displaying no symptons of the problem the drug is taken for when the aim of said medication is to do just that!!?
I made it perfectly clear to the doctor that I had real reservations about coming off the drug despite that fact that I too hate taking tablets especially if there not needed. I pointed out that we went through hell trying to get a diagnosis when I started with the problem and it took up a massive part of my life and was the cause of me having to drop out of sixth form. We went through several possible diagnosis's and at one time was even told it was psychosomatic, it was only when we saw a professor who was specialised in neurology that he diagnosed epilepsy and was shocked that no one had tried medication to see if it stopped the fits. I started medication and although it took a while the condition started to become controlled. The diagnosis impacted on my life massively as it meant that I couldn't pursue learning to drive and at the time would have to be fit free for three years. I finally went three clear years and got to learn to drive. This enabled me to change jobs as I was no longer restricted to having to work close to home.
So this is one of my main concerns with stopping treatment based on the idea that I might not need the drug the point is if they stop it and I fit they will completely destroy my life as I would be unable to continue to drive and therefore would be unable to do my job. This at a time when I already feel like I am ruining my life and that of those around me and now they want to give me this added stress.
Anyway my mom came in this morning to talk to the doctor about the time I was diagnosed and what happened in terms of fits, good old mom went in guns blazing informing the doctor in no uncertain terms that they would stop the drug over her dead body, hmm useful!! I did ask her to calm down but I was actually really grateful for the support. I did at least admit to the doctor that them questioning my medication reminded me of being diagnosed and that I felt like they didn't believe I had a problem and was making it up. When asked if I had any say or if my opinion would even be considered she said it would but if they felt it was not needed they would not prescribe it, so in other words no!
So now I am really stressing as its made me feel like getting better is even more pointless if there going to make another problem come back and if it does I really will give up and will just want to die, this is a hard enough fight without having to go through that again as well.
Sunday, 25 November 2012
Hard time
I haven't really felt much like communicating with the outside world over the last few days primarily because I have felt quite low in mood and thought that it wouldn't be particularly interesting for people to read a continuous out pour of verbal diareah of how I feel fat, my stomach is huge, my bum is massive and my thighs wobble when I walk top that off with the start of a double chin and you will see why perhaps I have just not bothered to say anything!!
Thought maybe today I would attempt to say something at least although positivity I can't promise. The unit is still a really unsettled place although we have decreased drastically in numbers and this weekend there is only four of us and one of those is on bed rest so there is just three jn the dining room. It is unfortunate that one of the three is refusing to eat anything and has been doing so now for several days although she is now being tube fed she is still paraded in to the dining room where she is given a meal only for her to sit there and not eat it, mean while the rest of us are meant to carry on eating and pretend that it doesn't effect us.
Truth is I wish it didn't bother me and it's not even that I think she is getting away without having calories its just really hard when you are struggling and she sits there cracking jokes and not eating, it feels like its ok for you to laugh and joke because your not having to face your fear but the rest of us are so shut your face!!!!
My frustration has just been increased by the staff nurse asking myself and the other patient who are eating to remain in the dining room once we had finished eating, when we questioned why we were told it wouldn't be discussed. It's hard enough being in the dining room anyway but do they really think I want to extend it longer without seemingly a good reason. It would appear that they were in the lounge with the patient not eating not sure doing what but as the lounge is a communal area it strikes me as inappropriate for them to be using it as a clinic when we have one. I sat in the dining room for 10 minutes and couldn't take it any longer so left and went to my room at least there I can use my iPad.
The other patient is still taking the piss around sitting time getting up and down and generally finding a million excuses not to sit down. I think in ward round I'm going to ask if I can manage my own sitting time as at least that way I will have a choice of going to my room if people are really pissing me off!! I also think I can manage to rest during this time and think I will be able to fight the urge to exercise as I tend to sleep after meals anyway just as a way to get through the initial intense period of when I want to vomit.
I am still getting the urge to vomit regularly and some days find it incredibly difficult to fight but with each day I try not to beat myself up if the previous day has not been 100% successful and start again. I it particularly difficult when I feel full as this in my head equates to fat and being disgusting, lazy and weakness that I have eaten and not fought against it. So far today I have not done too badly I slept after breakfast and then went in the activity room after sitting time from snacks and did some craft which passed away the morning just a pity that I had to have lunch which ruined my relatively relaxed feeling and has left me feeling hideous. I might try to go back in there after sitting time from lunch as there is screaming and shouting coming from one of the rooms which is really stressing me out. Hopefully then I can pass some of the afternoon till mom and dad come.
Weigh day again tomorrow already! time is here goes so slowly and at the same time flys past so quickly it's scary one minute it's breakfast I blink and it's final snacks it's just one long continuous nightmare with each meal running in to each other but on the other hand I feel like I have been here forever, mind you I will have been here 11 weeks tomorrow that really is forever!!
Thought maybe today I would attempt to say something at least although positivity I can't promise. The unit is still a really unsettled place although we have decreased drastically in numbers and this weekend there is only four of us and one of those is on bed rest so there is just three jn the dining room. It is unfortunate that one of the three is refusing to eat anything and has been doing so now for several days although she is now being tube fed she is still paraded in to the dining room where she is given a meal only for her to sit there and not eat it, mean while the rest of us are meant to carry on eating and pretend that it doesn't effect us.
Truth is I wish it didn't bother me and it's not even that I think she is getting away without having calories its just really hard when you are struggling and she sits there cracking jokes and not eating, it feels like its ok for you to laugh and joke because your not having to face your fear but the rest of us are so shut your face!!!!
My frustration has just been increased by the staff nurse asking myself and the other patient who are eating to remain in the dining room once we had finished eating, when we questioned why we were told it wouldn't be discussed. It's hard enough being in the dining room anyway but do they really think I want to extend it longer without seemingly a good reason. It would appear that they were in the lounge with the patient not eating not sure doing what but as the lounge is a communal area it strikes me as inappropriate for them to be using it as a clinic when we have one. I sat in the dining room for 10 minutes and couldn't take it any longer so left and went to my room at least there I can use my iPad.
The other patient is still taking the piss around sitting time getting up and down and generally finding a million excuses not to sit down. I think in ward round I'm going to ask if I can manage my own sitting time as at least that way I will have a choice of going to my room if people are really pissing me off!! I also think I can manage to rest during this time and think I will be able to fight the urge to exercise as I tend to sleep after meals anyway just as a way to get through the initial intense period of when I want to vomit.
I am still getting the urge to vomit regularly and some days find it incredibly difficult to fight but with each day I try not to beat myself up if the previous day has not been 100% successful and start again. I it particularly difficult when I feel full as this in my head equates to fat and being disgusting, lazy and weakness that I have eaten and not fought against it. So far today I have not done too badly I slept after breakfast and then went in the activity room after sitting time from snacks and did some craft which passed away the morning just a pity that I had to have lunch which ruined my relatively relaxed feeling and has left me feeling hideous. I might try to go back in there after sitting time from lunch as there is screaming and shouting coming from one of the rooms which is really stressing me out. Hopefully then I can pass some of the afternoon till mom and dad come.
Weigh day again tomorrow already! time is here goes so slowly and at the same time flys past so quickly it's scary one minute it's breakfast I blink and it's final snacks it's just one long continuous nightmare with each meal running in to each other but on the other hand I feel like I have been here forever, mind you I will have been here 11 weeks tomorrow that really is forever!!
Wednesday, 21 November 2012
Worry
It is so exhausting worrying I should know because it's all I seem to do, in fact I think I would worry about having nothing to worry about!!
It feels that I live in a constant state of anxiety lurching from one worry to the next.
I lost a small amount of weight in today's weigh in which I admit to being over the moon about not all because the anorexia was chuffed but more of a positive reinforcement that vomiting or at least not vomiting does not always correlate to weight gain. The reason I can feel this is because I have now managed to go five days without vomiting and worried this would equate to me having a huge weight gain. However I am now already worrying about Monday as I am convinced that I will have the huge gain then and that it will just confirm my worst fears and my weight isn't finally plateauing after all.
I am also worried that this environment is currently running the risk of making me worse and so have seriously considered trying to discharge myself, what stops me is the ever constant threat of being sectioned and also in more rational moments realising that I may cope for a few days or maybe a week or two but it would not be long before I slipped back in to old ways as I'm just not in the right place yet to accept recovery and to move on. Although I can't accept recovery and all associated with it for myself at the moment I owe it to Ben, my family and friends to keep trying and to try to stay focused and not let those around me effect me.
That is far easier said than done as I am particularly finding being around certain other patients extremely difficult. One in particular is driving me to distraction but at the same time I do feel sorry for her as she is clearly deluding herself that she is not ill either that or she really is a super nut job that needs to go from here to some other ward, perhaps one with a padded cell!!!!
I found yesterday particularly difficult as this patient and another at my table both refused their lunch and supplements this made me feel like a complete failure for sitting their dutifully eating mine and also that I was a complete heffer that clearly did not have a problem. I tried to talk to staff about this and the fact that my urge to vomit had really increased but this was at 1.15pm and at 5.30pm I was still waiting. I was so angry and just felt that I was not worthy of help because I wasn't screaming and shouting and didn't warrant any support and therefore must be fine. A similar situation occurred at dinner with the one refusing to eat all their meal and so the other followed suit and also refused, luckily I had already left the table else I suspect they may have ended up wearing their dinner!!
Frustration and anger came to ahead after snacks when they both went outside and were walking about during sitting time red mist descended and I lost my temper lurched for the door fully intent on punching one if not both of them, luckily by the time I reached the door my tiny rational side stopped me and so I just yelled at them to sit the fuck down because your taking the piss! Granted it was not the most articulate or constructive i could have been but the point was made never the less. I stormed off to my room like a stroppy teenager and fumed quietly till I felt that I had calmed down and able to face the ward again. Evening snacks were no better with one of them refusing that also.
It feels like this patient is trying to be the other it is so weird and scarily unhealthy, while I no and have explained previously that you can pick up on each others habits and anxieties quite easily this is something really quite different. It really feels like she is emulating to be her marking her arms the same way, refusing meals because she is, following her around, picking snacks together and a whole host of other things. Weird that's all I can say!!
So here we go again with yet another day I will try to focus on me and not be effected by those around but this is seriously far far easier said than done.
It feels that I live in a constant state of anxiety lurching from one worry to the next.
I lost a small amount of weight in today's weigh in which I admit to being over the moon about not all because the anorexia was chuffed but more of a positive reinforcement that vomiting or at least not vomiting does not always correlate to weight gain. The reason I can feel this is because I have now managed to go five days without vomiting and worried this would equate to me having a huge weight gain. However I am now already worrying about Monday as I am convinced that I will have the huge gain then and that it will just confirm my worst fears and my weight isn't finally plateauing after all.
I am also worried that this environment is currently running the risk of making me worse and so have seriously considered trying to discharge myself, what stops me is the ever constant threat of being sectioned and also in more rational moments realising that I may cope for a few days or maybe a week or two but it would not be long before I slipped back in to old ways as I'm just not in the right place yet to accept recovery and to move on. Although I can't accept recovery and all associated with it for myself at the moment I owe it to Ben, my family and friends to keep trying and to try to stay focused and not let those around me effect me.
That is far easier said than done as I am particularly finding being around certain other patients extremely difficult. One in particular is driving me to distraction but at the same time I do feel sorry for her as she is clearly deluding herself that she is not ill either that or she really is a super nut job that needs to go from here to some other ward, perhaps one with a padded cell!!!!
I found yesterday particularly difficult as this patient and another at my table both refused their lunch and supplements this made me feel like a complete failure for sitting their dutifully eating mine and also that I was a complete heffer that clearly did not have a problem. I tried to talk to staff about this and the fact that my urge to vomit had really increased but this was at 1.15pm and at 5.30pm I was still waiting. I was so angry and just felt that I was not worthy of help because I wasn't screaming and shouting and didn't warrant any support and therefore must be fine. A similar situation occurred at dinner with the one refusing to eat all their meal and so the other followed suit and also refused, luckily I had already left the table else I suspect they may have ended up wearing their dinner!!
Frustration and anger came to ahead after snacks when they both went outside and were walking about during sitting time red mist descended and I lost my temper lurched for the door fully intent on punching one if not both of them, luckily by the time I reached the door my tiny rational side stopped me and so I just yelled at them to sit the fuck down because your taking the piss! Granted it was not the most articulate or constructive i could have been but the point was made never the less. I stormed off to my room like a stroppy teenager and fumed quietly till I felt that I had calmed down and able to face the ward again. Evening snacks were no better with one of them refusing that also.
It feels like this patient is trying to be the other it is so weird and scarily unhealthy, while I no and have explained previously that you can pick up on each others habits and anxieties quite easily this is something really quite different. It really feels like she is emulating to be her marking her arms the same way, refusing meals because she is, following her around, picking snacks together and a whole host of other things. Weird that's all I can say!!
So here we go again with yet another day I will try to focus on me and not be effected by those around but this is seriously far far easier said than done.
Up and down!
My mood is really up and down today and it's only 11.30am. When I woke up I felt crappy because I still felt like I'd eaten a brick (last nights dinner was really heavy!) and that I was huge and disgusting, needless to say breakfast was hard. I then has a really good talk with my named nurse which left me feeling slightly better and a bit more positive, I discussed ward round for today and asking them to reconsider my exceptional leave on the seventh to see Rod Gilbert and also plans around Christmas if I can get leave. We had support group which for once was not just thirty minutes of silence. After snacks I had to meet with my local ed nurse again and give her a decision about which service I want to go with, either her and the local service or the neighbouring service. Luckily I have found out that I can access some areas without actually having to see her so I felt ok to go with my local service and who knows all might have changed by the time I leave.
I am now feeling quite low though as I have been waiting and looking forward for a week for a massage with the complimentary therapist who I have just heard is now not going to be in. This will now be the second week I have missed out and that was what was keeping my mood up today so now I feel really annoyed, wound up and angry!! I can't believe that this can make me feel so crap and really drag my mood so low I could scream and cry. It's interesting though that in our anxiety group yesterday we looked at how we deal with disappointment and it's true that I don't deal with it for being just disappointing but instead make it in to a massive issue that i blame myself for and use to reinforce negative thoughts. Instead of just thinking oh that's a shame I actually think typical I new it would go wrong nothing good ever happens to me!! The frustrating thing is knowing your doing it and thinking this way and feeling unable to change.
I saw one of my best friends yesterday who I hadn't seen for some time I was so nervous of what she would think when she saw me and have to admit that I felt devastated when she told me I looked well, luckily I plucked up the courage to ask her what she meant by this as I thought she was telling me I looked far too big to be in a specialist unit, it turned out that she thought I had good colour but was still very very thin. Now while I know she wouldn't lie and I had asked her what she meant rather than just going on my assumptions I still couldn't help but think she was just saying it to stop me flipping out. I really hate that I feel this way. This friend has been going through a really hard time herself and it was really good to talk to someone and see that much of the way i think she is also feeling just without the food issues, now while I do not wish these thoughts and feelings on her it was good to talk to someone who I felt could really identify with many of the thoughts and feelings I was experiencing and i hope that in some small way talking with me may have helped her as well.
I am now feeling quite low though as I have been waiting and looking forward for a week for a massage with the complimentary therapist who I have just heard is now not going to be in. This will now be the second week I have missed out and that was what was keeping my mood up today so now I feel really annoyed, wound up and angry!! I can't believe that this can make me feel so crap and really drag my mood so low I could scream and cry. It's interesting though that in our anxiety group yesterday we looked at how we deal with disappointment and it's true that I don't deal with it for being just disappointing but instead make it in to a massive issue that i blame myself for and use to reinforce negative thoughts. Instead of just thinking oh that's a shame I actually think typical I new it would go wrong nothing good ever happens to me!! The frustrating thing is knowing your doing it and thinking this way and feeling unable to change.
I saw one of my best friends yesterday who I hadn't seen for some time I was so nervous of what she would think when she saw me and have to admit that I felt devastated when she told me I looked well, luckily I plucked up the courage to ask her what she meant by this as I thought she was telling me I looked far too big to be in a specialist unit, it turned out that she thought I had good colour but was still very very thin. Now while I know she wouldn't lie and I had asked her what she meant rather than just going on my assumptions I still couldn't help but think she was just saying it to stop me flipping out. I really hate that I feel this way. This friend has been going through a really hard time herself and it was really good to talk to someone and see that much of the way i think she is also feeling just without the food issues, now while I do not wish these thoughts and feelings on her it was good to talk to someone who I felt could really identify with many of the thoughts and feelings I was experiencing and i hope that in some small way talking with me may have helped her as well.
Sunday, 18 November 2012
Frustrated
Here we go again another day dawns and the weight is still going, 10 weeks on and still not doing what the dietician and nursing staff assured me it would do and continues to show no sign it will plateau. To be honest I haven't even got the energy to cry today as I only managed to have about an hours sleep and I am so tired I would seriously like to just not bother today.
Weigh day was the primary reason for my lack of sleep but something else was playing on my mind. A mutual friend of Ben and I has recently been going through a tough time personally. She had spent some time with Ben helping him on some of his recent work and has also been amazingly supportive to him and also to me. She has also taken support from Ben and they have helped each other through difficult days.
It was brought to my attention yesterday that a group of their friends had insinuated to Ben that this support was looking like more than that and he should be careful as people were talking. None of these so called friends had bothered to say anything to the friend in question and so Ben took her to one side and told her what had been said. It comes as no surprise that her reaction was anything short of fury at the thought of people talking about them like this especially as several of them had had affairs!!
When Ben told me I felt nothing but sympathy for our friend as rumours like this quickly spread and develop and before you know it her and Ben will be having a full blown affair while his wife rots in hospital!! This sympathy soon turned to anger not at them but at the others. While I can see why they may suspect the situation is more than just that of mutual support what does that really say about them and how they see Ben and our friend and more to the point about my relationship with them.
Ben has been nothing but open about time they have spent together and how he has been supporting her through her difficult time where he can. He has not tried to hide the fact she has on a couple of occasions been to our house. I have to admit I did find it hard to think of her in my home with my husband but not because I thought anything was going on but just because I was jealous she was getting to spend time with Ben in my house when I couldn't. Equally our friend has always been open with her husband so nothing has been kept 'secret'.
Our friend has so much to give and I think it has helped her been able to show this to Ben and I when she is struggling to find an output for this at home. I'm sure their so called friends said what they did with the best of intentions and to advise how others may be reading the situation but I am so frustrated that people feel it necessary to always see more in a situation than is there, finding it acceptable to pass comment on situations they have absolutely no insight in to what so ever.
Imagine I had heard this on a particularly bad day it wouldn't have taken much for a seed of doubt to be sown in my mind and before you know its chocked up with emotional chick weed and paranoia.
Luckily I do trust Ben implicitly and have no doubt that this is anything more than a friendship. I hope they can rise above the ridiculous insinuations of others and do not allow them to destroy their friendship. I hope they remember that the comments of these friends appear to me to be more the words of small minded people projecting there own failings on to others and I trust them completely and hope they can continue to offer support and kindness to each other as and when they can.
Weigh day was the primary reason for my lack of sleep but something else was playing on my mind. A mutual friend of Ben and I has recently been going through a tough time personally. She had spent some time with Ben helping him on some of his recent work and has also been amazingly supportive to him and also to me. She has also taken support from Ben and they have helped each other through difficult days.
It was brought to my attention yesterday that a group of their friends had insinuated to Ben that this support was looking like more than that and he should be careful as people were talking. None of these so called friends had bothered to say anything to the friend in question and so Ben took her to one side and told her what had been said. It comes as no surprise that her reaction was anything short of fury at the thought of people talking about them like this especially as several of them had had affairs!!
When Ben told me I felt nothing but sympathy for our friend as rumours like this quickly spread and develop and before you know it her and Ben will be having a full blown affair while his wife rots in hospital!! This sympathy soon turned to anger not at them but at the others. While I can see why they may suspect the situation is more than just that of mutual support what does that really say about them and how they see Ben and our friend and more to the point about my relationship with them.
Ben has been nothing but open about time they have spent together and how he has been supporting her through her difficult time where he can. He has not tried to hide the fact she has on a couple of occasions been to our house. I have to admit I did find it hard to think of her in my home with my husband but not because I thought anything was going on but just because I was jealous she was getting to spend time with Ben in my house when I couldn't. Equally our friend has always been open with her husband so nothing has been kept 'secret'.
Our friend has so much to give and I think it has helped her been able to show this to Ben and I when she is struggling to find an output for this at home. I'm sure their so called friends said what they did with the best of intentions and to advise how others may be reading the situation but I am so frustrated that people feel it necessary to always see more in a situation than is there, finding it acceptable to pass comment on situations they have absolutely no insight in to what so ever.
Imagine I had heard this on a particularly bad day it wouldn't have taken much for a seed of doubt to be sown in my mind and before you know its chocked up with emotional chick weed and paranoia.
Luckily I do trust Ben implicitly and have no doubt that this is anything more than a friendship. I hope they can rise above the ridiculous insinuations of others and do not allow them to destroy their friendship. I hope they remember that the comments of these friends appear to me to be more the words of small minded people projecting there own failings on to others and I trust them completely and hope they can continue to offer support and kindness to each other as and when they can.
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