Misunderstood

I feel I need to explain a few things as I'm worried people may have the wrong idea about things I have said about Ben and our relationship. First and foremost I trust Ben completely and the jealousy I spoke of yesterday was more about how I was feeling about how I have let him down as a wife and my concerns that he has not had the love and experiences he should have been having with me. I'm not worried that he will stray but more that eventually I will push him too far after all there is only so much one person can take, and to be honest Ben has already taken a life times worth of crap from me.

It may have come across in precious blogs like Ben does very little in terms of house work and therefore not been shown in a very good light. I would like to say that although I did do the majority of the cooking and cleaning this was my choice and he did offer. I can see that my perfectionist traits and desperate search for some level of control prevented me in allowing him to take over jobs I thought I should be doing as I wanted them done to my standards, which of course were impossible for me to meet let alone Ben. I'm so sorry to him because I can now see that I will more than likely have had a negative effect on his own self esteem by criticising things he did that in my eyes were wrong or not good enough. There were times he would Hoover the lounge and instead of me saying thank you and being grateful I would pick fault and accuse him of not doing a proper job. Equally I would get annoyed when I got home from work if he hadn't tidied the lounge or left washing up in the kitchen as in my eyes when he is home all day there is no excuse for it not to have been done. On evaluation maybe I should have been more accepting that although he was home he had still been working hard and I would imagine he got to the point when he didn't see the point of trying to do things if all I was going to do was criticise him anyway at least this way I could only moan that it hadn't been done and not for him to feel like he had done it and I was still not satisfied.

A friend of mine recently spoke about some marriage counselling she and her husband had regarding ways in which to avoid arguments that they were constantly experiencing. She spoke about how it was important to think about what sparked the arguments and if they were things either partner did that irritated them to think rationally about them before just reacting, spending a few moments to think would it be easier to just do the job in question and not make it in to an issue worth arguing about, was it really that terrible. I think this is a valid point and there will always be things that either partner does that will irritate the hell out of you it's just deciding how you deal with these irritations. Ben will leave half drunk cups of coffee for days on end around his office as well as dishes of half eaten cereal which are left till the milk has set and begun to smell, I will ask him continuously to bring them down and wash them as often I will go to make a drink and discover we have no cups. This behaviour irritates me intensely and despite my constant requests not to do it he continues to do so this undoubtedly causing an argument. I will end up just washing them when what I should really do is try to rise above it keep a cup on one side that is just for me and wait in the hope that eventually he will realise he has no more cups and therefore wash them himself. Until now i have found this impossible but when i leave the unit I will try have the patience to do this. I suppose some of it could come back to him thinking well even if I do it it won't be good enough anyway so why bother. Either that or he is just lazy!!

I guess what I'm trying to get across is that people's relationships are never simple and I am beginning to realise how much of an impact my illness has had not only on me, my eating,self confidence, self worth and my life but the massive effect it has had on Ben in all these areas and of course also my family and friends. I am deeply sorry for this and wish I could promise I could change and make it better over night but this illness didn't get me here over night so I should stop expecting it to go away that quickly.

Tired

I am so tired today both physically and mentally thinking has never felt so exhausting. I feel like I could sleep for days and still feel drained. I don't want to sleep though because I feel lazy and useless, I haven't done much of my course work over the last few days and feel guilty for not spending more time on this and sleeping instead. I am struggling with feeling guilty for not fighting the tiredness and working i feel like sleeping is a failure. I have anxiety management group at 2pm today so may try to get some work done after that but the groups sometimes leave me so tired and I don't know why after all were only sitting down. I know sometimes you get more tired when you don't do much but before admission I was working full time 9-6 and then continued with cooking and house work when I got home and didn't feel half as tired as I do now and I have been doing practically nothing for 8 weeks.

We discussed in support group about feelings around when we leave and how we cope with fitting back in, this is something I worry about all the time it is really hard to think of everyone else's life going on while yours is on pause and thinking will there be a place for me when I leave or will the gap I left have been filled and I won't have a purpose anymore and no longer needed. I guess it's accepting that the gap you leave has to be filled and that things will have changed the purpose you once had will have changed as will you after all that's the point of being here. If there is no change then there is no point really putting yourself through this painful recovery process. It's easy to say this but not easy to accept.

I have to admit to feeling terrified, jealous and sad earlier when Ben told me he was off to see a show in London tonight with another woman. I don't know her as it is one of his friends from old and although I am pleased he is taking some time out from his stressful week to have some quality time doing something he enjoys completely un related to work I can't help but acknowledge the pangs of jealousy and fear. Not necessarily jealous of the act of going to a show more that he is experiencing it with someone else giving him yet more of an idea on what he has missed out on being stuck with me and this illness. Jealous also of her because she is able to do things I can't and haven't done for so long and sharing experiences with my husband that we should be experiencing together. While I trust him implicitly I can't help but worry he will find if not in her but someone all the things he doesn't get from me and move on. It all comes down to negative thoughts and thinking that I am useless, worthless and don't really deserve him anyway so why shouldn't he find someone else. I know these thoughts are not helpful and really need to be challenged but at the moment I don't feel able and don't know if I ever will.

Please stop!

Here we go again as I predicted my weight went up quite a lot again this morning I really can't take much more. I can't get my head round the fact I have now put on a stone since I got here with only one increase and still it's going up and still showing no sign that it will plateau. I feel like it is completely out of control and like I'm some sort of medical freak. I asked the dietician when it will stop but she can't say but they do admit they have not known for weight to continue to go up for this long without a change of diet which has really made me think that I will be the medical mystery whose weight will just keep going up and up.

I feel absolutely huge and can't believe anyone when they tell me that I look the same as I did when I came in and the only thing that has changed is the colour of my skin and that it's not pulled so tight it looks like it might rip!

The dietician said it might be worth putting something else in my diet anyway as she thinks possibly because my diet is quite low my body may still be holding on to everything and if we increase it it might start to burn more, I just can't think about this until I see that it will stop otherwise I will never believe them.

Day has gone from bad to worse I hadn't picked my 3.15 pm snack as mom had come in I had gone straight to my room after lunch which is when I usually fill it in we then didn't come out of the group till 3pm and then I was back on bed rest. I decided to have my 10 minutes outside but then they called snacks and I realised I hadn't been asked what I was having so thought maybe I had written it down in the morning and forgot I'd done it, WRONG they had chosen for me! This did not go down well as they had selected a Twirl which I really don't like as the claggy feeling they give you in the mouth makes me gag. I asked to see the nurse in charge to say I had not been given a chance to pick but was told several people had not picked either so they chose for us! To be honest it was only after dinner that one of the other patients said that because of being on bed rest they should have brought the list to me to pick. In the end when no one came i made myself eat some of it but i only managed half because it made me feel sick but I figured it was better to have some rather than nothing. To say I'm pissed of would be understatement of the decade!!

Dinner was then huge, we had French bread pizza and I'm sure last time I had one piece but this time I had two so cue yet more tears.

The crapness of the day has been compounded by the fact that today is my dads birthday and I haven't been able to see him or celebrate with him so feel like I have let him down, again!

Now just when I thought I had no more tears to cry I have just spoken to Ben who has had a really traumatic and stressful meeting and feels like crap and was in need of a hug. I wish so much that I could be there for him, I feel like my words are meaningless and that i can't say anything to help him feel better, I guess this is how he feels about me much of the time.

So that takes me to now and all I can think is please god let this day be over but to be honest tomorrow will then be here in a flash and I will undoubtably feel just as crap, fat and useless. There is a new patient coming in tomorrow which I am dreading as it will just be someone else that I will be twice as big as. When oh when will this whole thing stop!!

Not much to say!

As the title may indicate today I don't really have much to say because all that is in my head is how hideous, repulsive, huge, selfish I feel and that I am such a disappointment. I feel like I'm drowning in overwhelming negativity and self loathing and I haven't learnt to tread water.
I'm already in panic mode about weigh day tomorrow and also because tonight I am starting to have 9.45pm snack in the dining room which I am dreading because of looking twice the size of the other patients.

I'm not going to ramble on as it's driving me crazy today so can't imagine what it's like to read the same thing over and over again, but hey that's what's it's like in my head and I said I would always be truthful and this illness is 99% of the time the same repetitive crap day in day out!!

Same old!

I wish I had woken up today feeling much better than yesterday unfortunately I haven't I still feel completely hideous and massive. The nurse on my observation this morning wouldn't let me look at myself in the mirror to body check as she said it would make things worse. In actual fact by not letting me do it that has made me worse because I need to see how bad i look especially my stomach first thing but now I have had breakfast it's even worse and because I didn't really see it this morning it's all now too much and all I want to do is get rid of my food and I don't think I have strength today to fight the urge.

The only saving grace for today is that after a week apart I finally get to see Ben and I can't wait. He has had a manic week so not even managed to talk to him for that long so I am really looking forward to seeing him, I have to admit to also being nervous as I think he will be able to see how much I have changed and how much bigger I have got. Hoping the weather stays dry so we can have 10 minutes outside together in relative privacy. Mom and dad will come later on this afternoon as well which will be good as they go for a meal at the local pub and then come back in the evening so it fills my day quite well.

Decided to try doing some cross stitch after breakfast to act as a distraction method, hmm I think it's meant to be relaxing not sure that's the case for me as after doing three rows I had to undo part and quite frankly was ready to chuck the ruddy thing across the room! Maybe I'll try it when I'm a little calmer and not so stressed, think maybe i'll go back to reading.

Despite me not feeling great yesterday I did manage to do some prompt cards which I have given to dad to laminate so they don't get wrecked in the bathroom. I hope they work but today I don't feel too hopeful.

Don't really have much else to say today as all I can really think about is how huge I look and feel and am finding it hard to think about anything other than that maybe I will have more to say tomorrow.

Mood swings

I can't believe how quickly my mood can change not only day by day but seemingly by the minute. I can go from relatively positive to completely negative, from calm to raging, and happy(ish) to uncontrollable sadness all within a few minutes. This instability is exhausting and much of the time quite overwhelming especially when much of the time I don't know how to deal with emotions, particularly the negative ones.

Yesterday felt quite positive like I was thinking better about the future and how I could make positive steps in challenging myself, thoughts, feelings and how to take steps to stop compensatory methods in order to deal with emotions and to find other ways to manage them. Today however I have woken up feeling like yesterday was nothing but a pipe dream and that I am kidding myself that things can ever change or that I will ever be free of this illness and will only ever be able to exist if I can use compensatory behaviour. I feel completely deflated and useless like all I have done is let people down especially my family.
I have had on three different outfits so far and can't stand to wear any of then because I look huge in everything. I really wanted to wear my jeans and a grey chunky knitted jumper but when I put them on the jeans are now too tight and all it showed was my stomach sticking out my bum looking huge and how big my thighs have got. I asked the nurse if she thought my stomach was sticking out and she said no its just the material in other words yes you look like its sticking out!

The unit in a whole is quite subdued today I think because most of the other patients are waiting to go on leave some today and some over Saturday and Sunday. Me however I'm stuck here no leave and quite frankly today feeling like all I am want to do is die!

I am particularly struggling with the arrival of a new patient she is tiny and looks like she might snap, she isn't on bed rest but I can clearly see I am twice the size of her I just try to avoid being next her so no one can see how big I am. I am also finding her intensely irritating, she jabbers on insessantly like a chattering monkey and so far she has been late to most meals which is not an issue for those patients on the unsupervised tables but for me on supervised it means we can't start till she arrives. This morning alone that left me sitting in the dining room for 10 minutes waiting getting more and more anxious especially as we only have a certain amount of time to eat.
She also got up mid breakfast and started scrutinising the cereal box information and then proceeded to get the peanut butter and discuss the label, I know we all have issues but seriously does she really need to do this at the table when others are desperately trying to get away from this negative behaviour. She has also been told about sitting time several times and still continues to make excuses to get up and wander round, if she doesn't pack it in I'm going to tie lead weights to her feet!!

We have just had patient support group, this is a group we have each morning at 9.30am for half an hour and to say its excruciating would be an understatement. It's a patient led thing where we can discuss issues or share problems and gain support unfortunately no one really speaks so it ends up being half an hour of an uncomfortable silence that almost always ends up raising anxiety levels.
I found today particularly difficult as all I could think was that everyone was looking at me and thinking how big and ugly I am.

Have also had weekend support group which is when people share what their plans,challenges and fears are for the weekend particularly for those going on leave. It was good to hear what people are doing but just made me feel even crapper that I'm stuck her missing Ben, my family, friends, Mr George and my home.

Was going to have a go at doing some prompt cards to put up on the bathroom door and on the wall near the toilet and sink just to try to stop me in my tracks before vomiting and make me stop and think rather than just reacting however today I can't think of anything useful to put as today I just feel like its all just pointless.

Freedom!!

I just had the feeling I imagine people get when being released from prison. For the first time in almost two months I have been allowed outside to sit in the court yard for 10 minutes. Air has never felt so good the cool breeze on my skin and the clean fresh smell so crisp and clear in a word amazing. Who would have thought so much pleasure could be got from an activity others do each day without thinking. After two months though I felt a real sense of freedom and of calmness and clarity.

This is a very welcome feeling today being weigh day, my weight did increase slightly but since my melt down on Monday I'm afraid to say on a couple of occasions I have vomited due to my sheer panic that because I had stopped that's why my weight jumped Monday and panic over what it would now be if I hadn't been doing it at all. So now I'm back to square one or that's how it feels, I'm already dreading Monday incase it jumps up again if I don't use compensatory behaviour between now and then.
However my aim which I have talked about with my named nurse and the dietician this morning was to find ways in which I can look at stopping this behaviour and challenging my thoughts. I am going to try writing down every time I get the urge and also tell the staff member I'm with. Hopefully if I can do this I will be able to see if there is any sort of pattern or if it gets worse after any particular meal or event and then find ways to challenge it and find other ways to deal with the feelings and emotions triggering the reaction. I guess it's also important to try to remember that this is a behaviour I have used for 11 years and therefore can't expect it to go away in five minutes. My biggest fear is that I won't ever be able to stop as if I can't do it in here how on earth will I manage in the real world.

On a different note the ed nurse came to see me yesterday and to be honest my opinion of her hasn't changed, she did however advise me that I should be able to get funding to go on to the day care programme when I leave the inpatient unit if that's how I want to go forward. Also as the local team currently have no dietician that should also be funded for me to continue to see the dietician here. She has given me the option to see another ed nurse from the neighbouring team if i don't want to see her but would have to travel to them and I won't be able to meet her unless I choose to go with them as my care provider, this seems completely backwards to me how do I pick care from someone I have never even met? Well either way I have three weeks to decide. Im not entirely sure how when I can't even see how I'm going to get through the next day let alone think about how I'm going to feel and what care I will want/need in several months.