The stresses of selling a house!!

It's been a while since I last wrote primarily because I didn't want it to bore anyone that should read with the sad excuse for my life!! 

As you can tell from my tone life has not exactly been particularly kind to me of late with things gradually slipping further and further downhill. Following a difficult wisdom tooth extraction  I developed a nasty infection which impacted hugely on my ability to eat worse still I managed to get a virus at the same time which played havoc with my blood pressure causing me to faint at increasingly often intervals. Needless to say this had an impact on my weight which was already causing concern to my cpn. However despite several conversations regarding readmission to a specialist unit I have still remained free to reek havoc on the world.

The past few months have been super stressful desperately trying to move on with life without Ben and dealing with the breakup of a close friendship. I thought the world of the man I thought of as my best friend and would have walked over hot coals for him. I supported him while he was at his lowest point following the breakup of his long term relationship and did all I could to get him through it. I to this day still remain quite shocked, hurt and disappointed over the way he has gone on to treat me. One minute we were spending all the time we could together then suddenly he was gone, turns out he had started seeing someone new but didn't think me worthy enough as his so called best friend to tell me. I haven't seen him now since June when I went out with friends for my birthday, which also ended with me in hospital for the night but that's another story! He has recently made contact to ask to meet up but we shall see.

So on top of the upset of loosing my friend Five months ago Ben and I reluctantly accepted an offer on our house, much lower than we hoped for but were assured it was a cash buyer looking for a quick sale. However now five months on and the sale has still not gone through and now having signed contracts the purchasers have decided they want a further £6k off the already crazy low price. To say this has pushed me closer to the edge would be an understatement. We of course told them in no uncertain terms to do one but sadly having sat down with Ben we have realised that In fact we have no option but to agree to the demands of the buyer or as I prefer the bitch cow from hell!! We have managed to get a slightly better offer getting them to agree to a £3500 reduction rather than the full £6 k. The fear now is as we are expecting to exchange on the 4th November when they return from a holiday that they will do the same again, change their mind and demand more money off. If this happens I really have no idea what we will do as we already can't cover our full debts with what we're getting. So another two weeks of worrying over that is sure to follow.

The house saga leads me nicely on to the Ben situation, you would think after over a year things would be getting easier for me to deal with but the truth is it isn't. Despite hating the way he has treated me and some of the issues that have come out during the divorce proceedings and in trying to sort finances which have hurt me no end the sad truth of the matter is that I still miss him. I want to hate him, some of the time I do but then I think back to all the happy times we had but that makes it even worse because now I doubt they were ever real. I don't know if he ever really loved me and if all the times I thought we were happy were real at all. I find myself sitting thinking about him and wondering what he's doing and worse still wondering if he ever thinks about me and the past, if he ever has any feelings towards me other than hate. I've lost count of the times I've shed tears over him and how close I've come to just wanting to end it all, end the pain and the stress I cause to my friends and family.

I think the main reason I've not gone that far is seeing the devastation that the recent suicide of a very good friend of mine has caused to all those who loved her, all the unanswered questions of why and what could we have done. Sad thing is there was nothing anyone could do when you get to that point that you see no other option and make that choice there is no going back. It devastates me to think this is now the third friend I have lost to mental illness and even sadder I doubt it will be the last.

Anyway if your still reading I've probably depressed more than enough for a Sunday or any day for that matter so I shall just bugger off and do something productive or maybe I'll just watch Hollyoaks 😉

A year on

So today marks a year since I was discharged from inpatient care not sure where the time has gone or how I feel about that year. I cheerfully posted on Facebook this morning celebrating the event and was met with lovely comments of happiness and pride and congratulations on how well I was doing. All were lovely and nice to read but I can't help but feel like a fraud because truth be told all is not as well as I would like people to think. The smiles have become less convincing and few and far between and the struggles and the demons shouting at me have become more common place and some days relentless. Inpatient care has been advised on more than one occasion which I have of course refused adamantly shrugged it off and continued on my way. 

I feel trapped in my life and to be honest I'm tired of fighting and in the words of Robbie Williams " I don't want to die! but I ain't keen on living either!" 

Life had picked up for a while I had begun to grow in confidence and started socialising even making some new friends someone close to me was going through a difficult time following a breakup and I spent as much time as I could helping him through, in all honesty he was helping me just as much as I him. However as always that person let me down. Going AWOL without a real explanation so once again I was left feeling rubbish like I had done something wrong and driven someone else away. I have tried to resolve things but not really got anywhere with it. 

I feel so alone much of the time but my therapist tells me that I have to learn to be content in myself, easier said than done when you find every aspect of your mere being a complete and utter disappointment and waste of time. Having spent the last god knows how many years disappointing people, hurting them and letting them down I don't really know how to see myself in any better light.

Oh shut up beck! I know shouldn't complain guess it's just the realisation of a year on and things not being much better guess that's why I try to ignore anniversarys so I don't dwell on things. Hey hoh onwards and upwards,oh and if you think this post is depressing just wait till it's my birthday ;-)

Life confuses me!

I have been desperately trying to figure out a plan of action for life! Now while I appreciate each day at a time as a good moto while trying to recover from any illness especially an eating disorder it just doesn't sit well with me and my need to know what I'm doing and when I'm doing it. I get that this is in part down to my need to have control over things but equally I have been like this long before my ed even as a child I wanted to have plans and things to be right, oh maybe I should discuss this with my therapist! 

Any how in trying to plan for the future all it has done is caused more confusion than ever I just can't seem to answer the age old question what do I want to do? In truth I haven't got a clue there are lots of things I'm interested in but do or can I peruse these in to a career. I'm fascinated with criminology, but equally nursing would give me an immense amount of pleasure as would working with children. Problem is I should have been considering all these options when I was 18 not 32 but instead I decided to mess my life up with an eating disorder and go to hospital rather than uni. If I hear one more person say it's never to late I think I will scream in principal yes I agree but unfortunately life gets in the way of making monumental changes at this age for a start where the hell do I get the money from to pay for such a change in direction? All things are possible I hear you say, where there's a will there's a way so I suppose the question should really be have I got the will....

Not sure is my answer hence my confusion I think trapped is how I feel at the moment unsure of who I really am and what I truly want from the rest of my life. I would be lieing if I said I was not still struggling with the breakdown of my marriage and finding it hard to accept that life as was planned will not be that way and seeing that Ben has moved on without a second thought of me hurts. While I dont wish him to be unhappy it's hard to think he no longer thinks about me or gets sad that we're no longer together. It breaks my heart when I go to what was our house to collect various bits of post and I stand In the empty shell that was once a happy home just waiting for someone to show any interest in buying it. 

Realistically I have a lot going on trying to go through a divorce and sell a house while at the same time battling to continue gaining some wait and fight the demons that are constantly screaming in my head perhaps that is challenge enough for now and I should put life plans on hold. Pah who am I kidding I just can't live that way so for now I guess it's back to the soul searching.

Hello 2014

I didn't realise just how long it had been since I last wrote anything but as they say time flys when your having fun. So it's been four months since I left treatment in Birmingham and returned to the care of my local team, despite some reservations on their ability I'm actually getting on well with my cpn and she is being both helpful and supportive. Life has been a mixed bag of late some good, some bad and some down right challenging.

My weight unfortunately has dropped and prior to christmas there was the threat of another inpatient stay but this time somewhere as far afield as Grimsby! However in true Boo fashion I managed to knuckle down put on a little weight and kept the doors to another hell hole firmly closed. I wish I could say that the threat isn't still looming but I'm fighting to get back to where I was, I've even realised that I prefer the way I both looked and felt at a heavier weight, all I need to do now is quieten the voice in my head that still encourages me to purge, easy then!

That aside life has been ok I'm still working a few hours a week but due to the weight loss haven't been able to increase as yet but at least I'm still out there giving landlords and tenants a hard time! I seem to have mastered the art of socialising thanks to the help of my amazing and supportive friends and now regularly meet up with them and have even managed to eat out in a large group several times, an every day task for most I know but a whopping great mountain was climbed for me.

My best friend sadly split from his fiancée and so we have been seeking solace in each other's company wallowing at times over our losses and sinking in a pit of self blame but for the most laughing at life and the crap it's thrown us getting out and having some well deserved fun. It's fair to say he has and continues to be my rock and I love him to the moon and back.

So that brings me nicely on to the subject of Ben, hmmmmm what can I say on that? Well the divorce is progressing and he has now moved in to a house with his girlfriend leaving our house on the market for sale. I still have days when I could cry for England over my loss and miss him desperately but most of the time I reflect on our time together and realise things were not all they seemed and that I'm not solely to blame for the situation were now in, other days Im so angry I could smash his face in better hope when I see him Friday to sort our joint stuff out I'm not having one of those days! As for his new girlfriend well despite the fact that she was living in my house and sleeping in my bed with my husband (ok we were split but you get the point!) I still managed when I walked in on her casually sitting in bed not to drag her out of the house by her hair and beat her to a pulp, even I'm amazed at the restraint I've shown but then neither of them are worth a criminal record!

Well that's a short snippet of the last few months I would have mentioned the persessive stalker I acquired in the interests of time I'll leave that for my next post.

Scary times

So the end is in sight I am nearly at the end of my stay in day treatment and its almost time for me to be returned to the wild of reality. So how do I feel, truth is I have absolutely no idea. my emotions change on a minute by minute basis ranging from fear to excitement, sadness to happiness and almost every other emotion in between. By the time I leave I will have been in treatment for over a year and so so much has changed the thought of leaving that safe environment is nothing short of terrifying. I went in to treatment to get well to make a better life not just for me but for my relationship with Ben, we had so many plans for our future all the hard work although unbearable at times seemed totally worth while. It's amazing just how much can change in a relatively short space of time obviously Ben and i are no longer together and sadly divorce proceedings are now underway after he admitted there was no hope of reconciliation and he had become "close" to another girl. Now while this dealt me a devastating blow it was the honesty I had been asking for for months and finally gave me the courage to try to move on. Easier said than done and I feel like I'm on a roller coaster that I'd quite like to stop and get off for a while.

As its not possible to stop life at convenient moments to reflect and take a step back and look where you are and where your going I'm left with having to do just that but while the fast pace of life continues around me. A million decisions to be made and a new future to be built, it's not surprising that my head hurts!

what's next then? I'm not really sure somehow I have to start all over again build a new life in which I'm self sufficient and self reliant and able to take on life's challenges head on. That said I'm by no means alone I have got the best friends and the most amazing family without whom I would not have got to this point I would simply have given up long ago. Yet here I am still fighting, I wish I could say that it was a breeze and I get through each day without a thought of weight, shape, or Ben but that would be a lie what's changed is the way I deal with those thoughts.

I guess that's the best I can hope, for well for now at least, but I'm a million miles from where i was this time last year. I just spent another week in Ibiza with my parents and managed to go a couple of days without calorie counting, eating and drinking what I liked (albeit with some guilt and worry) and even joined in with the daily entertainment team activities on my own. There is no way I would have had the confidence to do this or the energy for that mater but in doing so I chatted to some lovely people and had some very nice comments on both my personality and even how nice I looked.

So it's with renewed confidence that I look to the future I'm not expecting miracles and I know I still have a long way to go and many challenges still to face its just now I'm better equipped to deal with them. So I'm working Saturdays back at work and have made plans for a phased and gradual return in to full time but my manager and colleagues have and continue to be an amazing sport to me not expecting anything and giving me all the time I need to get back up to speed with things. Although I do find I'm quite tired come the end of the day I'm enjoying the feeling of responsibility and doing something useful again.

Question is then, Am I ready to leave treatment?who knows but guess I'm as ready as i'll ever be.

Just have to keep in mind how far I've come and that I never want to go back :-) 

A good weekend

After weeks of struggling to cope with loosing so much and finding life in day care quite hard at times a good weekend was a welcome change. I sang with the operatic society I have joined on Saturday as part of the Lichfield festival, the sun shone beautifully and I'm told the singing wasn't bad either. It was so nice to be out and doing something that I truly love. I find singing gives me freedom from eating disorder thoughts which if only for small amounts of time feels amazing and gives me a huge buzz. My parents came along as well as my good friend tim and we spent a lovely afternoon at the festival, well in a beer garden. I then spent a childish couple of hours at the cinema watching despicable me with tim which made me chuckle.

Im pleased to say Sunday continued in the same vain the sun shone and with my parents, sister and brother in law we went to the new pub that has opened where we had been invited for a free meal and two free drinks each as part of their pre opening training day. Now I admit that this was more of a challenge as weatherspoons put the calories on everything which made my choice really hard as I was massively governed by that and not by really what I wanted i had already looked at the menu on line and chosen something in advance but when I got there found it was a limited menu and surprise surprise what i chose wasn't on there, i had a moment of panic and said I couldn't do it and would eat at home however a few deep breaths and a talk with mother soon set me back into calmer thinking that enabled me to make a decision Choosing a chicken burger and salad, which I have to say was very nice, I even managed to force down a beer and a glass of wine. I spent the remainder of the afternoon sitting in the garden topping up my tan before heading off to ballroom dancing with mom.

Dancing was fun but the hall was crazy hot and I think I sweat half a stone off! To make up for it though I met up with three good friends and along with my parents went along to a charity quiz night and rock and roll bingo and forced down a few vodkas and a beer or two (only to replace what I lost dancing you understand) it was a fun night even if we were crap at the quiz coming last but we did win at rock and roll bingo so yay us!

All in all a lovely weekend helped along by beautiful weather and amazing friends.

Another step

So I finally left my home on the ward to face the real world for a while. Well real world been a week in Ibiza which was amazing, stressful at times and although there were several times when I felt overwhelmed by it all I still carried on and had a fab holiday. Now I'm back to reality and I have started daycare which is 8am till 4pm Monday to Friday so far its going ok it's a lot different to the unit but I think I needed that, it's far more relaxed and certainly less intense.
I had a dreaded birthday yesterday which I'm not great with at the best of times as I always feel like its another year of my life I've wasted having an eating disorder, however while there were certainly elements of that thinking yesterday this year at least I can hold my hands up honestly and say I'm fighting it and making progress on my journey.
I took a huge step last night and arranged to go out for a meal not just with my parents but also with several very good friends I admit I was terrified at the thought of eating with them but I never the less faced my fear and had a really good time. I went back to my friends house and watched a DVD and it was lovely to feel special on my birthday and that was down to them. I did have a wobble where I got upset about Ben, its the first birthday in 12 years without him or even a card and that was hard to face. I am still missing him desperately and trying to find a way through but it is not an easy task. However I have some amazing friends who are supporting and loving me and I couldn't ask for more.
So this Saturday I'm really challenging myself and I'm holding a BBQ to which I have invited lots of people and I am raising money for Macmillan and also for the unit which was my home for almost nine months, just my way of giving something back to them for giving me back my life. The second big challenge of the day however will be me going back to work, I will be working just Saturdays for the time being and while I am excited to be going back I am terrified. I'm scared on several levels, what people will say to me about how I look, scared about not remembering what to do or finding that everything's changed and scared of eating not just lunch but also snacks. Oh well guess I will just have to continue as I have been, feeling the fear and doing it anyway.

An end in sight

I can't believe it the last few weeks have been hell and life has felt like it may as well have ended and while I am still struggling to comprehend what has happened and loosing Ben has devastated me I have somehow managed to keep going.
In actual fact I have turned a bit of a corner powered through and started to take back my life, I started by seeing my wonderful friends who have and continue to be a power of strength and truly amazing taking it a step further I have bitten the bullet and joined a local musical society which I was terrified at doing as I didn't know anyone but the first night went well and everyone seemed really friendly, it didn't stop there though I have also taken up ballroom, salsa and Latin American dance classes which was so much fun and gentle enough as not to tip the balance with my weight or affect my heart.

Last night I went to a BBQ and film night at a friends house and managed to eat with people without purging and these were mostly people I didn't know, I even managed a glass of wine or 2 (alright it was the entire bottle but who's counting!) I admit I felt uncomfortable and quite scared and anxious but they were all wonderful and I hope to see much more of them and get myself involved (if they'll have me!) in more things.

Food wise things are going quite well I'm still having my wobbles and occasional purge but it a million times better than it was and I'm learning about portion sizes. Diet wise it is so much better having been so terrified I would never be able to eat a 'normal' diet I am pleased to say I now have full portions for all meals, three snacks and a pudding and even more glad that it didn't make my weight rocket out of control as I had feared.
I even managed to have my first Chinese takeaway at the weekend after a practice one on the unit, I was terrified but really enjoyed it. My next challenge will be a meal out, maybe this weekend and to make the challenge even bigger I might have steak and chips!

So things seem to be getting there putting the Ben situation aside and I had good news last week I have been given a discharge date to leave inpatient care and to progress on to day care, I am shocked and terrified in case it all goes wrong but at the same time I don't think I will ever really feel ready but I am so proud that through all the nightmares I have come up against I am still here seen it through to the end and not discharged myself. So here's to the 22nd may oh and the week in Ibiza on the 24th may to celebrate.

Destroyed!

I feel like my world has been destroyed and the one thing I was sure of has been ripped away.

I went on leave on Wednesday and went home to talk to Ben as I feared the outcome was not what I wanted but what I had feared, we talked, shouted, cried, and then fell asleep in each others arms, it was at that point that I thought we had a chance, I was wrong. Ben told me that he was going to Devon for a couple of days to join his parents who were there on holiday as he needed space to think and get his head straight but if I asked him for a decision there and then I wouldn't like the answer.

I was distraught so I called a taxi as I couldn't face watching him drive away, I spent the next couple of days at mom and dads inconsolable and very confused. Ben txt me several times the first to say he was going away to make sure he was staying with me for the right reasons and not leaving for the wrong! This just confused me even more than I was! There were several other texts each one ended with "I love you xx" I felt like maybe there was hope that a break away would recharge him and we would be ok.

Yet again I was wrong, he returned on Saturday and after a lovely afternoon with my girlfriends they dropped me back at the house. I was so scared I felt like my heart was in my mouth sick and terrified of what he would say.

We tiptoed about for the first five minutes or so making general conversation about this and that until he announced that he couldn't drag it on any longer and wanted out. It's fair to say my upset turned to anger and I yelled at him that he was a lier that he didn't love me because if he did he wouldn't be walking away. I told him the day we got married was a complete lie as his vows clearly meant nothing in sickness and in health till death us part well they clearly mean nothing to him and therefore I can only assume he is a lier. I tried to smash the wedding picture on the wall but Ben took it off me so I removed another and smashed it and told him by the time I got back I wanted him gone at that point I left walked round the corner and collapsed on to the floor in an inconsolable state and waited for mom to get me.

Mom bundled me in to the car and we got half way to hers and I said I wanted to go back, part of me hoped he would be there and have decided after all I had said that he did love me and couldn't be without me I was wrong he had gone and his actions clearly spoke volumes to me what had he taken? The computer and his new camera! Proved to me what his priorities are.

So I have spent the last week inconsolably crying, feeling destroyed and confused. Despite me asking several times for an explanation as to why and why now he refuses to give me one. The only thing he txt me was that it would never have been a good time but now I'm stronger I will hopefully be more able to cope!! Cheers Ben so I've picked myself up started to make real progress and then you pull the rug from underneath me and knock me back down.

As he refuses to give me the answers I need I am left to only make assumptions, I have come to the conclusion that me getting better threatened the life he had not only got while I was in hospital but the life he had had for a year or so prior to my admission. I have never stopped him doing anything I stood by him when he wanted to start his own business despite us being financially crippled and almost loosing the house because it was his dream and was determined to make a go of it and I had faith in him, he has continued to be part of his theatre groups and gone out with friends on nights out often not even coming home. Through all of this I have stood by never telling him he couldn't do them and continued to cook and clean and not really asking anything from him in return. His life style was not massively affected by me being in hospital he continued to do all the things he did before and I always told him to put himself and work first and that I would understand if he couldn't come and visit, I even told him not to come at weekends so he had time for himself. Well what a bloody mistake that was over the last few months he has come less and less to the point that even some members of staff have commented on him not being here, he has gone out more and more and continued to post photos of him out and about drinking and cavorting with friends without a thought to how they might make me feel but I put up with it as I thought that I was doing all I could to ensure we could enjoy things together. He has effectively led a single mans life but with a wife who would cook and clean and not really ask for anything in return. The time that I ask for something and he decides he now can't cope and so buggers off!!
I now think that he realised that with me getting better I would want to be involved in his life wanting to go out with him and spend time as a couple and this would interfere with his own social life which I'm not part of. I did tell him this and asked him why he didn't invite me he said that I never wanted to go or couldn't face people which is true but I have been making changes and I pointed out how would he know if he didn't ask. The point is he didn't ask and I foolishly didn't just invite myself or tell him not to go so we could do stuff together I suppose I was too scared to stop him doing stuff incase he resented me for it how wrong was I.

So what now? In truth I have no idea it is still so very raw and I am desperately hurt, angry, confused and more importantly heart broken. Ben is the love of my life but more than that I thought he was my soul mate and best friend but a wise man told me (my dad) someone can only be a soul mate if they feel the same. Until now I thought he did feel the same and that he wanted the future we planned together, the future I've been fighting seven months for us to have.

It's a mess were married, have a house and mortgage together, debts together and most importantly a cat!! What happens now I really don't know where I live and how the hell I start rebuilding a life I don't know. I didn't think at almost 32 I would be starting all over again, all I have known for the last 12 years is Ben every happy memory is of him and my reason for living has been him and I'm not sure how to face a future without him, until this last week I have not gone a single day in 12 years without speaking to him and I have gone from that to a future when I never see or speak to him again. I'm so scared and don't have any idea what to do, I am just so thankful I have truly amazing friends and family who are supporting, loving and guiding me through this who without I would not be here.

When dreams become nightmares and nightmares become reality!!

I think it would be true to say that my world collapsed on Saturday, everything I believed in, felt secure with was destroyed in a few minutes and left me feeling like i was free falling without a parachute just waiting to hit the ground.

After a few very difficult weeks recently with one thing and another I finally felt over the last couple that I had turned a corner, I had settled back in to unit life with a renewed vigour to fight this illness and to finally be strong and well. I have been looking at my future and reevaluating my options and thinking about what I want to do, even thinking about new activities I think I might enjoy and even taking steps to find out where I could try them.

The most important step for me however was my ignited passion to make a better future and relationship for Ben and I. I realised just how hard my illness has been on him as well as me and how much of a real relationship it has robbed us both of and how much I want if back.
I find it so difficult to be physically close as I'm so uncomfortable in my own body I can't begin to comprehend why anyone would want to touch or be close to it let alone think its in any way attractive, it's because of this that I have avoided too much physical contact but I realise this must have felt like I was pushing Ben away and probably left him feeling unloved, unwanted and possibly like I didn't find him attractive, in fact nothing could be farther from the truth. I want nothing more than to be close to him and to be able to show him that closeness. So the last couple of weeks I have really tried to make steps to improve our relationship not leaps I grant you but steps never the less but as some famous bloke once said "one small step for man one giant leap for mankind" we'll I guess the same goes for me.

I have tried to spend as much time with Ben as I can, pushing anorexic thoughts as far away as possible so that where I can all my attention has been on Ben. I have taken steps to get closer physically sitting next to him on the sofa rather than on the other sofa cuddling and generally showing more affection. We have gone out together to things that I have not only suggested but also arranged finally taking a more equal and active part in the relationship instead of being looked after and Ben having to take on the role of carer rather than husband. It's fair to say I felt better about stuff even when things were hard or weight stressed me out at least I felt as a couple we were getting stronger and I was getting stronger and that I was finally fighting for me as well as for others. I realised there is no me but only a we as in my mind Ben and I are one only now were both fighting rather than Ben fighting on his own.

So imagine my distress, confusion, sadness and complete helplessness when Ben told me on Saturday that he didn't think we could have the future we wanted and we should split up! It came following a talk about the steps I had been taking and me asking if he ever felt like he couldn't take anymore and wanted to leave. He explained that if he had wanted to go he would have done after all I have told him many times that I would understand if he wanted to walk away and get the better life he so deserved but he has always said that I am his life and he wanted to spend it with me. He explained how hard the last 18 months have been but realised the steps I had been taking to make us stronger and then in what felt like a blink of an eye he was telling me he didn't think we had a future and he wanted to split! I've never actually been stabbed but I imagine it couldn't be more painful that the feeling of those words cutting straight through me like a knife, the words resonating in my head like like I've knocked the repeat button and am now unable up turn it off.

Distressed doesn't even come close to how I felt and indeed still feel. I don't think I have ever gone through such a variety of emotions in a short space of time first came a calm almost accepting resolve quickly followed by immense sadness, tears, distress, begging and then anger. Then jumbling together to create an emotional wreck of a human who was unable to think, comprehend or feel.

I begged him to reconsider pointing out I had really started to make changes and that I was stronger in myself and was prepared to fight for us to be ok and he didn't need to fight for the two of us anymore and I could fight for the both of us.

Ben went out as he said he needed to think and so I too went out and ended up walking for three and a half miles till I ended up at a pub with a vodka shot in one hand and a cigarette in the other, night good considering I hadn't smoked since the smoking ban came in but it just felt right in a world where nothing else did.

By the time I returned Ben told me he thought we were worth fighting for but he needed to get his head straight. Sunday was hard we both put on our fake exteriors and went to gadget show live as planned.

Monday morning however as I was about to leave to go back to the unit I felt such unease that if I went back I would be sealing the date of our relationship and didn't know what to do. I explained to ben that I was terrified if I went that he would change his mind again and say it was over. In the end I couldn't face going back and being alone and so I stopped at mom and dads for some tlc returning to the unit yesterday morning.

The unit was horrid as I just couldn't face the constant questioning if I was ok and ended up sleeping much of the day just to get through.

So here I am I am hoping for open leave for a week from today to try to get something sorted and the plan is to go home today to talk things through. I am so scared that this talk will just lead to the same conclusion as last time and I will be left with nothing but fear, misery and anger. All I am sure of is that even though I might have nothing or no one to go out to I will not give up in my personal journey to beat this illness as I've come too far and worked too hard to throw it away.

A few steps forward

Finally took a tentative step last week by finally going from introductory portions at lunch to normal portions. I started last Thursday as it was sandwiches at lunch I could just have a packet of crisps to make it a normal portion I also thought it would be easier at lunch as I could just do the same on my leave at the weekend. Thursday went ok but Friday lunch was a cooked meal of fish goujons, mash and veg and when it came it really freaked me out as it was huge plus the fish was battered and not breaded as it had stated on the menu and it took me several attempts to make a start, however I did get through it with support and reassurance from staff.

I was lucky to get any support as to be honest the ward has been a crazy place over the last couple of weeks and there have not been enough staff members to give the support and help to all the patients particularly as one patient is on two to one obs and constantly sets the alarms off. The staff have mostly been with this patient leaving the rest of us feeling completely unimportant and unsupported. We raised the issue in community meeting but the staff nurse said she was sorry and understood I politely pointed out I didn't want an apology and false platitudes what I wanted was an answer as to what they were doing to rectify the situation, but as per usual we were told they would raise our comments and concerns with management, wonderful!! Luckily we have all been really supportive of each other.

So I went on leave again from Friday till Monday this week as I was at the dentist yesterday morning. It was far more successful than the last two weeks and I really tried to have more routine with my eating meaning that I didn't leave massive gaps between meals and snacks and had them at more regular intervals in the hope this would prevent hunger kicking in causing me to pick on food and then purge it. On a whole it went ok a few wobbles and panics but ok.

Can't believe its ward round again already I have asked for Friday day as well as usual weekend leave this week as its my sisters birthday and I wanted to take her shopping and to the cinema fingers crossed I will get it and that I have another reasonable weekend.

Disaster

In a word that would describe my weekend leave it did not go well and made me feel like I have not moved forward at all except for getting fatter!!

Saturday Ben and I were going to test drive a car with mom, well Ben was there to advise I was there to look at the beautiful beetle I saw the week before, then after lunch we were going to the cinema. Disaster number one was that it took longer at the car garage than anticipated which was fine but I then freaked out and said I couldn't eat a sandwich in the car, despite the fact I could before and so we ended up not having time to go to the cinema. I know deep down the reason I couldn't do it was incase I freaked out and decided I couldn't keep it and needed to vomit so it was just like before, completely ruining my day and dictating what I was able to do.

We ended up going home after lunch at moms and watching a film which in itself was nice but not really what either of us had wanted to do.
Ben went out to a celebration meal on the evening and so I went to moms for dinner. I made a lasagne but panicked when putting it out with mom that the portion was too big and so made it smaller. I managed it ok but disaster struck after when I couldn't stop myself picking at more of it which caused me to freak out and make myself sick. In hindsight I think the original portion size was better.

So that wrote Saturday off as pretty much ruined but I hoped Sunday would be better, alas it wasn't!

As it was Mother's Day I planned to make a small buffet lunch for everyone which while I made it it went ok and I resisted the urge to eat anything but that wasn't the case afterwards and yet again I found myself picking, panicking and purging. I stayed for the day as Ben went over to see his mom and have dinner with her on the night while I had dinner with mom. Dinner itself was ok and I had a small pudding instead of an afternoon snack and although I had to question the portion size several times it went ok. Same old though I couldn't seem to stop myself picking at bits after not a binge but enough to freak me out so I didn't really know how much I had eaten and so inevitably had to purge. Went back to the unit for 9pm and for the first time in a long time was glad to be back so I couldn't possibly have more food than normal.

I explained to my family and the nursing team what had happened and said that possibly the introductory portion size is not really enough and my body is causing me to pick because it needs more than its getting, of course purging for the last couple of weeks more frequently has not really helped.

So a decision has been made, I have to go a full week without purging so my body can settle down slightly so i have a real idea what my weight is doing and providing all stays stable I will take the plunge and go to normal portions which is both exciting and terrifying me.

So far I have done two and a half days and touch wood weight has not done much, all I am worried about is getting through the weekend when there will be food around. I should hopefully see a dietician prior to then so I can make a fixed plan of what and how much I am going to eat and fingers crossed we have a better weekend.

Two steps forward, twenty five back!!!!

I feel like everything has gone completely tits up nothing has gone right since my fall.

Heart diagnosis is not great and I believe the technical term for the state of my heart would be knackered!! It is only working at between 10 & 20% of what it should be and I have now had to start taking another two tablets as well as increasing the dose of another two. That aside the ct scan showed that the fluid has finally gone from around my heart and lungs and there is no fluid in my abdomen which is all good. Well good except for the fact that my abdomen is still distended and my weight has still not come back down.

I finally got discharged from the general on Friday night as they were happy the scans were clear and could find no medical reason for the distended abdomen and they even said it wasn't swollen despite nursing staff agreeing it was. I was adamant I would not go back to the unit as I felt like I just couldn't trust them they promised me they would not allow my weight to increase rapidly and that's exactly what has happened and when questioned they just say they don't know why.

Friday night was horrific I told the unit I was leaving but agreed to go back Monday to speak to the doctor and nursing team. Ben and I had a really bad night with lots and lots of tears and upset which continued for me across the weekend as I was certain I didn't trust the unit enough to go back and would therefore have to get my stomach and weight to go down my way. Unfortunately my way is to vomit after eating which I had started to do in the general hospital because I was so scared about the weight gain and swollen stomach and worrying I was eating too much and although I told people I was back in the cycle and am now terrified to break it again as my weight is going up enough doing it so what the hell will it do if I stop.

Despite a difficult weekend which was spent in the most at my parents due to Ben having prior commitments I did my best to keep food down as I know that vomiting won't actually make anything better it will just screw my body up more and my heart probably wouldn't stand it again. But I am too scared to eat and keep it all because of my weight and stomach.

Ben called the unit Monday morning and arranged for us and my parents to go in to see the nursing team and the dietician at 2.30pm quite frankly it was a disaster no one seemed to have any answers and the dietician said she had never experienced this kind of weight gain but also had never treated someone who had been at such a low weight as I was. Never the less hearing the dietician say she has no clue what's going on doesn't really fill you with confidence to stay. The meeting with the doctor didn't go any better and I ended up walking out of that too. I managed to leave the unit all together finally proving that no locked doors would stop me if I was determined to go and I went over to the general to get a coffee. Ben came over and said that the doctor had informed them that the ultrasound scans had shown something I had not been informed of and that was I have excess air in the bowels (no wonder I can fart for England!!)and this could explain some of the stomach distention and he would be referring me to see a gastroenterologist.

I agreed after a lengthy conversation with my named nurse that I would return to the unit at 10am yesterday and give it a couple of weeks to see what happens, see if my weight settles and if I can get back on track with eating.

I kept to my word and returned to the unit yesterday and along with my parents had a meeting with the consultant which was not all particularly helpful and he said he would not see any reason to have me referred to a gastroenterologist despite me being told this the day before, I did point this out and was told he was the consultant and the other doctor was his junior I suggested that in future in may be advisable for them to communicate with each other then rather than telling patients two conflicting things!!

I have requested fixed leave so I always get from Friday night till Sunday night at home as long as there is no change physical health wise which he didn't seem to adverse to but did say it would be a team decision which isn't true as he makes the final decision no matter what he says. I also pointed out that I felt I had been given no real help with regards to body image issues and asked for a fixed plan of action to be put in place to address this.

I also saw the junior doctor who is still adamant he is referring me to the gastroenterologist and fingers crossed he will do that today but I will wait and see what happens when I get my ward round feed back later.

So that's been the last week so quite crap and stressful for all involved, I know Ben and my parents are happier now I'm back here as they think this is the only place I stand a fighting chance of getting well to my mind though I am still unconvinced but have agreed to give it a couple of weeks to see what happens and I will keep to that promise.

Heart failure revisited!!

I have a distinct sense of dejavu going on as I sit here in bed at the general hospital where my bad luck seems to be continuing.

I went on leave last Saturday and finally got my hair done and then along with my parents we went to see Bens show throughout which I had a feeling that all was not well with him, my feelings were correct as he was not well and had thrown up mid show I took my brave soldier home and put him to bed. Sunday morning he said he felt a bit better and demolished fried eggs on toast and felt ok to go to work (filming a dance show) I decided to spend the day at my parents rather than on my own after I had met up with the girlies for a coffee in the morning. I had a fab time catching up with them and was a great start to my day.
After lunch mom and I went over to hobby craft but while there I began to feel unwell really sick and light headed we left and went back to my house to collect stuff to go back to unit after dinner that night, however when I got there I threw up and felt rotten and then continued throwing up till about 8.30pm.

In light of this the unit would not have me back until 72 hours from the last symptom and so I was stuck without any meal plan or portioning guidelines and in the whole time I didn't get a single phone call to enquire how I was or if I needed any help or support despite the fact I have been there for nearly six months and had only had one leave when main meals were involved and they were planed down to the spoon size. That aside I managed with much support from Ben and my parents to muddle through basing food round the things we new how to portion.

During this time my abdomen remained swollen and the weight I had initially lost taking the water tablets was going back on, I was finding it increasingly difficult to sleep again due to not been able to breath lying down and constantly coughing along with the pain that has now moved from the hip in to my back. I was so distressed that had I have been more selfish I would have topped myself as it was all too much to take.

In light of this Ben arranged for me to see the doctor from the unit in outpatients on Tuesday afternoon as Ben was not happy that nothing appeared to be being looked at and felt that I was just at a feeding farm without any physical or psychological help and support.

The doctor was good but didn't manage to allay my fears that my abdomen is going to return back to how it was and said he couldn't increase the water tablets without speaking to the medical team at the general as they were prescribed by a consultant, I stressed this needed to be done then as they were clearly not working. I was asked on the Wednesday to keep a record of urine input and output which was let's say interesting, weeing in to a jug!!!! He had also arranged for a ct scan to happen on Friday at 2pm to see what was happening in my heart and lungs as it would give a clearer picture than the X-ray and ultrasound.

I returned to the unit on Thursday morning after breakfast with much coercion from Ben as I really didn't see any point and it was already a really hard day for me as it was the three year anniversary of my nans death. As soon as I got there I saw the doctor who assured me he would contact the cardiologist and get some advice regarding medication. I waited all day and then the doctor said he had spoken to the secretary for the cardiologist who was unable to get me an earlier appointment than the one I have for April and so he had emailed him directly for advice. Unfortunately the advice was that I would need to be seen by the medical team for further scans and X-rays and the quickest way was to send me back to CDU to be assessed. So at 10.45pm on Thursday Ben and I were sat waiting in CDU for what was set to be a long night. My goodness it really was long Ben eventually left at about 6am when they let me sleep on a examination bed in a treatment room for an hour, next thing I new was breakfast and then back in to the waiting room for a further three hours. Finally at about 11.45am they had a bed for me on a ward.

I have a room on my own with an en-suite which is quite nice and has a good view. The unit sent staff over to be with me which was helpful when it came to lunch time as they really helped me through how much to eat.

I saw the cardiologist who said he was increasing the water tablets and would be looking to increase the heart meds next week along with introducing another one. He advised i would have further blood tests as well as the scan at 2pm. The heart failure nurse came to see me and went through a load of do's and dont's including decreasing my fluid intake while I have the oedema so it was good that a nurse from the unit was here to hear this info. They also said I would need to be weighed daily to keep an eye on weight gain or loss, not sure how I feel about this yet.

Ben came in about 4.30pm which was good. The unit agreed I didn't have to have staff with me constantly and that they would just arrange for people to be with me for main meals which is really all I need and meant that once I had eaten dinner Ben and I could enjoy the visit without an audience.

Unfortunately Ben and I had tickets to see a show tonight which I don't think I will be able to go to as it looks like I'm here for at least the weekend especially as the scan I was having at 2pm yesterday has still not actually happened yet. It's not ideal and I would much prefer to be at home on leave but I also can't go on like this I just want it all sorting so my abdomen can go back down, I can breath again and just get back on track with beating my eating disorder.

That aside however I may be leaving here in a police car at this rate because if the man who has been playing the same three songs since 6.50am this morning doesn't turn them off I will be killing him!!

True or false

Arghhh my head is all over the place I am so confused, angry, scared and frustrated. The hospital started me on heart medication and water tablets to get rid of the fluid round my lungs, abdomen and other oedema and advised that the rapid weight gain was more than likely due to the water retention. I was relieved on Monday to see that i lost just over a kilo and a half but was still really worried that my face and stomach remained swollen but was reassured by doctors that it would just take a while to go. Imagine my dismay this morning when I got on the scales and all I had lost was 0.2kg despite the fact that they have me on fluid balance and can tell me that more is coming out than is going in so fluid is leaving my body. I am now petrified that the weight remaining is actual weight gain despite not changing my diet since December and my stomach and face have just got this big! The worse thing is that no one knows and all I can do is wait but I am so stressed its untrue.

I feel like I'm in a complete limbo as while my weight remains a mystery I can't really move forward and so I am stuck just existing here day to day waiting scared of the complete unknown.

Good news however is that I have got leave at the weekend which I am both looking forward to and dreading at the same time. It will be the first time (apart from Christmas) that I will be out for two main meals and even though I have spent five months going on about all the things I really want to eat now it comes to planning meals I can't think of anything!!

Due to bens work commitments I will be eating at my parents rather than alone so have talked ideas through with them and I'm just hoping the dietician will be here today to go over portion sizes and obviously to discuss my weight.

I am finally getting my hair done on Saturday and then going to see ben in his show on the night. Sunday morning I am meeting the girls for coffee which I am really excited about as I have not seen them since Xmas and have missed them loads. My concern for all of the above is what people will think I look like as usual but especially now I am swollen and puffy especially the face.

Oh well fear or no fear what can I do except grit my teeth, feel the fear and do it anyway.

It's all gone a bit wrong!!

So lets see shall we what have I learned since my last blog? Falling and dislocating your hip is excruciatingly painful not just at the time but for much time after especially when you start trying to walk on crutches.

My body has a mind of its own somehow managing to allow me to put on over half a stone in a week and a half without changing my diet in any way (more weight than I managed to gain the entire time I was on bed rest).

Finally I have learned heart attacks can seemingly happen without all the histrionics that casualty and other such programmes would have you believe are involved and that seemingly harmless pains in the chest and a few palpitations are actually a heart attack!!

An explanation perhaps, following my fall my stomach swelled up and I put on as I said over half a stone something that both the dietician and doctor said could not possibly be "real" weight but must be caused by swelling from the fall and constipation. I am completely distressed by the weight gain and the size of my stomach and that no one seemed to really be able to explain why. I have been taking lactulose to ease the constipation and yet still my stomach remained swollen and the weight continued to go up. Finally on Friday, a week after the fall and me telling them of my swelling the doctor did a blood and urine test which found a high level of protein in the urine but not so much in the blood, having contacted the renal team for advice it was decided to repeat the tests and then liaise with them once the results were back. Friday night they should have been back and by Monday I had not heard a thing and had come to the end of my tether. Deciding I could no longer cope and the only way I could deal with the situation would be to go home not eat and loose the weight and wait till my stomach went down so I demanded to go home. Ben and my dad came over as I was so distressed and it was decided that I should stay the night and wait to see the doctor the next day and have some official leave put in place, dubiously I agreed but then spent all of Tuesday in a distressed state waiting for answers. Finally the doctor seemed to take me seriously and arranged for me to go to the general hospital on Wednesday for an ultrasound and X-ray of my abdomen, he also agreed for me to go home for the night and then return to the unit after my tests.

The ultrasound showed no reason for the swelling of my stomach much to my dismay but did however show that I had fluid round my lungs which would explain why I had been so wheezy despite having taken a weeks worth of antibiotics for a suspected chest infection. They proceeded to X-ray my abdomen but also my lungs after which I was told I needed to go to A&E to be seen, luckily the doctor from the unit had called and spoken to the consultant who had agreed for me to be seen in CDU in order for me to avoid a three hour wait. I saw the registrar who said that the fluid was not severe enough to warrant aspirating it for which I was so happy as the thought of a needle in between the ribs was not filling me with joy. He explained that it was due to the heart failure and that is why I had such bad edema but they would prescribe Water tablets and the ace inhibitors the cardiologist had prescribed. He did an ECG and some blood tests and said to wait round for the results which would be about two to three hours, I explained my situation and he allowed me to return to the unit to have dinner and then back to them which I did.
To cut short what was an exceptionally long day and night for my dad and I and then for Ben and my mom blood tests revealed that I had a particular raise in a protein that would indicate a trauma to the heart and so the test would need to be repeated after six hours which it was, just after 12.20pm they advised the level had gone up again which would indicate that I had had a heart attack and would need to stay in over night in order to be monitored and then see the cardiologist in the morning.

So here I am sat in the general waiting I have had all of about 30 minutes sleep and am now getting so anxious waiting for breakfast. Ben was amazing liaising with the unit to get me the correct size milk jug and cup to measure the cereal and made sure all the staff were aware of my situation he must have been to and from the unit about five times finally at around 3.30am in order to get me some bread as the hospital don't do toast as someone nearly set the ward on fire!!

I am hoping the cardiologist will come this morning and allow me to return to the unit and that the tablets will get rid of all the excess water and that my swollen stomach will go down and the weight come off back to it level prior to all this mess and I can continue working on my eating disorder to make sure my heart can get stronger so that neither me or my family have to go through the trauma of this ever again.

Dislocation

Oh my stars as if this illness wasn't hard enough on leave for the dentist on Friday I decide that it would be a simply wonderful idea to throw my self on the floor, lie on solid ice for forty minutes and dislocate my hip in the process, genius!! Several painful hours in a&e and i was given the ok to go home as nothing was broken and the hip was back in place one small problem err I can't move!!! All I can say is that it is typical of this hospital but for fear of a liable case I shall not mention names.

I finally got returned to the unit via patient transfer and was wheeled in still flat on a stretchier the transfer to my bed was agony and the whole experience was made significantly worse by one particular staff nurse who couldn't wait to get me packed off to the general so they could better manage my needs, I pointed out that I would not be going and I would transfer from bed to wheelchair to use the bathroom even if the pain was horrific as I had worked too hard to go to the general and have no structured eating plan in place and so undo all my work. The sentiment was echoed by Ben and my parents and they all agreed that the woman is, to be honest and pardoning my language, a heinous bitch!!

Anyway all my weekend leave was cancelled so I didn't get my hair done and now am unable to have it done for three weeks as rather selfishly my hairdresser is getting married and going on honeymoon for two weeks typical!! I also missed my friends party which I had been psyching myself up for for several weeks as I would see friends I hadn't seen since summer last year.

All the pain and disappointment though was soon to be replaced by something far far worse. Over the weekend my stomach had become very swollen and bloated to the point that even the staff couldn't disagree with me and so when Monday came along I was terrified for two reasons, the first was how I would actually be able to get on the scales and the second how much weight I would have put on having been stuck on a bed but my god nothing could have prepared me for the reality. I somehow managed to get on the scales although I think most of the weight went through one leg (which my dad said will change the reading but I don't really see how this can be true) and I had put on almost half a stone in four days, hysterical I think would best describe the reaction. The staff and dietician have said that there is no way it can be a true weight and must be due to swelling and constipation (a wonderful side effect of the pain killers they had me on) but I am not consoled and I am terrified that my stomach is going to stay swollen and the weight will not go back down, worse still that tomorrow it will go up again. The dilemma is now do I get weighed and freak out if it goes up again or refuse and then worry what it's doing either way I don't win but I am still terrified and very confused.

You've clearly put on weight!!

Amazing!! This was the opening remark of the endocrinologist that I saw yesterday followed by him asking how it made me feel (and there was me thinking I was there to discuss hormones not have a therapy session) that aside I calmly commented "not too bad until people point it out!" Thankfully he substantiated the comment by informing me that it wasn't that I looked particularly different but that he had the letter from the doctor at the unit stating my bmi when I was admitted and what it is now. I would like to say that this made it ok but for the first five minutes of the appointment I don't think I was really listening as all I could hear was oh my god your huge. He did say that he could tell I was better in my voice that I had more life and at my last appointment I seemed very weak, fair comment really as I saw him five days prior to my admission.

Anyway the appointment went ok and I managed to get some slight reassurance that there was no indication i was going through the early menopause although he did point out that my body had put me in a temporary menopause but that it was my body's way of clinging on to life and that it would change with weight gain. He did put me back on the thyroxin as the blood tests still indicate that I have hypothyroidism. I am happy with this as a side effect of this is that the bodily systems slow down so metabolism is slower which can cause weight gain, this therefore may go a little of the way to explain my quick and unpredictable weight gain and so I am hoping that with the new drug it might help to speed it up slightly which will then allow me to have a more normal diet but we will see.

As for my diet I am really unsure what to do, I had another big jump Monday and then lost a very tiny amount today. It scares me because I think I must have too much when I'm on leave as I always seem to have a big jump on a Monday when I have been at home. I really want to be able to eat more normal size meals and I don't know whether to just bite the bullet and increase from introductory size to normal size for one of the meals per day in order to test the dieticians theory that the reason my weight is doing as it is is because there is still not enough in my diet and that's why my body is still taking everything from the food.
Hopefully the dietician will be in today to talk this through but I am so terrified, if I can get a big jump just from changing to higher calorie snacks I hate to think how much it will go up if I change my meal size.

Snow didn't flaw me but the cornflakes did!!

Oh dear! I can't believe what this ridiculous illness drove me to this morning. I measure my cereal in a cup for breakfast and today I measured it three times in to the cup and then the bowl and back again still not happy I proceeded to wake Ben up to ask him if all I had was a cup full of cereal, even though I could clearly see that's what I had in my hand I knew that if I didn't ask I would be convinced I had more than that and I would then need to vomit to get rid of it!!! Not the greatest of starts to the day but at least the remainder of my leave went ok.

Ben and I along with my parents went bowling Saturday afternoon which was fun. I managed dinner at home which went ok even though I only brought a wrap ready made and had it with some salad but the challenge was actually venturing in to asda to do a small amount of shopping and picking it and something to have for snacks. I have to be honest the whole experience was so stressful and left me feeling really anxious. However dinner done Ben and I got a taxi to the glee club in Birmingham, somewhere neither of us had been before, we had a really good time and I even managed a couple of vodka and diet cokes even more amazing was I completely resisted picking at the nachos with melted cheese and salsa that Ben had despite the fact they looked so good and I really wanted some, I knew though if I had some I would freak and make myself sick, maybe in time I will be more able to challenge myself but I'm not there yet.

I realised two things on our night out the first being I'm to old to go in Sobar, I was shocked not getting id'd until we went in and I realised that everyone in there was about 12!! The second thing I realised was once Ben has drunk a bottle of wine he descovers he has a death wish!! I witnessed this when waiting for the taxi and two black men in a car went past shouting what I believe was "wog won bitch!!" at us and Ben proceeded to walk towards the car (which was stopped at the traffic lights) when I stopped him I was asked if he could please could he what I said and he replied give them a grammar lesson!!!! See death wish!!

Oh well we surprisingly made it in to the taxi without Ben getting us killed and as I had only had a couple of drinks and thought maybe not had enough calorie wise I even managed to eat a bar of chocolate, a minor freak out followed but I was in a car I couldn't really do much and by the time we got home I was so tired we went to bed and therefore i couldn't think about it.

So now I'm back at hospital and the snow is still falling not really sure what will happen tomorrow night as I have been granted leave on a Monday evening for a couple of hours in order to go to choir but because I have a dentist appointment Tuesday at 10am I have asked if I can stay at home but at this rate I will be snowed in and not going anywhere, great!! Will have to see in the morning along with the dreaded weigh in which is scaring the hell out of me as I have done what I set out to do and challenged one snack to be over 200 calories everyday since last Monday and even been to the vending machine twice. I hope above hope it hasn't done much so at least I know I can pick different things without it having a huge effect on my weight but we'll see.

No more needed!!

Trauma!! I hate the fact that one comment can leave me in such a state for days and it wasn't even a negative comment it was a compliment!!

While on the phone to my sister on Monday she told me that her husband thought I looked amazing (I saw them Sunday) and 100% better really good!! Now I know he meant this as a compliment but the first thing I thought was that he thought I was fat, I asked him but he said no you look really good and not fat. I thanked him and as soon as I put the phone down I died if I look so good why the hell am I still putting on weight and still here. How can I possibly stay looking good with even more weight, I thought they must think why am I still here when I'm better so I must be lazy and wasting my and everyone else's time.
It really stressed me out and confused me I have people telling me I'm still very underweight and look ill and then others saying how good i look my head is spinning and I don't know how to deal with it all its really stressing me out and making my poor body image worse.

That aside my weight maintained on Monday but yet again the dietician was off sick, it really begs the question does she follow her own nutritional advice been as though she is off sick so much!! Anyway I decided that I would try to challenge my snack choices so one snack each day before Thursday I would choose something over 200 calories and over 10g fat as this is over what I allow myself then see what happens to my weight on Thursday and just pray the dietician is back. So far I have stuck to the plan and even went to the vending machine to choose on Monday. I am just terrified what it will do to my weight on Thursday.

So Wednesday is upon us once more and yet another ward round this week I have asked for leave from saturday 1pm till Sunday at 12pm and also for a few hours leave each Monday night to go back to choir fingers crossed but we shall see. I hope if nothing else I get the weekend leave as last weekend was really fun Ben and I went to see les mis (amazing) and we then decided to go bowling and for a drink I even managed a vodka and diet coke, although I still had to work the calories out before I could have it which did ruin the evening slightly. That aside we had a really good night and it should be noted I whooped bens bottom at air hockey 5-1 :0))