A year on

So today marks a year since I was discharged from inpatient care not sure where the time has gone or how I feel about that year. I cheerfully posted on Facebook this morning celebrating the event and was met with lovely comments of happiness and pride and congratulations on how well I was doing. All were lovely and nice to read but I can't help but feel like a fraud because truth be told all is not as well as I would like people to think. The smiles have become less convincing and few and far between and the struggles and the demons shouting at me have become more common place and some days relentless. Inpatient care has been advised on more than one occasion which I have of course refused adamantly shrugged it off and continued on my way. 

I feel trapped in my life and to be honest I'm tired of fighting and in the words of Robbie Williams " I don't want to die! but I ain't keen on living either!" 

Life had picked up for a while I had begun to grow in confidence and started socialising even making some new friends someone close to me was going through a difficult time following a breakup and I spent as much time as I could helping him through, in all honesty he was helping me just as much as I him. However as always that person let me down. Going AWOL without a real explanation so once again I was left feeling rubbish like I had done something wrong and driven someone else away. I have tried to resolve things but not really got anywhere with it. 

I feel so alone much of the time but my therapist tells me that I have to learn to be content in myself, easier said than done when you find every aspect of your mere being a complete and utter disappointment and waste of time. Having spent the last god knows how many years disappointing people, hurting them and letting them down I don't really know how to see myself in any better light.

Oh shut up beck! I know shouldn't complain guess it's just the realisation of a year on and things not being much better guess that's why I try to ignore anniversarys so I don't dwell on things. Hey hoh onwards and upwards,oh and if you think this post is depressing just wait till it's my birthday ;-)